MMBM: Ignorant NFL fans need to obey referees instead of protesting them

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Ignorant fans just dont understand the rules and never has that been more evident than today, folks.

The correct call is always the one thats made on the feild. End of story. If your scared that officals will screw up a call against you I have a little piece of advice- do what the referees tell you. Listen to them. If you do whatever they say then there wont be a issue even if theyre wrong- which theyre not. All referees calls are technically correct and any one who says otherswise is dangerously underminding the NFLs rule of law.

Alot of armchair zebras who have never been on the field are complaning because the refs apeared to choke during the Cowboys Lions game. First of all that wasnt a choke they simply restrained themselfs from calling a penalty. Second of all it doesnt matter what you thought you saw because the officials are the ones who get to enforce the rules- not you, and certainly not that hippy “Wide 9” himself Matt Stafford, who was left standing looking so mad at the referees youd of thought they left the mayo off his third sandwich.

As a ardent supporter of the refs I stand with them allways. The fact that former VP of officiating Mike Perera put his glass of Titos Handmade Vodka down long enough to badmouth the thin white and black line between football and chaos literaly makes me sick. Pereira went on national TV and said that they officials blew it and that the call should of stood as originally called. I dont care if hes technically right, hes literally wrong.

In fact, I stand with Pete Morelli, Ed Hoculi, Dean Blandino and all the other Italians and support there right to protest the networks handling of this issue. I think they should even consider a protest of there own and face AWAY from the TV cameras and Mike Perera when announcing calls for the remainder of the postseason to send a clear message. Whats ironic is how many fan’s claim to hate the officials but then if there team scores a touchdown, the first person they look for is a official to call it.

Plus, missed calls actualy make the game better. Its called “the human element” and it is wonderfull. Let me ask you a question- even though we can literaly program robots to have perfect sex every time would you rather sleep with a real person or pound off in a server-room looking at naked picutres of R2D2? Thats what I thought. Its the exact same thing when it comes to NFL officals. Its a slippery slope- one day your making pass interference reviewable and the next day your allowing slot recevers to call their own penalties.

Lets look at the call in queston. It was 3rd and 1- a obvious fullback dive situation if I ever saw one and Jim Calledwrong chose to air it out with a rink dink seam route instead of telling Dominic Raiola to put on the Doc Martins and take the boys for a hike. If your going to run a gimmick play on 3rd and short your going to get a gimmick result. Caldwell was ASKING for a bad call at that point. I cant blame the Cowboys ether, they played the game within the rules even though they broke them- As Thomas Jefferson put it: “If your not cheating, your not trying.”

All those pointing to some grand conspiracy featureing Jerry Jones and his billions of dollars that he is known to spend hilariously, can go put a sock in it. Jones isnt smart enough to not take a illegal phone call from Adrian Peterson in the presents of a ESPN reporter who is writing a feature on him, much less surreptitiously bribe a officiting crew. And Chris Christie has more experence making interference calls on overpasses then underpasses folks.

Now all that being said- the refs did miss a huge call- but no ones talking about it- Jerry Jones should of been flagged for excessive celebraton. Him and Chris Christie had a obvously choreographed touchdown dance that distracted from the on-field product. Its a real shame because no one will remember Jason Wittens goal line shovel pass, or Skoal Beasleys long-cut rebel hair getting snapped back like a mossy oak shirt. Were all just going to remember the two underdogs Jones and espcially Chris Christie bouncing around like he was being asked pointed questions about controversial issues. And just because your the owner dosent mean you dont have to own up for your own behavior.

Now On to the awards!

(Image via DEADspin)

This is right up there with the Doc Ellis LSD no hitter, Tim Tebow being a Christian in the NFL, and the 4 minuet mile as the most impressive sporting accomplishments of all time. If I poop myself even just a little bit I need like a hour in the bathroom to regain my composure and wait for my probaton officer to stop knocking on my door. This guy went out and literaly fought his guts out and scored a touchdown in a bowl game. You have to take your hat off to Adam Lane here if only to use it to waft away the fumes folks

Its not unusual for someone from Dallas to add a couple extra Gs here or there when putting on a jersey or discussing there salary with a stranger.

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

This weeks rating is: ELITE

Its offical- Joe Flacco is a better QB then Tom Brady. Tom brady never won 10 playoff games since 2008 but guess who did thats right- Joe Cool. We’re way passed the point of asking whether or not Joe Flacco is a Elite QB folks, we’ve moved on to wondering whether or not he might actually be the best athlete in United States history.

Flacco had a performance for the ages against his archrival Pittsburgh Steelers and responded as Flacco does- throwing a bunch of yards and no interceptions in the playoffs. You cant beat Flacco in winter it simply cant be done- he is the Russia of NFL quaterbacks.

Quick Flacco legend:

I have a anonymous source from the Universty of Delaware that tells me his buddy and Joe Flacco shared a couple nights of beer-drinking back in the late 2000s, and on one occasion Flacco was curled up in the backseat of a car blackout drunk screaming “more cowbell” (Anchorman reference) as they drove home. Thats why it make such perfect sense that Flacco showed up Live to perform on Saturday Night and sketching out a performence that has the Ravens fans turning into the “Blue Crab Cult” yet again.

