MMBM: Sports analytics just don’t add up, folks

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

The Sloan Sports Confrence took place up in Boston over the weekend where nerds got together to talk about how they could be better a sports then all the jocks if they got the chance to use math. Well guess what,, besides kickers- when was the last time a nerd won a Superbowl? Its literally never happened.

There needs to be a anti-sloan conference where people can present there latest studies and research into why math and science is bullshit. The Mission Statement would be to write papers on hustle and grit and stuff that the common guy in a bar could understand... beer-reviewed is more important then peer reviewed folks. To get in you have to tell a story about a time when you played the game and boxed someone out or pretended not to have a concusson to help your team win- things that dont show up in the box score. If your going to put all this stock in what smart people say you have to listen to dumb people too.

No coincidence that “Logic” starts with a “L” and “Winning” starts with a “W.” If these geek-ass bookworms like Jim Harbaugh and Robert Kraft put down there math book and opened up there history books once and a blue moon, maybe they could see why numbers are actually bad.

People forget that math was basicaly invented under the Abassid Caliphate and is therefore literaly Sharia Law. No thanks. Do we want a MLB where players get there hands cut off for stealing or a NFL where a player besides Josh Gordon can be literaly stoned to death? Also if your in a front office why would you ever want to discgourage a player from taking a paycut and thereby denying the importance of the prophet? Talk about doesnt add up.

The founding fathers based this nation off of uniquely American ideals like life, liberty and the pursuit of property- and our national pasttimes of sports dont have any use for math-missionaries. Kind of ironic that all the only number that I think of when I hear this analytics talk is the number two.

Getting rid of numbers would be addition by subtraction and make sports exponentally better. Maybe youd finally have fans who are more educated about the tuck rule than the slide rule.

All these advance stats and metrics number-plumbers remind us that we live in a country that will go out of our way to adaopt to anything related to a metric system. I like my units of measurement to be nouns on there own rights folks- things a common man can understand like yards, feet and sticktoitiveness. Meter? Hell I hardley even know her!

Now Im not saying that theres no place whatsoever for numbers in sports. Metrics can be useful to a GM as one of many tools like cocaine and lying. Here are the stats I would use:

-Would you let your daughter date them?

-Number of times they say “um” per press conference

Anything else is just noise.

Speaking of analystics, the Toronto Blue Jays Marcus Stroman might only measure 5-9 but hes a 9-5 working class hero folks. The pitcher trademarked the phrase “height dosen’t measure heart” which is not only true sciecifically, but also a big fuck you to do this on the weekend where Sloan was trying to figure out a way to measure a athletes soul.

Heres a memo to all the stat geeks- the only circumfrence that matters is ring size.

Now on to the weekly awards

You have to respect that type arrogance of a franchise that looks at a starting quaterback who just got cut by the worst team in football and immediatly gives him a multi-year deal. Folks I read a novel about a abusive billonaire that got a perverse sexual thrill out of toruturing the people who loved him the most,, but it was actualy about Jimmy Haslam and the citizens of Cleveland and it turns out there are about 50 shades of orange that he can use as a new logo to keep the fans in the dark while he whips them with a riding crop.

Rob Ford is selling his NFL tie on Ebay. It is a absolute bargain at $15,000 Canadian or 20,000 issues of sports illustrated or whatever I forget how exchange rates work. The money will go towards probably helping Rob Ford buy drugs and then doing hilarous things that will make us all laugh so you could probably write this off as a medical expense since laughter is the best medcine. Anyways this piece of NFL nostalgia is the tie he wore while admitting he smoked crack so if your a fan of ties or just Donovan McNabb make sure to get your bid in by Wednesday.

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

Joe needs some help naming his mixtape folks lets try and help him out:

Some suggestons right off the bat:

-All Eyebrowz On Me

-Notorious MVP

-Joe Money Joe Problems

Lets down to brass tacks here folks this is troubling. I always assumed that Flaccos not a mixtape guy hes a studytape type guy. But the more I think about it the more I realize that going back to 2012 when the Ravens let him into his last year of his contract without a extension hes had a get rich or die tryin mentalty- and hes not 50 Cent hes 50 million guarenteed. And folks I want a guy thinks hes Q-B not Q-Tip.

This weeks rating is: Hes a disgrace!

1. Going from QBs who try too hard to be Outkast to a QB who seems to go out of his way to be InCast folks. We all knew that RG3 woud one day have his own chapter in physicians desk reference but I didnt know he would become medical canon so quickly. His cast from his dislocated ankle was purchased by a podiatrist who put it on display in his clinic. The cast was signed by every member of the Redskins making it worth literaly zero dollars. The man paid $1,522 for the cast which puts it in 54th place behind every current contract in the race for the most overpriced thing signed by every member of the Redskins.

