Meet the sleeker, faster, redesigned 2015 NFL Draft prospect

In an auditorium with walls draped with lily white curtains, a man dressed in minimalist corporate dress walks towards center stage, stops at his microphone. He smiles, for he is the keeper of knowledge that the world is clamoring for. Those in the auditorium are stand-ins for the multitudes. The silence is awkward, but on whose end? He smiles because of the great deed he is about to perform. Or to enjoy his last moments of absolute power. Everyone wonders, including himself: Is he malevolent? And does it matter?

He speaks.

The march of humanity.

Mankind is ever-evolving, or that’s the idea at least.

Laughter.

But mankind is never certainly better or worse for the wear, at least not by every measure. And there is no single measure of bad or good in this universe or any other, ladies and gentlemen.

No, the world is becoming different. That is all we can say for certain.

A palpable hush sweeps the auditorium.

No year is ever the same. When the calendar changes we simply have to take stock of the new terms by which we all abide, or decide that something has become bad enough by our own definition that it’s worth leaving.

But that’s our own choice, and it cannot impede evolution. The world we know is changing, and so are the sports we enjoy. Change must happen, and choosing not to embrace it is choosing obsolescence -- because though change is not inherently bad, the past is inherently old.

Murmurs. The crowd feels the presence of the impending moment.

Ladies and gentleman, meet the future. Meet the new class of NFL rookie:

The average 2015 rookie is more explosive than anything you’ve ever seen before, without sacrificing long-term speed. Since proper record-keeping began in 1999, no rookie class has performed as well in the broad jump at the NFL Scouting Combine. A median jump of 117 inches ties the class of 2013 for the most ever, and an average of 115.09 inches is second all-time -- nearly four inches better per man than the Class of 1999.

Several “Wows” spring up throughout the crowd.

But that’s not all -- the 2015 average and median vertical jump each rank second all-time, and the class’ median shuttle time is tied for fourth. This prospect can move, folks. And he’s no pony. The average 2015 prospect still has the legs to go the distance, with a median 40-yard dash time of 4.655 seconds -- that’s faster than any combine class since 2011!

The crowds erupts in cheers, on cue. Attendees stand. This is their moment of recognition that, yes, they will get everything they wished for. There is no failure in their lives, for a moment.

Now you must be wondering how we did it. (They aren’t.) Well, the 2015 prospect is smaller.

The crowd is silent. Is this a good thing?

This is a good thing. Gone is that wasteful bulk. Gone are the days when the average combine prospect could put up a 225-pound barbell more than 22 times. Who needs that? The times have changed once again, my friends.

There is no need for raw power anymore. You can’t knock flat what you can’t catch. The prototypical 2015 rookie is faster, sleeker, trading unnecessary power for more of everything you truly love. Explosion! Action! Sizzle! Fizzle! Vworp! Pow! Kaboom! ...

Frenzy spreads with each passing superlative. The crowd is out of its seats. It’s MOVING. It’s whirling, mixing, twirling, even undulating. This is what happiness looks like, he thinks. He decides now, no, he isn’t malevolent.

... Blorp!

Now, I know there may be a few of you who miss the bulk. A median weight of 231.5 pounds makes this the second-lightest class since 1999 -- nearly 17 pounds lighter than the median of the monstrous 2003 combine class. But consider this -- the AVERAGE weight of the class comes in at a significant 245.5 pounds. By average, this is still the heftiest class since 2009. It may have less beef, but it makes up for it in quality. Standard in the Class of 2015 will be 355-pound Trenton Brown, 353-pound Tayo Fabuluje and others to ensure that your explosive new athletes have plenty of room to work.

Nodding approval from the crowd. Yes! Of course! This is how it should have been. This is now how it will always be. The course of the universe has shifted.

My friends, the march of time waits for no man, it’s true. But the inverse can be true, as well. Why should man wait for time? Why let the eons take care of what we are capable of doing ourselves? We have defeated time before it even knew it was in a battle. We’ll have to wait to reap our spoils. Just know that you’ll get your share if you join the winning side.

Bless us all.

The crowd instantly vaporizes and falls into a hush even more palpable than before.