Peyton Manning gets all the attenton for his acting chops in Papa Johns commericals, but people forget that he relys on a strong supporting cast with Papa John Murphy himself who’s a bit of a renowned comedic performer in his own right. Lets not forget that Joe Flacco is actually a better actor because he does it solo:

(Nationwide Voice): Pizza Hut you are Elite

Video from @hannahgre

1. Next weeks NFL games might be the best slate ever. In NE verse Baltimore youve got Tom Brady trying to take the crown back from the best QB in the game. In Denver youve got the Colts and Broncos in literally a matchup of horses- and I think we all rememer the last time Welker stumbled into a horse race he was dropping the pills and tripping balls- not a combination you want in the slot. Dallas at Green Bay is a “Ice Bowl Match Up” which from what I understand is slang term for the Seadderal Seahawks lighting there meth pipe. Just a tremendous week ahead of football.

2. The Carolina Panthers are looking like the old Hogs because there mowing through angry birds left and right. First they beat the Falcons, then the Cardnals, next up the Seahawks. If they beat any more Birds Bill Simmons is going to start calling them overrated as a defense mechanism- seen it a millon times.

3. Tyrann Matthieu has a bad atitutde. Last time I checked you have a QB son, his names Ryan Lindley and you didnt score enoug points on defense to make him good enough to win:

4. Andy Dalton just gets it. He found a way to work Rex Burkhead (a matchup nightmare) into the offense in the first half, but then lost all the momentun in the 2nd when Marvin Lewis left him out of the offense alltogether. Heres a stat for you- the Bengals have never lost a game when Rex Burkhead gets more then 20 touches on the football. Go ahead look it up.

5. Cam Newton is now the new spokesperson for Oikos yogurt which is ironic because as long as hes wearing outlandish suits like he did on Saturady, no one will ever say that Newton is too cultured. I guess the Greek Yogurt company wanted someone whose playing style was as strained as there product, in which case I have to admit-Cams your man. The name of the new product is being called “triple zero” because the yogurt has no added fat, sugar, or superbowl rings.

6. Offensive coordnators must call him Reggie Bush Light because apparently they can only stomach him out of a shotgun.

7. Hitler of the week goes to Doug Marrone out of Buffalo. You know who else “opted out” rather then deal with new ownership?

8. Its amazing watching Andrew Luck and Colby Fleener work with each other. They were college roommates at Standford so they allways know where the other guy is- whether it means on the football field, or if there trying to sneak in a little extra “film time” and they need to dorm room all to themselves.

9. The Lions realy inpressed me in the first half with that offense. They put together a 14 play 99.5 yard march down the feild that was the longest slowest drive in NFL history that didnt result in Jim Irsay spending the night in prison

10. Rams owner Stan Kroenke announced that hes building a NFL stadium in Inglewood California but who knows what hes planning on putting in it. He might just be another local busnessmanr building a ballfield for the local kids to go play on, but I guess alot of people are making the assumpton that hes planning on putting a NFL team in a NFL stadium- completely ignoring the fact that he would first need to buy a actual NFL team.

11. Jason Cambell has handed Marvin Lewis the rope, the stepstool and left the room- now its time for nature to take its course. If Lewis is fired that will be 6 coaches fired in 6 consecutive years for Cambell- the serial coach killer I’ve been tracking for years now- a feat that is unlikley to ever be topped.

11 A. Ron Riveras house burn down this morning. Foruntately everyone was ok, but police are scratching there heads trying to figure out who out there would have a motive, and knowledge of the exact temperature that it takes to burn down a structure made of concrete and steel:

Today in Rovell we begin with Daren making a innocent enough mistake by forgetting to specify bewtween years and seasons. NBD same thing happened to Persephone.

Ah but it goes both ways Darren:

Also, yesterday saw the tragic passing of longtime Sportcenter Anchor Stuart Scott. As someone who was late to school just about literaly every Monday because I thought I had time to walk to class after “Plays of the week” was over and before the top of the hour, I will admit that Stuart Scott played a large role in my upbringing. I enjoyed all the tribute’s and quotes from his friends, colleagues, and family, except for one. Darren made sure they credited him for the scoop that he got- a quote that Michael Jordans manager had on twitter:

The guy on the right said it must have been Mrs. Flacco who sent the question in and then I got about 50 notifications of people calling me retarded.Thanks to @BeastMammothFan for getting our friend’s from across the pond to weigh in on this.

Bonus Mailpail from reader Jason:

Saw Jerry Jones celebrating after that win last night. Unreal. Act like you’ve been there before

110% Agree in most circumstance’s, but to be fair to Jones a playoff win is something that has only happened to him a couple times in the past 6 years like a erection or a wedding.

Well thats it for this weeks MMBM folks I look forward to seeing you all on Saturday and Sunday again on line. I’ve got some more big stuff planned for later on this week BTW so stay tune and god bless.