Absurd Power Rankings: 2 Carls are better than 1

There are some aspects of the NFL we all simply know to be true. Defense wins championships. A great quarterback is nothing without a great offensive line. And Carl is the most football name possible. We can, therefore, accurately determine the football-ness of each NFL team by counting the number of Carls they’ve ever had on the roster. We can then compare the Carl stats between teams and use that comparison as the basis for a power ranking.

We can, and we will.

(All data taken from the ever-useful and excellent Pro Football Reference.)

Sure, the Packers have a head start on a number of teams on this list, but they’ve used it wisely -- by signing 11 football Carls over the years, more than anyone else. One, Carl Mulleneaux, is even in the Packers Hall of Fame. Most importantly, the only currently active Carl, Carl Bradford, is a Packer. This is how you become the greatest franchise in sports.

Of the 10 Carls in Giants history, the most important is inarguably linebacker Carl Banks, who helped the Giants win Super Bowl XXI with 10 solo tackles (including four for a loss) against the Broncos.

Tied with New York with 10 historical Carls, the Cardinals may have the most team name-appropriate entry on this list: Carl Birdsong, their punter from 1981 to 1985.

Eight Carls in team history, including a magical 1975 season when the roster was home to THREE different Carls. (The Jets went 3-11, a fact we choose to blame on Carl misuse by the coaching staff.)

The Bears can also claim eight Carls but fall behind the Jets by failing to use them in combination. Carls need other Carls to thrive and grow.

There are no Carl Carls who have played professional football, but the Lions came the closest to that beautiful dream when they signed Carl Carr to their 1987 roster.

Like the Browns, Rams and Lions, the Saints have employed six Carls in their history. The Saints come in at No. 7 because they’ve had one on the roster more recently than St. Louis or Cleveland -- Carl Nicks, from 2008 to 2011.

Six Carls is still really good, you guys!

Five Carls have played for the Raiders, including one of the world’s most famous Carls, football or otherwise:

All are stuck in an unbreakable tie just after Oakland, by virtue of each having five Carls and zero Carl Weatherses.

Of the four Carls who have suited up for the Vikings, Carl Eller stands above all the others, as the only Carl in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Four Carls in team history, none of which they infected with staph.

Also four Carls in team history, one of which they infected with staph.

In 1987, the 49ers had two of their three historical Carls on the roster. Carl Monroe played running back and Carl Keever was a linebacker. And that means you could have had Carl tackling Carl, which would lead to the creation of the Carlverse.

Well before they moved to Nashville, the Oilers had a Pro Bowl-caliber Carl returning punts:

Carl is a football name first, but it’s also an extremely Indiana name -- and yet the Colts have only had three Carls in their history. It’s time to start asking the tough questions about your team’s ownership and management, Indianapolitans.

Three Carls overall, but none since 1975. It’s hard to excuse a Carl drought of that length.

Only two Carls have played for the Patriots, but both were running backs. We salute the Pats for being progressive enough to ignore the harmful stereotypes and play Carls at positions other than the offensive and defensive lines.

Carls of the American South deserve a team they can believe in, and both of these franchises have failed them by only signing two Carls ever.

Two Carls in team history isn’t great, and it becomes even more disheartening when you learn neither of them was drafted by Seattle. There’s no honor in letting other teams take a chance on rookie Carls and then snapping up the ones that pan out.

Only one Carl, but that’s largely a product of the team’s relatively short history.

That excuse does not apply to Dallas, however, which falls at least three Carls short of our expectations.

No Carl has ever appeared on the roster for the Panthers, Jaguars or Texans. Expansion franchises have it tough in this power ranking, but they would do well to remember that each offseason is an opportunity to improve Carl depth.

It’s absolutely inexcusable that a professional football team founded in 1960 has made it this long without signing a Carl.