We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
MMBM Week 12- What Odell Beckham Jr.‘s catch really means
Was “the best catch in NFL history” really something more sinister?
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
What we all saw last night may of been the greatest catch ever in a football game but Im here to tell you why it was, actually, bad.
As many of you have pointed out to me ( I beleve reader Matthew Hess was the f1rst) over the past 12 hours, Odell Beckham Jr. was sending a coded message when he made that catch (besides “I want a new contract”), at first galnce you may of missed it, but upon repeat viewing the facts are undeniable. Heres a close up of the grab:
Notice anything? How about this angle?
Need me to spell it out for you?
It was clearly a reference to the East Side Crips who’s members include Notorious Biggie and Tupac. I even had one reader call him Odell Beccam Jr which makes all the sense in the world.. The NFL has had enough on its plate going into Thanksgiving to risk looking like a turkey again folks they need to take a cut of his pie and fine him.
Plus, my high school youth group leader use to tell me all the time in my “dating for Christ” class that it was impossible to catch any thing if you only use a hand but I guess Beckham proved him wrong after all.
So the internet had a field day with photoshopping Beckham into all sort of weird places, and folks Odells such a showoff that it was no suprise that he basically only made that catch for the MeMes. Then about a couple minutes later the Cowboys responded with a score of there own and I sat and waited on baited breath for the Cole Beasley photoshops to roll in,... and waited... and waited... and nothing. Really tells you something where we celebrate a guy for making the greatest catch in NFL history but we completeley ignore the guy who makes a routine grab but I guess thats what are country has become these days. Clean Cole Beasley used both the hands the good lord gave him instead of bragging about how being created in Gods image just isnt cool enough and forsaking his left one.
Plus if beckham had done like he was coaches and fell into the field of play instead of the endzone then the Giants could of run AT LEAST two more Hynoski FB Dives before throwing a TD pass to Larry Donnels fat ass and then oh hey what do you know that took a minute and a half of the clock and the Cowboys never would of been able to score their last minute game-winning TD. So this highlight reel grab actually ended up costing the Giants the game.
One other really good reason why that wasnt the best catch ever by a WR is that Beckham wears number 13 which isnt technicaly a WR number like a solid 88 or 80. So sure, this might of been the best catch by a backup QB or a kickoff returner in NFL history, but Wide Recever? No thanks I’ll take Jerry Rice any day.
Road Grader of the Week: Odell Beckham, Jr.
Ok so maybe that one catch did more for gang recrutment then any single American event that wasnt orchetrated by the CIA, but even I have to admit it took a LOT of natural talent to make that grab. Plus the best part of it was the after the catch Beckham managed to somehow not get a unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Do you know how bad of a concussion I would have to have to make that catch and manage to not do such a intricate celebraton that I sweep the entire Tony Awards? It would literally be impossible. I would celebrate so hard that it would be known as “the touchdown dnace that launched a million thinkpieces.” I would be kicked out of the NFL and banned from ever being on televison again from the sheer amount of FCC complaints that would be lodged from me pouring gasoline on the endzone lighting it on fire and then farting the flames into Orlando Scandricks face.
The fact that he got up, tossed the ball to the offical, and then yelled and stuff while going back to his bench without drawing a penalty is, in my opinion, the play of the year.
Fans of the Week: TIE between Champagne Girl and Ricky Bobby
— Zoo With Roy (@zoowithroy) November 24, 2014 I have no idea who this is but neither didthe first Mrs Tisch I bet.
Also:
There* pic.twitter.com/qOYMaETqkL
— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) November 23, 2014 Great sign. Elf is one of my favortie movies of all time.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Joe Flacco got his wife pregnant again which is a double edge sword. On one hand his sperm are proving to be tremendous outside of the pocket but on the other hand getting a big family mean you only have less time for your football family. The most important type of birth is a playoff birth and its frankly unacceptable that hes allready got more kids then superbowl rings. You have to earn your family on my team. I want my players with Superbowl rings on there fingers, not Nuva Rings.
At least Joe Cool had the present of mind to not get his wife pregnent for a birth that would take place during the season but I am concern that he might have to miss a couple days of training camp installing a damn car seat when Im trying to install my offense. Thats why a good coach will be passing out birth control pills like there vicodins from October through April to keep the players wives in heat over the summertime just like God intended.
Flaccos coming off the longest stretch of his career without throwing a football. Hes gotten 15 days off folks making this the most relaxing fortnight in Baltimore since Francis Scott Key wrote a damn poem during a war.
But the fact is that Flacco hasnt won a ballgame in over two weeks and thats unacceptable. The NFL is a win-now league and Flacco needs to turn this ship around if he wants to compete in the AFC North where 11-5 isnt going to cut it.
This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. The Eagles score way to many touchdowns on kick returns to be successfull in the playoffs. January football is basicaly a completely different sport from regular season football and if your turning the ball over by scoring on a kick well guess what you just cost your team six points, in a way.
