MMBM Week 3: The best week in NFL history

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Just a word of warning: your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Week 3 was perhaps the best week in the history of the NFL because it was the worst week in the history of the NFL. Any press is good press - thats marketing 101- and the league has certanly kept itself in the headlines. When the NFL is a complete clusterfuck off the field it makes the actual games look even better- another brillant marketing strategy by Goodell and it further cements the fact that he should never be fired ever.

Our commander and chief Roger Goodell gave such a strong press conference on Friday afternoon you have to allmost think he would of been great as a Iraqi information minister. He bravley came out and said that the NFL was going to become a leader in the domestic violents space. Goodell hit all the right notes in his presser by saying the NFLs misson is clear- to stop ALL violence against women.

If you missed the press conference, you missed Peter King speaking truth to power and asking some tough questons like “Mr Commissoner how hard have you been working to Get It Right this week on a scale of 1-10, 1 being extremely hard and 10 being also extremely hard?”

You also missed Goodell doubling down on his claim that he didnt know what was on the TMZ video until the rest of America saw it- something that both ESPN and the New York Daily News has reported to be false. Well the NFL is a investigation league so Im going to wait and hear all the facts about why Roger Goodell is lying to America before jumping to any conclusions.

In the meantime the League needs to stay ahead of this story by figuring out what to do with all of its players who seem to rather commit a domestic assault so they can get paid without having to work. Solution: The NFL should start a seperate farm league thats all players who are suspended that plays its games on Tuesday and Wednesday nights instead of just sending them all to the Bengals and 49ers. That way it doubles as an new revenue stream for the League while filling in the much soughtafter 4th and 5th night of NFL on TV.

One of the strangest parts from the Ray Rice report is that Roger Goodell may have brought Ravens owner Steve Biscotti to Augusta national golf course as his guest to discus the Ray Rice suspension in private on the links. This is completely shocking news not because it woud be a example of backdoor busness dealings, but rather that Augusta allowed a Italian on the premises. Now we all know that Condoleeza Rice is also a member of Augusta National which makes you wonder if there are may be some backchannel meetings going on just in case the shit hits the fan and Rice herself will be named the next office secretary to Roger Goodell.

Danny Woodheads injury.

(Via KSK)

You almost couldnt help but notice that Woodhead suffered a very similar injury to RG3s. It dawned on me that the NFLs just like jazz music: one week youve got a improvising hip cat scatting around ‘bip ba bop bip bip’ and grooving his ankle right out of place, and then next thing you know youve got cleancut folks like Woodhead out in California growing there hair out and incorporating some of these bad habits into there own repetoire. It started with pot music and now its progressed on to football players.

However- Woodheads lucky to have a guardian angel looking over him: Little did Danny know that the entire reason his teammate Phillip Rivers was squirting out all those kids was because he was growing a literal farm of tiny replacement bodyparts for Woodhead in the event of injury. Its too bad for Rivers son that hes going to lose a limb but he knew that was part of the deal all along.

Thats right every point in the Pats/Raiders game was scored by a Kowski. This is the ultimate working class suffix and it inspired me to do a little digging into the ancestry of the name “Kowski.” Heres what Ive discovered:

After a long day of eating beers and taking over the counter medicatons recreationally I tend to forget whose playing on which channell too.

This weeks rating is: “Is Joe Flacco Elite?”

Steve Smith had this to say about Flacco: “We call him, ‘Joe Cool,’ ” Smith said. “Throughout the whole game, good or bad, Joe stays the same.”

LOVE THIS lack of emotion. You want a little bit of psychopath in your QB. Do you know how hard it is to get 11 people to buy into a system under immense pressure? Just ask Charles Manson- the only other dynamic leader whose more known for taking a razorblade to his browline than Flacco himself.

1. Funny how Indian people stopped protesting the Redskins ever since they got a quaterback who can actually honor them with his play. Now that “Chief Stitch-me-up the third (time this season)” is out of commison,, the name “redskins” is actually something that people want to be associated with.

