MMBM: Greg Hardy and the no-good terrible, very bad week

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

The Dallas Metroplex is literally buzzing folks. The NFL is better when the Cowboys are a dominant team- that’s a fact. Coming off a season that suprised many as the Cowboys captured the NFC East title and cheated there way to the second round of the playoffs, expectations are high in North Texas. The Boys were looking forward to a season where they could put the Michael Sam experiment firmly in the rear-view mirror while moving forward with a distraction-free rotation of Josh Brent and Greg Hardy shoring up their D-Line.

But the honeymoon is allready over for Greg Hardy, and you have to just wonder how much more unlucky can one guy get? Now I’m not here to make excuses, in fact I think Roger Goodell got it right on his 10-game supsension. It was absolutley disgusting what he did. The league should have zero tolerents for careless gun ownership leaving them lying around the house like they’re toys. someone could of gotten hurt.

But for a society that allways tells me about victims rights, I have to ask: Isn’t technically Greg Hardy a victim of being the culprit? If theres one thing we learn from Schindlers List its that bad guys have feelings to. Heck, even Hardys own teamate Davon Coleman got into a fight with him on his first day of conditioning drills at AT&T stadium. Allways known as the flashiest of the NFL teams, the Cowboys are now the only team to have a player whose been accused of domestic violence and also a state-of-the-art retractable domestic violence.

I think for every bad thing that happens to Hardy the league should reduce his supsension by one game, because yes he made a mistake, but also he is a good football player.

Then after kind of losing his job and getting into a fight with his new friend, Greg got into a car accident. As if matters couldnt get any worse, Greg decided to drive his Bentley directly into 2 feet of water for some reason and got it stuck.

Police are waiting to hear what his car did to provoke the flash flood, but its clear that blaming Greg Hardy for his own actons makes about as much sense as blaming the sun for shining, or blaming me for spreading STDs when I wouldnt buy health insurance out of principal.

Just my take, folks.

Now on to the weekly awards:

Tommy Terrific decided to skip last weeks White House ceremony in favor of more Patriotic activity’s, like sleeping with his German wife. Now you might say to me “hey Wayne, Tom Bradys a registered independent who literally hasnt voted in any electon in his entire life,” and youd technically be right. But Brady also knows all about the optics of a situation, and Obama is a toxic President. For example, Brady had no problem being a guest of honor at George Bushes state of the Union address:

(pic via the smoking gun)

It takes alot of balls to say no to a guy who is in charge of a bunch of hovering killbots armed with missels that can take you out in a instant, but it actually seems easy compared to working for Belichick I bet.

Absolutely LOVE this guy. Rugby players think there so tough playing a sport with all those clothes on provided extra padding, well this fan remembers what rugby use to be like back in the day before it became a sport for wimps. Unfortunately he paid the price for sneaking on the the field as he was met by flanker Chris Hala’ufia.

(Getty images)

I think Roger Goodell needs to take a look at this situation and see how we can leverage it for NFL fans. If this exact same situaton had happened at a Browns-Steelers game, the fan would of been taken to jail and Hala’ufia would of been suspended for a helmet-to-helmet hit.

Right now, the NFL is struggling to attract people to games because fans would rather sit at home where the average fan has access to fighting whoever he wants in his own house with little to no consequence, and also a world of porn at there fingertips. Allowing 100% nude fans into games would be a huge innovation for the league. It would disrupt the status quo in a exciting way, and it would encourage the type of gameday atmosphere that American sports have been missing in todays society where lawsuits have become more popular then birthday suits. Really shows you how far weve come in America when the country that we fought for are independence from is a freer country than we are.

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

I was doing a bit of research on the worlds most controveral quarterback when I came across some facts about his new boss that I hadnt realized yet. Mark (you have to earn your “C” around here) Trestman passed the bar exam. I dont know about you all but I want my Offensive Coordinator more familiar with a Pro Set then a Pro Se.

According to the Baltimore sun, Flacco seems to be trusting his new snake oil salesmen a little bit too much:

“I think he’s running the meetings well. I think he’s doing some really good things. We’re evolving a little bit. I think he’s going to be a good fit.”

One of the biggest things you have to learn in the NFL in order to be considered a Elite QB is when your being lied to, and Flacco clearley hasnt mastered that skill. I would take Gary Kubiak after 6 more strokes then Marc Trestman with a resting heart rate of 29. In my opinoin the last thing a QB with a browline like Flacco needs is to be forced to evolve. Just give him the rock, a torch, and a loincloth and let him go hunting for dinner.

This week’s rating is: semi-elite

1. Its a copycat league. The Seahawks had enjoyed enourmous success from a runfirst quaterback who is a outspoken Christian and not married, so thats probably why Chip brought in Tebow.

But the NFL is sending mix messages to the players when instead they should be teaching abstinence only to there quaterbacks. On one hand youve got your Tim Tebows and on the other you have a Colin Kaepernick who spent more time in the pink zone then the red zone last year. Since premarital sex is still technicaly illegal in many states, arent all these “leaders” actually just advocating breaking the law unless they make a strong stance that sex isnt good until your married, at which point it is very good? Kind of ironic that the QB whose known for tucking the ball after his first read is literaly a one-pump chump.