2. Well JJ Watts Cabin in the Woods is more like a Big House on the Praire folks. The mansion cost him over $800,000 and has 4 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms- not exactly the secluded traning facility we had all hoped for.

(Photo via TMZ)

What do you need all those windows for any ways if character is who you are when no one is watching? Lets just say JJ Watzi’s definiton of what constutes a “minimalistic” training enviroment is quite different from what you or I think. By the way you know another person who ddnt suceed at his early passion of being a minimalist? Thats right you guessed it- Hitler.

3. All anyones talking about is whats on this Dez Bryant video. Hes supposely in a WalMart parking lot doing something nasty like asking for directions to Boston Market. The story behind this videotape has been more about the media battle over trying to get access to it. The video itself may exist or maybe it dosent, but the fact that Roger Goodell hasnt said or done anythin about it makes me think its worse then you can imagine.

There was a police report from the day in queston where Dallas area cops showed up and decided no charges needed to be filed. The debate over what this means escalated to the point where heavy hitters Mike Florio (lawyer) and Clarence Hill (reporterguy who tweets to much) got into a twitter spat:

4. Folks Ive heard of homefield advantage but this is more like Homeland Advantage. Underdog sports conglomerate AEG is basicaly acting like Claire Danes and freaking out over the potental for a terriorist attack in a stadium thats not even built yet. Pretty clear IMO that the Raiders are off their meds and delusonal but that doesnt mean that there wrong. Shows a real Great example of a “us against the world” mentalty by the Raiders here that made them so successful back in the 70s. So AEG had former secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge put together a report saying that the proposed site for the Rams would be a target for terrorists and create a possiblty of a “twofer” attack.

While crashing a plane into a football field would be devestating it would also scare away the casual fan. Only diehard NFL audences would attend a game knowing full well that they could take a 767 to the chin at any moment. Cunning strategy by Goodell to foster brand engagement in my opinion.

5. Today in the pussfication of America- the NFL is considering banning the chop block despite the fact that it saves more lifes then it hurts. A chop block is like a gun- better to be allowed to do a chop block and not need to then it is to need to do a chop block and not be allowed to. As a kind’ve undersized TE and FB thats basically all I did was chop block and I turned out fine.

For the idiots- a chop block is when a offensive player is blocking a defensive guy up high and then he calls his buddy over to take there knees out by diving at them- a perfectly clean play. Id like to be the first to remind you all that the French havent won a war since they got rid of the chopping block- is that where we want the directon of our NFL to go? Not me.

6. The Browns made some major moves in free agency by singing 35-year old Josh McCown to a 3 year contract. The Cleveland Clowns must be one of those analystics types, because McCowns career YPA is basicaly 3.14 you talk about a pi in the face folks.

7. Speaking of pie in the face, Rob Gronkowiski is in Las Vegas and hes spiking cakes on his brothers heads.

It should be illegal to make a duplicate of the Lombardi trophy just like it is to take a picture of money or a postage stamp. If you let players start making there own out of food next thing you know Papa Johns going to have a Lombardi Trofeed special and Peyton Mannings going to be walking around thinking hes Joe Montana instead of Trent Dilfer. So have your fun Rob but stick to spiking your own drinks instead of spiking your own food.

8. Heres how not to go into free agency- Packers CB Jarret Bush was arrested for public intoxicaton over the weekend. I can see how this might of been confusing given that public intoxicaton is basicaly a national pastime in Lambeau, but when was the last time a Bush caught a break in this country?

9. The NFL Salary Cap is set at $143,000,000 millon dollars or a half dozen monster cables.

10. Ndamukong Smh is going to hit the free market. I guess if you want to get technical with it hes going to stomp on the free markets leg while the refs turn there back. The arrival of free agency means its allmost the time of year when every Agent links there player to the Redskins in hope of artifically driving up the price and adding a sense of urgency its like when your dealer calls you up and says he’ll be right over but first hes stopping by Kenny Britts house.

Rovell quoting Mitch Albom is like Jenny McCarthy quoting Joseph Goebbels

If Lynch thinks hes able to trademark a phrase explaning that your only doing the bare minimum that your job requires I hope hes prepared for a protracted legal battle again Rick Reilly folks.

Reader Dano writes in with some great infromation on the Aaron Hernandez case:

In doing research for the Aaron Hernandez murder trial I came across this interesting little tidbit. North Attleboro where Aaron Hernandez lived is a part of the Bridgewater Triangle. It is a part in Southern Mass where UFO’s, yeti’s, ghosts, and other supernatural thing have happened.

And hes 100% right. The Bridgewater triangle is like the central Masschusettes version of the Bermuda triangle. It could provide a interesting legal defense for the Hernandez camp to pin the murder on Bigfoot. If his lawyer can point out that many have seen a big hairy dumb monster with no Superbowl rings lurking around those very same woods the jury could be conviced of a alternate theory involving Patriots consultant Greg Schiano.