2. Nice to see Josh Gordon back in a lineup that dosent take place at the Clevelend Municpal Police station
3. The Titans Quaterback coach John McNulty Tight Ends coach Mike Mularkey needs to spend more time thinking about his playbook then his playboy folks:
4. I call him "the Geno Atkins diet" because one he gets a little bit of bread hes worthless
5. Odell Beckham made the easyest one-handed falling horizontaly backwards after being fouled touchdown grab of all time. Eli Manning throws such a dang catchable ball that it stick to a helmet much less a glove so youll have to forgive me if Im not tripping all over myself to congratulate a guy for doing his job.
6. RG3-8 is about to end his career as a sub instead of just being a spokesman for one.
7. The NFL is doing a fantastic thing opening a old fokls home for people who are to injured from playing football on the grounds of the NFL hall of fame. This is a great idea like when the rock ‘n’ roll hall of fame opened up a methadone clinic in there food court.
8. We saw the FB Dive from the 2 yard line employed yesterday by both the Redskins and the Giants. Redskins tryed it twice before saying "ok weve bloodied here noses, time to give the ball to a runningback who dosent move like hes currnetly deep frying a turkey in his own stomach" and got the score. Then instead of throwing 3 straight end zone fades the Giants gave ol' Hoss Hynoski the duke and told him "get your ass downhill son."Just great football all around. Its not so much the actual FB Dive that works its just the threat of it. If your a DB and you know that 265 lbs of chunky sweat is making its way toward you like a runaway pudding truck then you know its going to be a long day at the office.
9. Dominic Raiola finshes. games.
The Lions got embarassed at the hands of New England but ol' Dominic wasnt about to give up on his team. He was angry that the Pats had scored a late TD instead of taking a knee at the one or allowing a intentonal 99-yard safety to play the field position game so he figured if he coudnt walk out of there with a W then technicaly Zach Moore wasnt going to be able to walk out there either. If you dont like it, then stop it.
10. They should fine Marshawn Lynchs ass a million dollars for the performence he gave in his postgame interviews. He basicaly clammed up and said nothing of substance to the reporters which is a slap in the face to hardworking reporters who are use to getting primo cuts of meaningfull substantive information from true proffesonals like Bill Belichick.
11. Dont look now but the San Diego Chargers are one game back of the divison lead and in a tie for the wildcard spot. Phillip Rivers is doing his best Marilyn Manson impresson and sucking because he is missing several healthy ribs. A underreported aspect of this team is how much harder Danny Woodhead is praying then everyone else, and Jesus (when hes not cheering for the Raiders) is the real 12th man.
12. I would love to see a 5-11 Saints team make the playoffs and a 12-4 Cowboys team miss out then Jerry Jones fires everyone and hires Rick Perry to be there Head Coach.
This Week In Rovell: Darren files a report on a new shoe endorsed by a NFL owner
There are 2 things in this world that Darren loves more then anything: brands and billonaires. So when Nike unveiled a new shoe designed by and branded for New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, its a wonder that Rovell was able to file a report given how sticky his keyboard must of been.
The 73-year-old Patriots owner, who has worn Nike shoes with his suits ever since he started experiencing pain while wearing dress shoes, will see his own limited-edition version of Nike's updated Air Force 1 shoe go on sale for $150 on Nike.com and at Niketown Boston and the Patriots ProShop at 10 a.m. ET Monday.
On Sunday, during the Patriots' 34-9 victory over the Detroit Lions, the team's entire sideline staff, including coaches, trainers and equipment staff, wore the shoes.
Ah-ha but Darren is wrong about a major fact in this story folks. It seems that these arent air force 1s there actually Lunar Force Ones which is ironic because all of Darrens reporting combined contains exactly zero gravity. But what happens when you try to point out that Darren made a error in his story?
@amdmmm it’s the updated one yes. Most people don’t know nike terminology.
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) November 24, 2014 “I wrote incorrect facts because my readers are to stupid to understand the truth.”
Honorable Mention: Darrens failed attempt at scoring a exclusive
Darren is the only person in the history of direct advertisers who has been taken off maling lists for annoying the spammers to much.
h/t Katie
What to look forward to on Monday Night:
Weve got a doubleheader (no offense to whatever prop the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders like to use in Marie Callender bathrooms) as the Jets travel to Detroit to take on the Bills and the Saints host the Ravens. I had some fun on twitter because Detroit isnt the first city Id trust when it comes to bills no offense to there crippling bankruptcy. Ive head some distrubing stuff from very reputable news sources on my cousins nephews on Facebook that Detroit is technicaly operating under Sharia Law right now, so I suspect that Mike Vick will be on his own personal "The Purge" weekend in a attempt to get Stoned.
A lot of people dont know this but Buffalo got alot of snow last week and it brougt out some serously strong internet takes:
That terrible. What kind’ve a person would even say any thing like th... oh
Bob Kraft just autographed his custom Air Force one. I had tears in my eyes pic.twitter.com/wRStv1V9Ji
— Pats Kihd (@BelichkFuxYaHoe) November 24, 2014 But most importantly weve got the cream of the AFC North verse the curds of the NFC South. Having the best and worst confrences in the same town in the same week is basicaly like when Vegas does the Consumer Electronic Show and the AVN awards at the same time. I call this game The Battle of New Orleans which is ironic because I guess word hasnt reached the superdome that they technicaly allready won the NFC south if they just stop fighting.
★★★
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