2. The Smithsonian just had to have panda semen flown in directly from China because our Pandas wont have sex to each other. Just like in every other facet of life, the Chinese are kicking our butts do to Obama’s Marxist econimic policies. Here’s the semen making the voyage:

This is why the USA needs Donald Trump as President, so we can finally get tough on the China semen deficit. Crazy how China traded us a couple bears who in theory should be good together but when it comes down to it they just coudnt produce.

3. JJ Watt went to the Rockets Mavericks game and celebrated Houstons win by dancing

This just grosses me out. Ironic that hes a rockets fan because it looks like he cares more about dancing with the stars then going toe-to-toe with the cowboys. Cant say Im suprised. This is the natural evolution of a diva. First he starts catching touchdowns, then he starts doing these celebraton dances, next thing you know hes going to fire his agent and hire Master P and record rap skits with Birdman and we’ll all be asking “what happen to that boy?” You NEVER let your star defense player get a taste for offense, once you go YAC you never go back.

Cheering for Houston vs Dallas is like cheering for Jack Ruby vs Lee Harvey Oswald. Sure, they probly had it coming to them, and if the rockets didnt do it someone else would of. Also- they never found JFKs brain just something to think about. Speaking of a guy who went from Texas to Washington DC without a brain...

His unofficial motto will remain: “Owwwwwwwwww!”

5. Serously though folks, RG3s new slogan is literally plagerism of “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Kind of ironic that he stole his new motto from Teddy Roosevelt despite the fact that he’ll end the season looking more like Franklin.

6. Joe Flacco showed tremendous poise even as a rookie in thiis commercial:

(via @RusselStreetReport)

7. Former Minnsocialist Vikings punter Chris Cooley had some comments about his former teammate Adrian Peterson and how AP has handled the adversty of coming back from beating his 3-year old.

Isnt this just classic Cooley here? Tolerence is a two-way street Chris. You cant go around crusading for the rights of gay people to get married out of one side of your mouth and then get all judgy on folks who beat up there children. If you want to be tolerant of one thing that means that you need to be tolerent of other things or else its a hypocrit.

8. Baseball seasons underway and let me just say I LOVE innerleague play but I dont love the designated hitter. Every single day I literally do half of the job of a DH and I dont get paid for it. The DH is just a way of making sure that even folks who arent good at there job can still find work.

9. Starwood preferred traveler note of the week: Southwest airlines is the tried and true bluecollar airline, theres no look-at-me reserved seating- your only as good as your boarding zone says you are. Plus the last two times I flown Southwest they keep serving me drinks and dont make me pay for them. On one flight the stewardess offer me a 3rd whiskey and coke and I declined (because I am a idiot) and she literaly called me a “pussy” so I said ok, and drank another. Outstanding service- they have a customer for life.

10. The Washington Redskins are offering a prize of a millon dollars to anyone who can correctly guess all 32 1st round draft picks in there correct order. This is whats known as “crowdsourcing” folks. Washington has had somewhat of a black eye when it comes to public percepton about their drafting skills, so this wouldnt suprise me in the least if it was just a ploy to get a good idea about what NFL fans think is the correct order so they dont end up embarassing themselves.

Its a brillant move of PR. The Washington Redskins offering a prize to guess the order of a draft is like a young Hitler offering a million dollars if you could draw a map of what Berlin will look like in 1947.

11. Every once in a while you run across a soccer fan with such natural talent that they could make the transiton to the NFL.

So sick of other countries telling us how much better there soccer fans are than ours. If this guy grew up in the USA there’s no chance he wouldnt be a Steelers fan that’s a fact. And Until America starts putting are best fans like Masturbino on tracks to become futbol fans at a early age (never gonna happen) we will continue to be dominated by lesser, weirder countries as fans when it comes to soccer.

Reader Lil’ Snaglito Rome points out that MLBs Giants arent the only ones who win a champonship in patterns:

ProFootballTalk is reporting the Giants and Eli Manning are not talking; is this because they want him to prove his “every 4 year grit?” (Won the Super Bowl the 2007 & 2011 season, 2015 will PROVE his scheduled Grit.)

This is a good point Snaglito, Tom Coughlin is probably the most regular coach in football so its no suprise his Giants win a Superbowl everytime he has a bowel movement. Basicaly Coughlin has to stock his roster with roughage to clear out all the toxins every so often, and last year wasnt so much a Fiber One year as it was a Fiber Lose year. So while the crosstown New Age Jets went out and got themselves a Willie Colonic, Coughlins just been stocking the fridge with old fashion prune juice, purple-collar guys like Henry Hynoski- who isnt so much a Road Grader as he is a dumptruck filled with fertilizer: he kind of stinks, but hes also quite explosive. Consistency is key in the NFL, and winning one Superbowl every 5 years is actually the perfect frequency to make sure that your still relevant, but not necessarily showing off and getting your ego bigger than your sphincter.