It’s never included in the job listing, but to be a successful strength and conditioning coach you need to be an insane person. That’s not a negative judgment -- the job involves convincing millionaires to spend hours working out when they could be, you know, doing millionaire stuff. So this week, we’re (absurdly) ranking each of the 32 teams by how misleadingly friendly the strength and conditioning coach’s name is. This is a final ranking and cannot be argued against.
How intimidating is your NFL team’s strength and conditioning coach’s name?
That crazy guy on the sidelines yelling at the players on the exercise bikes has a lot more to do with a team’s success than you realize. But what do we really know about the strength and conditioning coaches? Enough to rank them by how intimidating their name is.
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1. Arizona. Buddy Morris is one of the friendliest-sounding names in the entire United States, not just pro football. You don’t want to let ol’ Buddy down, do you? Good. Fifty more squats.
2. New England. The Patriots have Harold Nash as their strength coach, and it's really, really hard to be scared of a Harold. Harolds are fun dudes who always give you the last garlic knot.
3. New York Giants. "Jerry Palmieri" is the sort of name you'd give to the sweetest, least violent character in a mobster film. You know, the one who never thinks we have to shoot the guy. He says he won't talk to the cops, he won't talk to the cops!
4. Cincinnati. When new Bengals find out they'll be working with Chip Morton, they can't possibly be worried. No way a guy named Chip makes you run until you puke, right? Right?
5. Tennessee. Taking a bit of a chance ranking Steve Watterson this high. If we find out he goes by a nickname like “Steve-o” or “Stevedore” or “Stevening Shade,” we’ll have to drop him down into the teens at least.
6. Kansas City. Barry Rubin might be a shady-sounding name. It’s not an unfriendly one, though. Barry Rubin owns a restaurant that may or may not be bribing health inspectors, but he still gives you a free slice of cheesecake on your birthday.
7. Philadelphia. The Eagles have Josh Hingst as their strength coach, and Josh is always the name of your friend's friend that you've met a few times at parties. He's fine, though you're running out of things to talk about.
8. Pittsburgh. Garrett Giemont. That sounds like a jokey pediatric dentist, not a man who gets paid to yell in a weight room.
9. Tampa Bay. Strong possibility that “Dave Kennedy” is a witness protection name assigned by the federal government to protect a Bratislavan hitman who testified against his co-conspirators, but until we have proof of that “Dave” stays in the top 10.
10. New Orleans. A strength coach named Dan Dalrymple almost certainly brings in pastries on Friday morning.
11. Carolina. Starting to get less friendly sounding as we leave the top 10, Carolina’s Joe Kenn still sounds like he’d be an okay guy. Kenn Joe, though? No way.
12(tie). Jacksonville’s Tom Myslinski, Dallas’s Mike Woicik, Seattle’s Chris Carlisle, Chicago’s Jim Arthur, and Green Bay’s Mark Lovat could not have more nondescript names. They could be anyone -- accountants, piano teachers, DMV employees, wallpaper salesmen. These names inspire neither fear nor good feelings; they’re just there. So they’re stuck into the middle of these rankings, between friends and foes.
17. Denver. Luke Richesson is the strength coach for the Broncos and also possibly a snooty art dealer.
18. Buffalo. Eric Ciano is the mobster who agrees that Jerry Palmieri has to be whacked. He's a little disappointed, but business is business.
19. Cleveland. Paul Ricci sounds like the college friend you stop hanging out with because he keeps getting into fights with strangers when you go out to the bar.
20. Detroit. Jason Arapoff. Just not sure about him, guys.
21. San Francisco. Mark Uyeyama may well be the exception to this rule, but Marks will never admit they fouled you on the basketball court. That’s science.
22. Minnesota. Evan Marcus starts to bring us into villainous-sounding name territory, though he’s fairly low on that scale, somewhere between “airplane passenger jerk” and “rude Little League dad.”
23. Houston. Getting more villainous with Craig Fitzgerald, who’s hovering around “heartless real estate developer” territory.
24. Miami. And Darren Krein jumps us one more level to “sociopathic surgeon.”
25. Indianapolis. Roger Marandino is the mobster who convinces Eric Ciano that Jerry Palmieri has to be whacked and doesn’t feel bad about it.
26. Oakland. John Grieco is the mobster who enthusiastically whacks Jerry Palmieri after Roger Marandino gives him the okay.
27. Atlanta. If Falcons strength coach AJ Neibel isn't hiding anything, why won't he tell us what his first and middle name are?
28. Baltimore. Bob Rogucki already sounds like the name of a particularly cruel gym teacher, and now you give him NFL resources? No thank you.
29. Washington. You can't convince me that Ray Wright is the name of a friendly man. A good person and a hard worker, sure. But nobody named Ray Wright is going to join you at karaoke night.
30. San Diego. Kent Johnston is a name that sounds a little friendly, but in that tricky way that makes it all the more alarming when he ends up to be a crooked police detective.
31. New York Jets. Justus Galac is a strength coach for the Jets and a Marvel supervillain.
32. St. Louis. I'm sorry, Rock Gullickson. Please don't hurt me.
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