MMBM Week 14: How badly would Alabama beat Washington?

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

The Washington NFL team are a mess folks. Robert Griffin III walked off the field dejectedly after leading his team to another embarassing defeat as nearly dozens of thousands of fans cried into there expired beers. RG 3-10 is about to be RG 311 and this Redskins squad is once again All Mixed Up heading towards another Beautiful Disaster of a season that has folks in the district feeling Down- and lets face it folks Griffins skinny dreadlocks aboslutely scream “really bad reggae” in a stadium with terrible rotten PNuts.

Washington faled to run a single play on offense inside the Redzone all day. You know who else was locked up when they tryed to seek power in the 20s? Thats right Hitler.

And now, reports have surfaced that Griffin spends his afternoons punting a ball and chasing like a big solo game of fetch played by a lonley stray dog whose owner kicked him out of the house for a Colt.

But on the bright side, the sweetest debate of any professional sport is whether the very worst team could get beat by the very best team of student athletes. In this case the queston shouldnt be so much “could Alabma beat Washington?” because thats a easy answer- yes they could. The question is “Would Washington even make the 4-team playoff?”

First of all you have to wonder if they would have enough academicly eligible players to field a team. Aside from Ryan Kerrigan, Trent Murphy and RG3 who probably literally piled up on electives so unfairly that his college degree is even more gerrymandered then his knee, the practice squad would consist of Dan Snyder and 7 tumbleweeds in uniforms. Now Im not one for much college ball, I want my players to be spending more time in the filmroom then the classroom. But every now and again some of these bookworms put together a pretty sound team, and as both a Crimson Tide and a Semenoles fan I can say definitively that Either team would defeat Washington. Lets not forget that Robert Griffins only two sucessful trips to Alabama have involved ACL reconstructions, and the only thing they can beat the Semenoles in is a race to see whose name gets changed first.

As for the Ducks, Oregon has proven itself to be the best team in the country that practices just South of Washington, and there uniforms would be so appealing to your Desean Jacksons etc. that you could even expect to see some defections at halftime. Ohio State has a recent history of loseing to the worst teams based in Virginia, so Washington might have a false sense of confidence, but Ohio State has a better strength of schedule in the Big 10, considering Washington gets to play the Giants twice, and had several intersquad cupcake scrimmages to open up there season.

The other thing I really enjoy about college football is the fans. They truly embrace debate like no other:

This is very true. And it was a common sentment across the board. Baylor and TCU were getting left out because the Playoff Committee whose initials are literally “PC” decided that Christians arent welcome in Americas national title game:

Folks you cant spell FBS without BS, and this proves it. In fact there football playoff members are so biased Im just suprised they didnt schedule the Christian schools to play the Lions.

Were literally being persecuted in this country just because of our religion and weak non-conference schedules and its time we put a stop to it.

But for all the whining and belly-aching, Its hard to look at the ommisson of Baylor and not think that it had something to do with Robert Griffins recent play. Your best player in the history of your college is the worst player in the history of the NFL and you expect the committee to just not notice that? Im sorry but Condoleeza Rice would never let a important detail like what a offensive weapon that used to be effective 5 years ago is doing right now her before making serious decisions.

Now on to the weekly awards:

After reports surfaced that 5 out of 5 NFL execs and QB coaches would rather have Derek Carr then Colin Kaeperneck as a QB, Derek went out there and proved them all right. Carr had 3 TDs and 254 yards and once again proved that Statlines are more importent then Tatlines as he dismantled the 49ers. Tony Sparnos transiton lenses were in full on dark mode because Carr was shining so bright out there folks

I call Derek “JD Power and associates” because hes a Carr that wins things that dont really matter. And though some would call these lateseason wins pointless, Carrs playing the long game here because he dosent want the Raiders to have a top draft pick because they might take a top tier QB to take his job. Thats what I call proactive quaterbacking folks.

Also, Carr is a great example for all the fans out there. Do to his great leadership and ability to unite, the Raiders and the 49ers fans went a full day without shooting or stabbing each other.UPDATE.

Something was rotten at the Thanksgiving Day game between the Lions and the Bears, and Lye Beastin did what any redblooded American man ought to and put a stop to it. You see, Lye was sitting behind a couple- a lady who happen to be 8-months pregnant and her husband. The pregnant lady kept texting a man name “Jason” in her phone saying how much she missed him and how she wished she was spending thanksgiving with him, instead of a guy that would drag his 8-month pregnant wife to a Lions game on Thanksgiving for some reason.

Any ways, what the lady didnt’ count on was modern day true detective and person who probly owns multiple “bros before hos” hats sitting behind her and snooping in on her phone texts:

And heres the note itself:

(Photo via Reddit)

Lye took to face book to defense his actions after some people suggested that maybe he should of just ignored it. Ignoring a problem dosent make it go away- just ask Neville Chamberlain. In fact, Mr. Beastin would never of even said anything except the lady made a joke that was clearyley out of bounds:

Wherever theres a guy with a tiny dick taking his pregnant wife to see the Lions, Lye Beastin will be there, making sure that no man is getting cheated on without him making a federal case about it and posting it on facebook. Also, This gives me a busness idea and its for men with super pregnant wives to find guys that are willing to spend time with them no offense to women in general.

