MMBM: Marcus Mariota’s draft dodging makes him a modern day Jane Fonda

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Marcus Mariota became just the latest in a string of players to decide that they were going to literaly skip there first day of work. 90% of life is just showing up- your job, sex, trespassing arraignments, you name it- all you really need to do is show up and youll be fine. But Mariotas working on Hawaiin time and this is a day that will live in infamy.

He says its important for “cultural” and “family” reasons to skip his first day of work because hed rather have a cocktail then a playbook in his hand. I dont know what that says about your culture if its more importent to you to be with your family in a tropical paradise eating home-cooked food then it is to hug Roger Goodell but you can count me out folks.

The rule should be that if your not at the draft you can be charged with evasion. Maybe Mariotas just another chicken whose claming conscience objector status to being drafted into the Redskins, and I want a guy who cares more about lighting the league on fire then pulling a buddhist monk/Dion Jordan situation where he flames out for attention.

Maybe Mariota wants to be closer to his comfort-zone in Oregon then Chicago. Maybe hes been listening to too much Toby Keith and thinking, “Go West, young man” which is ironic because with a atitude like this, Mariottas going to end up in a bar unemployed somewhere telling a sob story about how he should of been a Cowboy.

Of course its not like NFL scouts would ever let this attidude sneak passed them. The NFL has probably the best background check system of any proffessional sports league. Earlier this week Marc Dominic told Colin Cowerd that he had one of his scouts hang out in a Stillwater, Oklahoma bar for a week nonstop just to see how often Justin Blackmon came in. There have always been whispers about this type stuff like when Jim Irsay and Ryan Grigson had one of there top personell guys hang out in a Waco emergency room for a few days to see how many punches RG3 got on his hospital loyalty card, or when Jeff Ireland sent the entire Dolphins scouting team to the Bunny Ranch for a week and a half to gather intel on the family life of several would be prospects.

Now the Youtube mafia is out telling me to watch the film on Marcus and literaly forget all these off-the-field issues like abandoning your future team to go drink mai-tais. Well just because you watch porn dosent mean your qualified to raise a child folks. How can you trust a guy like that ? If he takes you to the Superbowl is he going to hop a 737 back to Waikiki because its important to be with his family for the game or is he going to actually PLAY? The fact that hes high-tailing it back home to hang ten with his surfer bros tells me this son of a beach is sending a red flag warning.

Now on to the weekly awards:

I’m awarding the Badgers the Road Grader award because they are the most NFL college basketball team out there and I hope they win tonight verse Emeka Okafor and the Puke Blew Evils. Despite not having a single player that can palm a ball with his dick theyve managed to grit there way to the final four looking like a starting lineup youd more expect to see catching balls from Tom Bray then on the hardwood. The very fact that as a one seed, they would be considered a underdog story is perhaps the biggest under dog story of them all.

Whats underdog? Not much, whats underdog with you?

Now Ive said in the past that these guys are almost too lunchpail to the point where there a little bit flashy but thats ok. Despite having a entire team filled with guys who look more like they should be doing your taxes or serving in a elected positon in the United States Senate than playing in the final four, they managed to trounce the evil empire that is Kentucky.

One item that deserves to be explored is how much Kentucky basketball is one big entitlement program. These kids are getting FREE scholarships and majoring in dunking and getting flown all cross the country at the expense of the taxpayer even though the players know full well there never going to get a degree. As a result the invest ment in these kids is going straight down the toilet since they leave after one year, never graduate, and therefor will never be able to earn very much money, technically.

They got exposed as frauds on the court to on Saturday night as the lunch-hungry Badgers came out there and played like a team thats at the end result of a well organized 4-year plan, not some ally-oop drawn up in the dirt after smoking blunts in your buddys basement. Watching them play is a absolute treat even for a guy who doesnt care for too much basketball. More like the Wisconsin GOODgers folks.

In one or two words, a reporter said, how would you want Arizona’s starters to describe you?

“Resilent” and “disciplined,” replied two of the players. “Unselfish” and “tough,” answered two others.

Then came Kaminsky. “White guys,” he deadpanned.

I have a full take coming tomrow about Sarah Thomas getting to be a referee in the NFL despite the fact that there haven’t been any female refs before, but lets face it- its going to be tough to best these takes:

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

This week Joe Flaccos in the news on account of his contract is going to double after the 2015 season. Hes going to make about 14 millon this year which I guess would be fine if most of that money didnt go directly towards financing the war on success in the United States. But next year it jumps to $28 millon dollars which is alot of money to pay to someone whose Eliteness is, as of yet, very much still a hot topic for debate.

Mike Florio, italian-american lawyer from ProFootballTalk and leader and founder of the strongtakes guild of north america, seculates that theres a chance the Ravens might “cut Flacco loose” after this season rather then pay him the $28 million.

Well were finally going to get to see just how much of a team player Flacco really is.

In todays Kardashian obessed world where players are more concern with back-loading their side-pieces then their contracts, Flacco has a important choice to make here: should I accept the $28 million, or should I, instead, get paid less money then $28 million? From the opinon of someone who is not under contract to make $28 million dollars, I think he should take a pay cut.

The fact that Flacco put his team on a direct collison course with a Iceberg back in 2012 when he selfishly won the SUperbowl, essentially holding the Ravens future success ransom, tells me that maybe he was never Elite to begin with. Maybe this was all a big ruse and Flaccos whole mission was to turn the Ravens into Edgar Allen Poor.

