An open letter from RG3’s future child

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

The Washington Quarterback turned 25 on Thursday, and he celebrated by making a big announcement:

Leave it to a guy like Griffin to make his birthday all about himself folks this guy’s unbelievable. Fortunately we were lucky enough to get in contact with the RGFetus to get his/her take on Griffins football acumen and impending fatherhood:

Dear Dad,

Its me, your child. The Robert Griffinfant. Im writing this letter to you from the inside of my moms stomach (by the way tell her to knock it off with all the broccoli lol!)

I wanted to write you because I love you but frankly Im a little concern that the only child you should be worrying about is the one in the mirror no offense. Youve allready got people who depend on you to let them down there called Redskins fans! Dont get me wrong Dad I think your going to be a great father but the most important thing in your life right now should be making sure that your playing sports good- in other words if I were you I’d be more concerned with finishing inside the red zone on the field- not in the bedroom. And while Im flattered by all the attenton youve shown me on social media recentley, even giving me my own hashtag “#BoyOrGirl,” but maybe you should be spending more time worrying about X’s and O’s then X’s and Y’s. Just my take dad. Your just going to confuse the average Redskins fan who porbably thinks chromosomes are a new kind of rim- no offense to the dimwits in the DMV.

And I know your used to sucking from the teet of your corporate sponsors, but its time to consult with a pediatrician instead of just having mommy drink neonatal vitamin flavored gatorade all day. Its just gross espcially considering the first words I ever heard during concepton were “Is it in you?”

Some of the fellas around the womb have been putting wierd thoughts into my head and asking me if your just having a army of kids so that you have a neverending supply of replacement parts. While on one hand I respect your ingenuty in creating the worlds first MCL farm, on the other hand- wait my other hand hasnt developed yet lol Im a fetus!

Also Dad, please dont let mommy give birth to me in a bathtub or like in a room full of chrystals surrounded by prescient sealife or whatever. I know your a big proponent of having unorthodox deliverys but Id also like to remind you that hospitals can be good places despite your personal history. Also, dont believe Dr James Andrews when he tells you hes a OBGYN. Hastily sewing up an ACL is one thing, but well lets just say I woudnt trust him near a perrenium specially if Im as awkward at sliding as you.

Right now Im pretty much operating out of a gimmick uterus in a system that will coddle me instead of preparing me for the next level playing with the big boys but Im still hopeful. The diffrence between me and you is its looking like it will take me only 9 months to develop and they’ll be ready to cut the cord. You know they say that parents allways want a easier life for their kids then the one they had themselves so Im thinking maybe you can get me signed up for soccer.

Yessir dad we’re going to be thick as thieves. Me and you are going to make the Shanahans look like they have a healthy relatonship. And I bet your going to be glad to have someone who calls you “Pops” out of love and not just because of the sound your knee makes. Im so happy to get to meet you but dont let me take your focus away from what really matters- football. Youve got a pretty bad track record in terms of letting family become a distraction given your Dads presence in the lockeroom and also the fact that you keep losing your job to Cousins, Dad.

In the meantime Im going to try and keep my head down in preparaton for my own birth. You might feel a little overwhelmed at times since there is no playbook for being a father but its not like youd read it anyways!

Just kidding,

RG4