MMBM Week 11: How to tackle Rob Gronkowski

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you

Rob Gronkowski is on another planet physicaly. I call him Jupiter because hes massive, theres usualy a big dangerous red spot on his skin that you dont want to go anywhere near, and hed destroy Uranus if he ever collided with it.

Hes a freak. Hes about 6 and a half feet tall with a 7 foot wingspan and he apparently doesnt get hangovers. The total package. Once he gets a head of steam going hes allmost impossible to bring down unless you follow my approach. he left Cris Collinsworth stupified (which isnt really hard to do) after a long catch and un on a TD where he practicaly tackled all the defensers who were trying to tackle him.

That said, I guarentee you I could tackle Rob Gronkowski. In fact Rob if your having someone read this to you Im offically challenging you because Id light your ass up. Its actualy not hard to do if you follow these steps:

Step 1: You have to want it more

How bad do you want it? Its simple as that. Low man wins and Robs a skyscraper so think of hitting him below the 30th floor or else its literally impossible to bring him down without the use of accelerants or explosives. (citation needed) Alot of times when people try to tackle Rob they dont want it enough and act like they couldn’t care fewer. Not me. I would care more.

Step 2: Seperate the man from the ball

A good trick to bringing Rob down is to distract him. What I would do is dress my defensive backs up in a wig and a cocktail dress like bugs bunny use to do. Rob cant help himself around women. If he hears party rock anthem on the speakers and theres a blond in a jumpsuit coming at his padlevel, hes going to drop the pigskin and start looking for a lambskin folks.

Step 3: Shoot him with a bow and arrow

You allways here announcers say that Gronk runs like a deer well then you should be able to hunt him like one- goes both ways.

Step 4: Dont actualy hit him hard.

Hit him as soft as you possibly can its his only weekness:

I want to pay special acknowledgement to Bruce Arians here. I try to stay away from quoting Peter King since I just cant take his mealymouth takes but also because Christmas Ape on KSK does such a outstanding job every week with his column. But looking through Peters Fine Fifteenish rankings I stumbled on a gem:

Aint that the truth. Im puzzled why more teams dont just go Next Man Up when it comes to injurys. Bruce Arians has been around a while and knows all the tricks- sometimes injurys make you a better team because you just get to have more cheerleaders on the sidelines- the Arians way.

Ive always said that Bruce Arians is the modernday equivilant of George Patton. Do you think General Patton sat around feeling sorry for himself because his guys were nicked going across France? No, he said “if there getting injured that only means they need to go faster,” and what do you know he defeated evil.

Ironic that the same techniques that worked so well against Arians in the 1940s are working so well for him now folks.

Joe had the week off but here in the real world there are no bye weeks. Imagine if you went to your boss and said that your just going to skip a full week of work for no other reason then your tired. Trust me I tried to take a vacaton from looking for work one time and the public welfare office woudnt pay me a cent, but I guess I live in the real world where I have to work for my unemployment unlike these papmered athletes.

Now Im not 100% sure how Flacco spent his week off but at least hes not like a Torry Smith type who thinks its more of a hi week then a bye week.

My biggest issue is the fact that I havent heard a single story about how much Flaccos not taking a week off. When Flacco looks back on his career on his deathbed hes not going to wish he spent more time with his family, hes going to wish he spent more time in the filmroom. There will be plently of time for your family when your all dead in heaven- while your on earth its a business trip.

This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?

1. Mark Sanchez was clearly feeling a little fuzzy up in Green Bay after a late night hitting the nightclubs and hottubs with Mark Chmura

2. The Bucaneers are working for the DEA right now. They got hemmed up in airport securty and inspected but mysterously released minutes later. They got turned.There wearing a wire.

No one should talk to them. This is like if you get hauled into the staton and they catch you with a ounce of KB and you know your friends heard about it so your like “Yea just had some parking tickets NBD” and all of the sudden your not invited to partys anymore. Nice try Buccs.

3. Former Rams Center Jason Brown is a honorary recepient of this weeks “Madison Hedgecock award for quitting football to drive tractots/” Brown walked away from the Rams to learn how to be a farmer, and he just donated his first crop of sweet potatos to a local food bank. Id love to se a quick realty show about Brown and just watch the reactons of people he meets on blind dates he set up on farmersonly.com.

(Photo via CBS news)

One day hes leading football drives with his Rams and the next hes leading hunger drives with his Yams. Just a all around allstar and one of the good players out there that still exist IMO.

4. Im hearing that JJ Watt has skipped allmost every WR meeting this year. I dont want to here excuses about why hes not there if he thinks its important he’ll find a way to be in both offense and defense meetings at once. Otherwise hes just the next in a longline of Diva Wide Recevers who can only play outside the numbers.

