New NFL drug policy will turn players into pot addicts

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

The new NFL drug policy is scheduled to be released this afternoon and its widely expected to be more leniant on dope smoking, molly snorting, and everything in between. The League is repsonding to public opinion that says its drug penalties are harsher then its domestic violence penalties, so there going with the only logical choice: reducing drug penalties.

Basicly the NFL is turning itself into Hamsterdam if you need a “Wire” analogy to understand NFL football like certain “journalists ” and king of the munchies Jason Whitclock. If you didnt watch the Wire, Hamsterdam was a part of Baltimore where they legalized all kinds of drugs and prostution in a small part of the city- in other words its basically M&T Bank Stadium. They did this because the Police were bad at there jobs and werent able to arrest Heroin addicts fast enough to cure them of addiction. The project was a shorterm success becuase the inmates were literally running the assylum, but longterm it was a disaster.

Everyone lost their jobs because the cops didnt have any more work to do since there was no crime or anything. If laws are outlawed, then only outlaws will follow laws. If the NFL lets you smoke drugs, then all the NFL securty apparatus that is vital and completley neccesary for a sports league to have wont have a job to do, and if you go a few months without suspending a Seahawks DB for drugs than people are going to get upset that the League isnt being fair to players who arent using their training facilities as a underground meth superlab.

We allready have a test case for what weed would look like if it were legalized in sports- its called the NBA. Theyve got players literaly snapping there legs in half and cramping up during the finals because the THC is puling all the calcium and water out of there stringy muscles just so they can get a cheap high. Paul Georges leg got broke by a foam pad folks Id hate to see what JJ Watt would do to him on third down.

You remember Playmaker’s when that one runningback would smoke crack at halftime? Thats probly going to happen. Now your going to have drug use running rampant in the NFL which will result in sloppier play, forgetting there assignments, and players running late for the afternoon kickoffs so they can get there 4:20 potjunkie fix in.

You cant selectively enforce the laws if your the NFL. Your not Barack Obama you dont get to decide whats illegal and whats not based on your mood. If you let players smoke drugs then lets be consistent and stop the phony outrage for Jim Irsay getting arrested for recreationally blowing lines of oxy and parking his car on a median playing air guitar to Warren Zevon. It has zero impact on his performence ON the field, so its fine right? I caught you in a inconsistency there you have to admit.

Im all in favor of TARGETED drug tests towrads players who statistically are more likely to smoke pot. Or you could pass a rule saying the nanograms per milliliter of THC you have in your system should not be aloud to be higher then your jersey number. This encourages Wide Recevers to take traditonal uniform numbers in the 80s,, and puts players like repeat offender Hash Gordon of the Cleveland Greens right in the crosshairs.

This new drugs policy is a slippery slope and its only going to get slipperyer if youve got every slot recever and scatback sniffing snowflakes and injecting ice, folks.