The MMBM: Week 4- The Dallas Cowboys will win the Super Bowl

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Just a word of warning: your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

The NFL is the best sport in America by far, but that dosent mean that its all milk and honey folks. Last night was just a terrible terrible thing for the league as Tony Romo failed to completeley melt down like we were all expecting and hoping him to. Instead The Cowboys went out there with confidents and loaded a tacocannon worth of points and defence against the New Orleans Saints. Romo was picking a part the Saints so easily in Dallas last night I spent most of the second half looking for a nother QB standing on the grassy knoll out there. For all of us who tuned in to see a epic collapse this was a tremendous dissappointment and as a member of the establishment media I must take some responsibility for that: I told you all that the Cowboys were going to be really bad this year and I set our standards for there dissappointment too low. So let me go on record here and recalibrate your expectations:

Im going to be the first to say it folks,, the Dallas Cowboys are the odds-on favorite to win the Superbowl. Anything less then a world championship will be a udder failure for these Cowpokes. Thats right, its superbowl or bust in the Big D and fans across Cowboy nation are guarenteeing that its their year. Tony Romo is poised to take the title as the best QB in the entire NFL- hes calling his shothere and we’re all excited to watch him follow through on it. Should the Cowboys taste winters cold defeat come playoff time, it would be the worst most dissappointing thing to ever happen in Texas since the state learned how to organize a committee to determine what goes into textbooks.

The Cowboys have such a talented roster and highpowered, effeciently run offensive strategy, that theres literally no excuse for them to not easily win homefield advantage and dispatch the Seahawks, Falcons, and I dont know lets just say the Lions for a cackwalk over Denver in Glendale come February. Tony Romos playing MISTAKE FREE FOOTBALL and hes not going to revert back to his old ways,, if he did, well then that would be a disaster the likes of which the NFL has never ever seen.

Lets check in on our weekly awards;

Not only did Romo cement himself at the top of NFLs mount Rushmore by defeating the New Orleans saints and setting himself up for perhaps the biggest disaster you can ever imagine if he has another bad game, but he also took matters into his own hands with teammate DeMarco Murray after the game:

Thats great leadership on Romos part. Your a cowboy son wear your hat the right way. I know alot of these NFL players cant manage there finances and turn their back on bills, but when it comes to wearing your ballcap you put that thing in the front. When a NFL player wears his hat backwords its telling fans that its more important to keep the name on the back of your jersey looking cool instead of the one on the front. So again another great job of Romo here intercepting a potential MAJOR PR disaster.

(submitted by Ben Isaacs)

The London NFL games are the magical time of year when every english football fan gets to trade in his John Terry jersey for a Riley Cooper one. I give this guy alot of credit because its not like the Eagles were playing,, and really it dosent suprise me that a person who would spend hundreds of dollars to watch the Raiders verse the Dolphins would be the same type of person who owns a Coooper jersey.

Joe Flacco had his most Elite week of the season so far,, even managing to complete TWO passes on one pass as he threw a perfect alley-oop to Owen Daniles and told Daniles to tip it to Steve Smith for a touchdown. He threw for 327 yards and 3 TDs and just absolutely took out a contract against the Panthers.

(via Eric Kay)

Thats Flacco who stands 6’6” getting down and dirty to his 5’8” Justin Forsett. Low man allways wins in the NFL and Flacco showed me his attenton to detail on this one.

So obvously Flacco passes the eyeball test if not the eyebrow one,, but for all you stat nerds out there heres a handy dandy little graph (via Brian Burke) that shows you just how good Joe Flacco is at being Elite:

NOT PICTURED: Robert Griffin III

1. Derek Jeter hasnt gotten enoug credit for his contributons to the NFL by being so good at baseball. At the very least I hope someone can find out his coffee ordering habits which I imagine go something like this.

Jeter: One cafe au lait please-

Barista: Name for the cup? (Her bodys the only thing thats half cream right now folks shes melting into his dreamy eyes)

Jeter: You can just put “Mr. Right,,” and can I get that to go? I like drinking my coffee in bed.

Barista: (Is allready pregnant)

2. People were all upset that ESPN was going to dedicate a 2 hour NFL show to eliminating domestic violents from the face of the earth but it turns out its just another humdrum pregame show.The panel will feature Mike Ditka, Chris Bermen, Keyshawn Johnson, Chris Carter, probably Ed Werder for some reason, and 6 other male panelists. Now some members of the professonal outrage society known as the internet were all up in arms because there are no women on the show even though 80% of domestic violents is occuring against women. That means that men are statisticly good at not getting abused so it makes sense that Trent Dilfer would want to pass a long the strategies that worked for him. Its almost like you cant win with the PC crew even when your trying to help.