5. It seems like “if the playoffs started today” are coming earlier and earlyer every season. I just got done celebrating “What the NFL draft order would look like” and your expecting me to go out and buy all the bunting, fireworks, and frogs to attach them to allready? Give me a break big retailers.

6. I dont hate any thing in life as much as Frank Gore hates wearing a cup. Look at those things hanging out there like a loaf of bread.

If I was Harbaugh Id make Gore walk around holding his nuts high and tight all week to emphasise the importants of ball security.

7. Andrew Luck needs to stop paying so much attenton to whats going on on the field when hes not on there. His allways stearing intently when his teams on D. Keep your eyelines on your sidelines, son. Hes basically creeping on his defense Im honestly suprised hes not taking sneaky pics of them and hashtagging #yogapantssunday with all the staring hes doing.

8. Theres absolutley no excuse for the stadium clocks in Chicago to screw up like they did on Sunday. They just stopped working. Say what you want about mid20th century central european polictics but when the Swiss were turning a bad eye to unacceptable gameplanning at least there clocks ran on time.

Really tells you alot about the diffrence between the Bears and the Packers- the Pack sets there clocks 15 mins early to Lombardi time and the hibernating Bears hit the snooze button. Itd almost be funny if it werent so true.

9. One week RG3 throws a bus into his teammates on there way into the stadium and then next he throws them under it after the game. This guy is unbelevable. RG3 looks uncomfortable in the pocket folks like hes wating on his next injury, so I call him Robert Griffin the Scurred. You know what a real leader would do? Hed quit.

10. Is there a more missleading name in the entire world then Jim “Called Well?” His gameplans look like there put together by feeding a egg-hen probiotic yogurt for a week, laying out 5 diffrent options of Calvin Johnson fade routes, and then calling which ever one it dosent shit on.

11. Peyton Manning needs to focus more on Free-TEs and less on Fritos. Ben Utects not walking through that door and who knows how long JuliME Thomas is going to be milking this contract-year injury.

12. Coaches are idiots to keep challenge flags in there socks. Its like keeping a condom in your butt. Theres no cool way to retreve it specially if you have to get into action pronto. If I were a coach I would hire a dog to keep the flag in its mouth unless I gave it the special command to drop it. You could call him “Replay” the Challenge dog and you could I dont know sell T-Shirts and stuff or rent him out to frat guys who wanted to get laid.

Ok so I see your point that technicaly Jermaine Gresham was trying to throw the ball to the woman in the Bangles jersey. On the other hand, sorry, he caught it and she didnt want it enough. Look how he high-points the ball and uses his body to box out thats just good coaching points. Memo to Bangles lady- Your at a football game- its your responsibility to come back to the ball or else your routes getting jumped. If you want to watch a football game where people just let there neighbors catch passes without any competition you can tune into any Chargers game your heart desires folks.

Now on the other side of things I can look at it from the females point of view as well. If that woman had been exercised her 2nd Amendement, she would of been within her rights according to New Orleans state law to stand her ground right then and there and put a few rounds at center mass. Thats the beauty of America. Your welcome, by the way.

At first I was all exited because I thought maybe Omaha Steaks was mugging Rovell, but no, Darren Rovell is basicaly calling Omaha Steaks pussys for not sponsoring Peyton Manning yet. Its not suprising because Darren is the journlism equivilent of someone who knocks on your door and says “uh hey your neighbors bought a bunch of meat do you mind if I come in to show you how all this sausage is made?”

Ive allways said that if theres one thing the NFL dosent have enough of, its advertisements. So I can see his point that it would be great to have a player screaming brand names for money, but we had a taste of that when Mark Brunell would yell out his account balance Green 40 before every snap and it kind’ve took away from the atmosphere IMO.

Wow good questons. I dont really know to be honest. I dont really care about Michael Sam or think hes news which is why I have extensively covered how little I care about him in this column. In fact I care about him so much less then anyone that I added him as a friend on facebook and Im taking pictures with every other gay NFL player I can find and putting them on my wall so I know hes looking at them but Im just out here living my life you know?

I would also like to take this opprtunity to let you all know that two more books are in producton and one of them is simply called “I don’t care about Michael Sam: A novel.” If your a bigshot publisher please give me your money.

Steelers: Big Ben is looking for a rebound and thats never a good thing. We’ll see just how strong his relatonship with Todd Haley is tonight folks.

Titans: If you can name a single player on the Titans defence you should be automatically eligible as a contributor for the NFL Hall of Fame.

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