The NFL Draft must be abolished

Goes both ways. We let PFT Commenter run a reader submission, which is apparently the thing to do now. This is a hot take from a different side of the isle, from Gregory Fox. This too is SATIRE, with better spelling and plenty of telling. -Ed.

Two weeks from now, our nation’s preeminent collegiate football talents will gather in downtown Chicago and participate in an event that has become nothing more than a relic of a stone-age caveman mindset: the 2015 NFL Draft. The draft represents everything that’s backwards in today’s hyper-competitive world, and needs to be replaced with a more inclusive, progressive option that matches the values that our society should strive for.

The notion of “drafting” players is problematic for many reasons. Not to jump straight into a history lesson, but you know who else used to separate the stronger, more physically capable young men from the rest and reward them with years of manual labor? Adolf Hitler.

Aside from the obvious links to left-wing fascism, the draft seems to exist as only an exhibition in weak-shaming the less talented players, and revisiting trauma on those of us who were bullied into losing games by better teams during youth sports.

Ask any man, there are two smells they never forget: the floral aroma of his mother’s wet-nursing robe and that of his fifth-grade gymnasium. For most observers, the NFL Draft hearkens back to the synthetic, lacquer-coated (likely carcinogenic) floors of my elementary school’s gym class. I recall watching as the more popular, fitter boys and girls were picked first, leaving me odd-man-out with no recourse or kinship. I felt almost as if they were inspecting my gums or measuring my penis to come to the conclusion that I was not fit to represent their idea of a dodgeball teammate. And when most of us tune into the draft or hear people talk about the draft in such a micro-aggressive way, this is all we can think of.

When we virtually line players up in the order of talent from greatest to weakest, we need to consider the message that sends to those millions of households watching who lack the courage to not have a television. When we drug-shame, and sexual-assault-shame players under the guise of “character issues,” all we’re teaching our children is that it’s not ok to have faults.

People forget that the standard perception of physical prowess is as transitive and fleeting as most NFL careers. One simply need recall Michelangelo’s “David,” who, despite his petite portions, narrow shoulders, and more realistic groin, is a more correct symbol of beauty than the over-muscled hulking giant linebackers that roam about the modern NFL. The fact that the modern general manager prefers to judge a player based on a preference for bigger, stronger players shows a real lack of understanding of history. It also explains why the NFL is heading towards extinction because they draft players so big and strong that they injure one another instead of building a communal trust around organized sport as in European football (soccer...sigh).

In an era where most sports bloggers understand the game and its complexities and nuances more than most players, we must remind the lauded athlete of what is actually best for them. From a young age they are taught that they are better at sports just because they’re more talented than their peers. Grown men posing as scouts fly from town to town to lure them to college with promises of fanfare not promised to other students. Throughout their college careers these children are subjected to strenuous workouts and rude coaches, neither of which is necessary to attract a mate in most phylums of nature. Then they benefit by using their increased physiques to be more desirable to coeds who would otherwise accept a date invitation from a more studious classmate.

And then there are the drug tests. I myself have dabbled in drugs. I can recall smoking so much marijuana one time I believe that I passed out. Not my finest moment, but one that has given me more insight into the dynamics of inner-city drug culture than many of my peers.

Of course, this is all emblematic of the larger problems the league has. Most of America cares less about what happens on the field than the biting commentary that our Jon Stewarts and Bill Mahers deliver on a nightly basis. I don’t mean this literally, but it was almost worth it that the Ray Rice incident happened just to hear the eviscerations dealt to Roger Goodell and Co. by our late night champions and moral compasses.

As a simple alternative to the draft, teams may draw lots to determine which player is added. Then, the player can decide if they are comfortable in joining that roster. The selection process could be open to all those who wish to participate in good faith, and it would take the ugliness out of what has become a modern-day slave trade, not to be hyperbolic. I believe that this is a much fairer way than the draft and a device that is much more consistent with the tenets of our inclusive society.

Ergo, at its best, the televised NFL Draft is hurtful to millions of viewers who only see the event as a reminder of a society that refuses to laud its less fortunate. At its worst, it’s a gluttonous orgy of ableism, and until we change it those of us who are labeled as less-athletic are stuck with sloppy seconds.

Gregory Fox is a former top commenter on the Mother Jones forums, and a sportswriter. He is a fan of sportsmanship and inclusion.

SB Nation presents: We will pay an NFL team $1,000 to make a selection