This weeks rating is: Hes a bum

1. Headlines just dont get any better then this, folks:

2. Andrew Harrison used a disparaging racial slur towards Frank Kominsky and I for one am outraged. After the natonal semi-final game where Wisconsin gritted and blue-collared out a tough & smart win vs. the immature Kentucky CHILDcats led by John Calipari. Kentucky standout Andrew Harrison was asked a question about Badger forward and future fashion model Frank Kaminsky. Harrisons remarks? “Man fuck that N****.” SMH times a million.

Maybe Harrison needs to open a history book or at leased have John Calipari pay a smarter student open one for him. Dosent he know the long history behind why that words offensive? For the past 40 years in this country, the N-word has come to be synonmous with brutal discrimination against White people, who arent allowed to say it, not even when singing along to a rap song or trying to fight security guards. It has been used as a tool of racial oppresson to make my people left out over not being able to use that word, like we’re not cool enough or something. Theres nothing I cant stand more then this type of ignorance.

3. The Matt Borland-ification of America continues folks. First it started in football now it continues to video games:

Matthew Haag, better known in the gaming world as top Call of Duty competitive player “Nadeshot,” is stepping away from the game and taking on more of a backseat role at his squad, Optic Gaming.

“Basically, I am going to be taking a break from competitive Call of Duty. A leave of absence, if you will,” he explains in the video posted above.

He was the number-1 ranked Call of Duty player in the worl;d and now hes worried about concussons probably or whatever and stepping away from the game. As someone who never return a video game on time to blockbuster or gamestop, I literaly pay his salary, and hes quitting on me, his teammates, and also all the solders out there that get 90% of there training these days from watching competitive gamers. Thats why I never served in the arm forces, I felt I could do more to support my country at home, playing Halo and letting military guys study my techniques on youtube. Wheres my parade though?

(h/t Stephen)

4. Such a take.

The great thing about a tragic aviaton suicide is that it works in political cartoon format so well, and you can use the analogy for literally anything that you think is bad. I want to make a verson of this where its Dan Snyder banging on the door of the team plane and RG3 has locked the cockpit and when you look out the window you can see Dr James Andrews office on the mountain.

5. Darren Shraper is going to make his first appearence in a New Orleans federal court this afternoon for drugging about a dozen women with Valium and Xanax. Shraper is somehow getting only 9 years in prison leading many to think hes providing lots of informaton about a vast criminal network to police, aka providing them with copys of the CBA.

6. Peter King might be the best intervewer of this, or any other generaton. From today’s MMQB he intervews green-beret University of Texas Longsnapper Nate Boyer about his time spent in Afghanistan, and basicaly conducts it like a wasted 21-year old at 4 AM partying with his Marine buddy he hasnt seen since graduaton.

One day, in a firefight with some Taliban forces, the captain of the Afghan forces, fighting next to Boyer was shot in the throat and died. That battle is when the bullet came three inches from Boyer’s face. He actually had the presence of mind to tell me it was better him in such danger than a peer with a family. “I’m not married, and I don’t have any children.” he said. “Better to have me there.”

“How many people did you kill?” I asked.

“I’m not going to answer that,” Boyer said, after a pause.

You know if NFL GMs had had the type of courage Peter displays here back in 2010, maybe we wouldn’t of had this whole Aaron Hernandez situation to deal with. You have to take your hat of to Peter for at least trying here.

Waiter sat me down. “Did you here about about all the taliban over in Afghanistan?” I asked.

“No, why?”

“Died. Nate Boyer.”

Thought he would cry. From patriotism.

7. Its opening day in baseball which means one thing and one thing only: dads everywere are pumped. Whats funny is that baseball players play 10 times as many games per year as football players but literally no one cares.

I know baseball use to be super popular but its like dating a girl who lets you give it up to her on the first date- its pretty cool at first but then your not going to respect her for getting it on with a idiot like you so quickley. A repsectable sport like football keeps you wating a full week between romps and gives you a ample refractory period so you can fully commit to just banging the hell out of it. The baseball season is like getting average sex every day for 5 months and quickies last 4 and a half hours.

Also, MLB fans are mostly just number plumbers who spend more of there time trying to figure out how to make a fleshlight out of a calculater than actually watching the games.

8. If Johnny Manzell had been on intervention that would of been the top rated television show of all time. In my opinoin his 5 step drop is more importent than how he progresses through 12 steps of quitting.

9. Aaron Hernandez would sometimes smoke up to a ounce per day of marijuana. Which meant that when he use to hit up Gronkowski on the weekends it would literaly be the Pot calling the Ketel.

10, Speaking of Gronk, while his old teamate is busy acting like a criminal, Rob and his bro Dan is out here acting like cops. There going to play a policemen in a upcoming movie with Armand Assante. The idea of Rob Gronkowski walking around with a gun at all times is amazing and deserves to be fully explored.

(Pic via TMZ)

11. Washington signed Dashon Goldson, the safety from the Bucaneers. Goldson has been in the news most often for drawing huge fines for helmet to helmet hits, with his latest literaly costing him $100,000. With Goldson and Brandon Merriweather as starting safetys the Redskins All-22 film is going to look more like a ISIS video then a highlight reel.

Thanks to Pete for sending this my way.

Hey PFT,

Josh Hamliton is a pretty hot buttin issue here today with baseball starting off tthis afternoon. Seems liek the only black tar he is involved with isn’t on his batting helmut. i think the angels made the right call in trying to terminate his contract since he seems a little more interested in when he is going to get to FREE base next instead of FIRST base folks. With the stairoid issue in the NFL basically resolved, h/t commish Goodell, i think that the MLB needs to take a good long look at there drug policys.

Your absolutely right. The NFL has a much better drug testing policy then baseball where they test you once a year for all the fun drugs and then have a HGH test that is uncapable of catching you unless your actively butfunneling the cream and the clear while your peeing into the cup.