To celebrate Presidents Day, let’s take a look at what would happen if you were to assemble an NFL roster of United States presidents. These rankings are 100 percent final, and they are also true.
The All-Presidential Football League roster
It’s Presidents Day, so we made a team full of commanders in chief. Obama at CB, Lincoln at QB. This is what the Washington POTUSes would look like.
Ronald Reagan Presidential Library
Quarterback: Abraham Lincoln
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Had all the height and measurables. Abe would have kept defenses honest with his commitment to the ground game, which allowed him to burn opponents deep in the long run. Great halftime speech-giver, and an asset in the huddle. Keep him away from the film room as he should never be allowed to view any plays.
RB: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Two words: Wheel Route.
Wide Receiver: JFK
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Kennedy was a Collinsworth-type of president, a real horndog who could talk his way out of anything. Kennedy would be a fourth-quarter player due to his tremendous stamina. The guy got a medal for swimming 3 miles to shore carrying a wounded soldier by the strap of his life jacket IN HIS TEETH. John also played JV WR in college, so the undersized King of Camelot projects to fit right in as an Eddie Royal slot guy.
TE: Lyndon Johnson
LBJ was our second-tallest president at 6’3 so his wingspan is an asset here, although he does have a track record of overextending himself. He also would have been a great boon for his QB’s completion percentage due to his underrated success in getting things passed. As we saw in Tonkin, LBJ is not afraid to try to draw penalties by selling a completely made-up infraction to Congress or a referee.
OT: William Taft
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An elite BMI of 42.3, this is a bookend guy. You don’t want to get in a phone booth with a guy who gets stuck in a bathtub.
OG: Grover Cleveland
Just like in the White House, you’re going to want two Grover Clevelands with one guy in between him on your line. Cleveland weighed a respectable 275 pounds, making him the second-largest U.S. president in history.
Center: Bill Clinton
(Getty images)
Say what you want about the other places he would put them, but he would never get a penalty for illegal hands to the face. Just as skilled blocking to the left as he is to the right. At 6’2, 235 pounds, Clinton had decent size for a center, but more importantly, he took a lifetime of mental reps as he was constantly worried about what was going on between his legs.
DT: Teddy Roosevelt
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The guy invented the “Bull Moose Party,” I think he can take on a couple of offensive linemen. As far as presidents go, I would take Teddy in a fight over just about every other guy in the room except for MAYBE Washington. One time, Teddy got shot while making a speech and went ahead and finished the damn thing. He used to go swimming naked in the Potomac River, so maybe he’s more of a sober Dana Stubblefield kind of DT.
DE: George Washington
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Washington could anchor a strong defense and get after the opposition’s leader. At 6’3 and 220 pounds, he might be a bit undersized in today’s NFL game, but Jesus was a tweener too.
Linebacker: Gerald Ford
(Courtesy Gerald R. Ford Library)
The only president to star at any position in big-time college football until we elect President Manziel. Injury prone, but you take experience where you can get it.
CB: Barack Obama
(White House photo)
70 percent of the Earth is covered by water, the rest is covered by Obamacare. Obama is a Richard Sherman kind of guy: he's got great length and he was introduced to millions of American households because of a speech.
Safety: Thomas Jefferson
T.J. is your FS nickel you bring in on obvious passing situations. Minor locker room character issues since he spends every offseason in France. Also, the guy who is most likely to incite a locker room mutiny. Little-known fact: Jefferson’s ideas were the foundation of the tradition where players dump a Gatorade cooler on their coach to protest taxation on sports drink consumption; although, former All-Pro DT Sam Adams gets all the credit for it.
K/P: James Madison
Madison was 5’4 and 122 pounds, so there’s really nowhere else he would fit in anyway. The Martin Gramatica of presidents, almost destroyed his own country by celebrating a victory in Britain’s face. HATES review system. And what better position than kicker for a president who is famous for his “non-intercourse” policy?
Offensive Coordinator: George W. Bush
(White House photo)
Following in the footsteps of courageous football pioneers like Jim Mora Jr., Brian Schottenheimer and Kyle Shanahan.
Head Coach: Ronald Reagan
(Courtesy Ronald Reagan Library)
Just like a real NFL head coach, Reagan gets too much credit for everything that went right during his tenure. Really all he would need to do is recite the “Win one for the Gipper” speech before every game and his team would go undefeated.
Commissioner: Jimmy Carter
(White House photo)
Except for that whole giving the Seahawks back to the AFC stunt, Carter would have excelled at a job that required him to be boring and do absolutely nothing.
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