3. Southpark was way out of bounds to insult Dan Snyder and the Redskins. But it also turns out there HUGE hypocrits unlike me. I mean did you know that that “Colorado” literally means “Colored Red?” If were syaing that your not allowed to name things after colors anymore shouldnt South Park Colorado change its name then? Shoudnt they aknowledge the fact that Indians were racist against themselfs when they named the state after the colors of the rocks? Goes both ways.

5. Joe Namath played professonal football at the highest level possible for over a decade:

6. Roger Goodell met with Universty of Texas Head coach Charlie Strong on Sunday to learn more about how Charlie Strong is able to do things like disipline players when they get caught doing egregous things. The University of Texas has been very effective recently at keeping its players out of situations where they would be likley to commit crimes, such as becoming NFL players.

7. Eliminate the punt from NFL games. The Packers Bears game didnt have a single kick and it was great fun. Teams should not be aloud to kick the ball unless its done by a offensive lineman or Big Ben.

8. Bye weeks are a abomination. They call em “bye” weeks because you have to actualy say “adios” to your couch if your teams not playing. If these players really want a week off every season they should just schedule the Radiers and be done with it.

9. JJ Watt and Danny Woodhead would make for great realty TV show where they go hunting or take a trip to battle ISIS or something. It should be called “Three guys just bein guys” and maybe they could pick one lucky viewer to get to drink a beer with them and then take them to meet my exgirlfriend so she could see how good im doing.

10. Dennis Allen may of been fired in England last night but do to time zones and stuff he isnt fired because last night hasnt happened yet in the United States. If the Raiders fire Dennis Allen this would leave the door wide open for Bill Romonowski to swoop in as Raiders interim head coach and pretty much just baricade himself inside the building and dare them to fire him. People forget that Romonowski intervewed for the Broncos Head Choaching job in 2010 but was turned down in favor of Josh McDaniels, which I realize dosent say a whole hell of a lot about Bill. Apparently Romonoksi has a 30 page powerpoint deck that he uses in his job intervews to decribe the intensity that he will bring, but in realty all 30 pages are just gifs from “Birth of a Nation.”

11. The inmates are ruining the assylum. Steve Smith Sr(iously?) did the opposite of handing the ball back to the ref- just a terrible example for younsters watching at home:

12. Teddy Bridgewater had a serviceable first game but make no misstake about it, this is Matt Cassell’s team. The NFL stands for “Knees First League” and Bridgewaters meniscus doesnt have the girth-discipline to hold up to12 more games of making NFL throws. Those kind of mickey mouse legs might of worked in Louisville, slugger, but not in the pros. Whats even worse is that Bridgewaters teamates are all under his spell and seem to be buying his gypsy promises. I look forward to 5 more years of Mike and Mike debating whose better Bortles or Bridgewater- “the killer B’s” well guess what? Ones a worker bee and the others a moneybee queen. Ill let you figure out whose who.

Todays mail comes from a great football mind, Mr. @TrillBallins:

Saves should be an official stat in the NFL... award one to Matt hasselbeck for his gutsy garbage time

I think this is a tremendous idea. There should be closers like in baseball, and you have to admit that Tim Tebow would pretty much be the John Rocker of professonal football. They could just blast some Jars of Clay when its time to bring in the righty and Tebow would sprint his ass out onto that field and fire some hard fastballs of QB dives right down the middle. You talk about getting the fans out of there seats folks. So this week Im awarding 2 saves, one to Christian Ponder for cleaning up Bridgewaters mess and putting out the fire to beat the Falcons, and one to Matt Hasselback for stepping in and keeping the Titans at bay to secure a gritty 41-17 win.

As reader Scott B points out corectly, Darren was tricked into thinking that softdrinks are beer just like when his freshman roomate at Northwestern mixed gingerale and apple juice and Darren pretended to get drunk.

1. Rob Gronkowskis going to be spiking balls and spiking drinks all over Kansas tonight. To be fair if suitcase-athletes like Cam Newton are allowed to name all the different colleges they got kicked out of I think Gronk should introduce himself by listing which pornstarts he hasnt slept with yet.

2. Look for Alex Smith to struggle in the second halve, hes just not use to staying up this late on a schoolnight.

Its going to be Houston verse Dallas the battle of which city is more pissed off that there not the state capitol. These two cities really dont like each other except they are exactly the same in the theres alot of dumb people with to much money and neither one is within a hours drive of a different beach. My prediction: Dallas 69, Houston 0. Anything less will be a complete disappointment for this Cowboys team that has no excuse for not winning all there remaining games.