PFT Commenter’s roast of Jay Cutler

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Hello and good evening welcome to the Fryers club my name is PFT Commenter and Im going to be your host for a very special evening. The fact is tonight were not Smoking Jay Cutler, were roasting him. Matter fact I call him “Jay Cutlet” because hes so soft and hes definitely not a starter. Its great to see so many of Jays coworkers could make it out since traditonally its not until January that the Bears sit around there house with nothing to do. There are alot of familar faces in the crowd tonight- its like the end of Big Fish except if instead of living a amazing life, the old guy had spent his entire 70 years just staring at unclamed players on his fantasy leagues waiver wire.

Marc Trestmans here folks, glad to see you could make it out. Marcs like if you gave the McKenzie brothers a playbook and a calculator instead of a brewery. 100% guarentee that he asked for a chemistry set for Christmas at one point in his life. Marc comes from the CFL where apparently you play on a 120-yard field and its considered impolite to play pass defense. I just think hes in a little over his head is all. I think Marc would make a exellent math teacher or virgin in a teenage sex comedy, but Im just not so sure hes cut out for the NFL. Hes like if the skinny friend from “Angus” came from the Snot-Bubble kid from “The Little Giants” coaching tree and decided to implement a offense using a 20-sided dice. Now its not fair that Trestman has to live in the shadows of coaches like Mike Ditka who wouldnt understand what a statistic was because theres no advanced metric for how badly you break a mans spirit. He seems like a nice enough guy folks but if you want to coach in the NFL you better be more concern about Xs and Os than D and D. Just my take.

Kristen Cavalari is here folks lets give it up for Kristen. Ms Cavalarri is basicaly like a Kardashian without all the talent. The only difference is at least Kim has a husband who occasionally produces. Kristen dosent beleve in vaccinating her children which is ironic because I think America saw Kristen take more shots as a child then just about anyone. Im not saying Kristen was permiscous as a teenager, but if Jared Allen had ever been traded to the Hills, he would of had to pay her to give up her favorite number folks. Kirstens still gorgeous after squirting out a couple of tykes, but to be honest Im just shocked that any of Jays sperms were able to reach there intended target without being picked off or falling to the ground folks. Lets be honest here, letting Jay get on top of you is not a easy thing to do, as evidenced by the current NFC North standings.

Now its not all Jays fault, he dosen’t exactly have the best talent surrounding him. I mean hes got Matt Forte whose the most famous undrafted guy from Chicago since all of there politicians.

Jays also got Brandon Marshall who couldnt be here tonight. Brandons got to be more then a little frusrated with Jays terrible downfield accuracy this year. I hear that in true Chicago fashion, Jay calls Brandon “The South Side” because whenever he starts acting up, Cutler just tosses a couple overpasses his way and forget about it.

And on Defense, the Bears have to make do with something called a Chris Conte who plays defense like the fat kid in basketball who hangs out by the rim in a game of “21” and waits to tip people. Not kidding folks this Defense has so many holes in it that I thought I was reading a grand jury report not a box score.

Regardless Jay, your contract is fleecing Virginia McCaskey, your poor grandmother of a owner whose neck looks more like its used to haveing the Heart of The Ocean around it then a albatross.I dont know how you can look at yourself in the mirror knowing that the last time anyone from Chicago stole this much money from a old lady they told her she could keep her doctor folks. Jays known as being somewhat of a grumpy sourpuss on the sidelines- he blames it on “resting bitch face” but it goes both ways and I dont exactly see Jay out there rasing awareness for “resting bitch pancreas.” Now that might be a little harsh, and its certainly not my intention to make fun of Jay for something that he obviously cant control like his diabetes, or his passes.

We like to have fun here Jay and the fact is your a very wealthy man who is living a charmed life. If I had to listen to literaly Marc Trestman and Kristin Cavalerri telling me what to do all day I probably woudnt look super enthusiastic about anything or be any good at my job either. Im going to cut Jay some slack here because it takes a truly amazingly hatable person to make Josh McDaniels and Philip Rivers look sympathetic by comparison Jay. That takes a special kind of quarterback, and Im sure youll do great down in Tampa next year.

★★★