What if, now bear with me, Lye Beastin WAS Jason, and Jason is a Bears fan, and he slipped that note to his girlfriends husband as the ultimate power move just so that he could post it online? Fan Hall of Fame either way IMO.

#ChiveOn indeed Mr. Beastin. #ChiveOn

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

The Ravens got a much needed win down in Miami verse the Dolphins. Joe Flacco had a couple nice TDs and even ran a score in, as a seeming wink to Ryan Tannehill getting all the recent glory for being deceptively fast. Tannehill needs to remember who the true king of sneaky athleticism in this league is and thats Joe Flacco.

If you find yourself questoning Joe Flaccos Eliteness just take a look at these stats right here:

This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite

1. The Rams Davin Joseph copycatted me. Ive been writing I cant breath on my shoes for years to rase awareness to potential EMS workers about my sleep apnea. Its like the “if you can read this flip me over” thing you see on the back of my ex-girlfriends new boyfriends jeep.

2. Cam Newton should of been arrested for inciting a riot doing his little Superman stunt that led to a brawl in the Superdome. If Newton likes Superman so much he should be aware that theres a young kid with a can-do attitude named Olson whose counting on him to be a true leader. I actualy think Newton could benefit from a little trip to the angola prison, but hed probably get the rodeo director fired after having one good season and then talking a bunch of bull.

3. Washington looked helpless once again on defense mostly because they have a secondary of Brandon Merriweather and Ryan Clark who apparently thought they were defending aginst actual Rams the way they were charging head first. Jim Haslett is a proven winner but its tough to coach men who cant coach themselfs.

4. T.Y. Hilton makes his initals everytime he scores a Touchdown. The NFL needs to come down HARD on him before Patrick Peterson tries to copy him by lifting his leg on a pylon after a return TD.

5. Philbin doesnt look like he “wants to be a millionare” for much longer the way hes coaching.

6.@PFTCommenter Jason Pierre Paul is the first person in history to go from threes names to a no-name

Terrible name discipline

7. Mike Carey has not gotten a single challenge call correctly all year. If Lovie Smith had ever challenged a Mike Carey call the world would have no choice but to collapse on itself do to sheer wrongness. I say that if Careys diagnosis rate got any worse the only job hell be qualfied for is team physician or Ebola Czar.

8. Tom Brady might have touretes syndrome the way hes been cussing up a storm these past couple weeks on national television. The FCC should have exemptions for people who have accomplished great things in he NFL, like if youve won a Superbowl you should get to say the F on TV, if you win two, you can say C words, and if your a hall of famer you can be Mike Ditka.

9. JJ Watt gets it. He told Peter King that “success isnt owned, its leased. And rent is due every single day.” But he forgets that you need teamates to cosign because one person cant do success a loan. I urge you all to reread my theory on JJ that he is suspicous with how much he “gets it.” Normaly with a guy like JJ I would be shouting his name from the rooftops and making my okcupid dates dates watch gamefilm before I even ask them any questions about their own interests, but JJ Watt is up to something you can tell. Heres a updated list of things that make me queston his authenticity:

-Went into the gym immedately after signing 100 million dollar contract and let everyone know about it

-Sent Pizzas to every fire department and police station in his neighborhood a long with a big note thanking them that was leak to the press somehow. And his signature looks suspicously like “S S Watt”

(Photo via The Big Lead)

And perhaps the most damming evidence yet

-Gave a interview to Peter King that even made Peter King queston his authenticty. Not a easy feat.

10. Watched a little of Eaten Alive last night and I was amazed by the ending folks. A man trying to get eaten by a snake? Ho-hum. But pulling out at the last second so he didnt have to get swallowed? Unreal

11. If you had any doubt that Jay Gruden could get the job done- you can put that to rest right now because hes got a formula for sucess:

This is in response to a halfitme contest where the winner gets free tuition to go to school and hopefully one day steal Rovells job.

Are the Kansas City wide receivers the ultimate team players because they’ve goon an entire see son without catching a TD pass? - Tom

The Kansas City Chiefs have literaly the perfect receving core because its the threat of them scoring a TD thats more important then actually scoring them. Its like when your a kid and your Dad or Todd keeps the whooping belt hanging from the wall in the living room. He never anctually has to use it, but the fact that you know its there makes you respect him out of fear. Andy Reid is a titan of psychological tricks and lets be honest folks, its not the first time hes crushed a whole stack of egos.

Remember when the Falcons and the Packers were suppose to be the futures of the NFC? Well its true. The Pack have a death grip on the NFC North lead, and the Falcons can slide into first place in the NFC South with a win. Two Elite teams.

Also Brett Farves going to be in the building unless he decides at the last minute not to. Farves been a bit low-key these past couple years down on his farm in Hattiesburg. He might be campaining for votes to get a spot in the ring of honor, but it might be a fools errand since the last time a guy with a Mississippi ideology travelled through Wisconsin they elected him Govenor instead.

People are making alot of fun of the NFC South because there records arent great, but you dont have to be the best you just have to be better then your competition in life. Thats the key to success is surrounding yourself with the most incompetent people in the world and then when you manage to not screw up to badly your pretty much a allstar. Thats why Im a sportswtriter.

★★★