1a. I am SHOCKED that Dan Snyder hasnt found a way 2 steal the league screwup spotlight back on himself. Im waiting for him to sign Michael Sam off the Cowboys practice squad and then immedately cut him or something. This has got to be absolutley tearing at his insides right now.

2. Blake Bortles isnt ready to play yet. Theres a order of things in a city like Jacksonville where your going to have to earn a C on your hepatits test before you get one on your chest. Jacksonvilles Henne-town USA and Blakes honestly showing a real lack of maturity by cutting in line.

3. Teddy Bridgewater might be the worse quarterback in the history of the entire NFL besides Matt Cassel but thats none of my business tho...

4. Quaterbacks like Andy Dalton, Johnny Manzel, and Russel Wilson need to stop inssting that they get passes thrown to them. I get it that you want to look cool- its like when Eddie Van Halen tried to sing some songs and people literally tried to send him death threats because I just wanted him to play the guitar and Stick to Chords.

5. There isnt a single NFL play goes by where Eli Manning doesnt say “Aw Shucks!” this is an fact:

6. Peter King is the best NFL reporter in the world because hes not a gotcha journlist. Hes allways one you can count on to get quotes from athletes that are pretty much exactly what youd make up if you wanted to invent a quote from them. By the way I cant be the only one who finds it ironic that he advertises so much for the MicroSoft Surface which is also a perfict description of his dick.

7. The best field in the NFL is the Panthers. Theres a NFL shield at midfield to remind people that the League is bigger then any team. I usually give Cam Newton alot of crap but I have to admit it was extremely respectful of him to not engineer any drives in the game that would lead his team to trampling over the midfield logo. Classy move.

8. Dick LeBeaus name is still french for “The Beautiful Dick.”

9. This is maybe the best video Ive ever seen:

10. They shoud implement flex scheduling for girls i sit behind in bars. Not to be sexist but if your going to go to a bar you should at least good enough for me to oggle until you want to leave.

11. Factod of the weeK: Oakland traveled to New England to play against there future team 4 years from now

12. Theres not going to be any documentary about Woodheads road to recovery- maybe a Aaron Tippin song, but definitley not a movie.

13. Ive been able to overlook alot of things about Roger Goodells career, but when he didnt hit Rachel Nichols with a “sup?” to interrupt her nagging questons, that really showed a level of disrespect against women that you dont often see among millonaire men. Do better, Commish.

Nick Price writes:

First of all I want to say that Im a Kansas City Chiefs fan because I re2pect Alex Smiths grit. He used his deseptive speed and moxy to overcome literaly having baby hands people forget that. That been said, I was watching Denver Boncos play the last 2 weeks and something stunk and it wasnt the smell of Von Miller after a nite on the town if you know what I mean. No offense to Payton Manning who is a true leader but the Mile “High” offense cheats as much as the Cheattle Cheathawks. Its nothing but illegal pick routes all over the field.

This is a very good and true. in fact I think the only team that doesnt cheat these days is probably the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and they should start. The NFL is a copycat league and the Seahawks are the smart Asian kid (no offense to other races who arent Asian for implying that you arent as smart as them) and its basicly become a game of copying the answers until teacher starts throwing flags for violating the 5 yard cushion.

Rex Ryan some how alternates being skinny and fat each quater.

In the latest 80s SNL State-Farm commercal, Bill Parcells makes his acting debut as the body double for “It’s Pat.”

Saints verse Cowboys on Sunday Night Football. Between Sean Payton and Rob Ryan youve got coaches who were to competent for Jerry Jones to trust running his franchise making their triumphant return to Dallas. You have to imagine that Rob is literaly going to urinate on the midfield star during warmups and then Drew Brees will throw for 700 yds and 6 TDs to 5 diffrent receivers.

By the way what is Jerry Jones waiting for to activate Michael Sam? Theres no chance that his defense would be any worse then it is currently its just not mathmaticaly possible. In a week that is despereate for good storylines to be spoonfed to the liberal PC media this would be a welcome distracton, not that I care one way or the other about Michael Sam. Because I dont care and I wish that people would stop writing about him except for me when I’m telling everyone how little I care.