MMBM: Peter King is an unwitting accomplice in the NFL’s psychological warfare

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

“What is popular is not allways right, and what is right is not allways popular”

-Thomas Jefferson (R-VA)

According to the transitive property of this statement, Goodell is so wildly unpopular that can only mean that he is also incredibly right. But no one is seeing this punishment for what it is except for me, not even my fellow repsected Monday Morning Column writer, Peter King.

NFL fans and analysts are being played in the most gigantic psyop against the American people since the moon landing.

The plan all a long was for Goodell to make a big deal out of hitting the Patrots with a huge fine and lost draft picks, but then Kraft would appeal and Goodell would drop the fine down. Goodell and Kraft are such good friends theres absolutley no way they werent talking about this before the Commissoner went public with it. That would be like crapping your pants before you get dressed- the timetable just dosen’t add up.

Goodell 100% spoke to Kraft and said “Ok pal, heres the plan buddy. Im going to act like a real dick and fine you like a million dolalrs, but then you can get all angry in the media and appeall it and then I’ll reduce it, by the way want to wifeswap again this weekend? Yeah me too, cool bye.” So right now we’re in phase too of this scheme where Kraft acts all mad by communicating through Goodells favorite reporter- Peter King which is a sign that every things going according to plan.

Still Kraft used this as a opportunity to warn the rest of the owners about the danger of giving one man to much power, saying “ If we’re giving all the power to the NFL and the office of the commissioner, this is something that can happen to all 32 teams.” Hes absoluteley right. It could of been any one of the other owners, had there teams been caught cheating on a massive, organized scale multiple times before. This is a red flag that points to the fact that hes not really mad at Goodell. Because if he was he would of made the obvious analogy of referring to him as “Fuhrer Goodell” and reminding people of what happens when you give one man to much power.

In Krafts defense though- there was no way for him to know about just how unfair the leagues discipline process is when it comes to Goodell being judge, jury, and executoner for all punishments AND appeals besides the dozens of other cases involving players over the passed 6 years. Really unprecedented when you think about it. Its like you dont here about child abductons unless they happen in a wealthy suburb, and now its all over the news. I guarentee you that Robert Kraft thinks theres a scourge of rich,blonde, cute, white teenagers who get kidnapped which is why he tries so hard to make sure there all safe by dating them.

Now that the league has ensured that we are all talking about this non-stop they need to capitalize during the offseason and add a new revenue stream via a televised debate no holes barred, between Brady and Goodell on Pay Per View. Until then, the rest of the NFL media needs to wake up sheeple, because your credibilty is the only thing being artificially deflated.

Now on to the weekly awards:

Mike Alstott is being inducted to the Bucs ring of fame this season, and if you dont think that he could averge 3.7 YPC right now then you just dont know football. The old legend is his parents wanted to name him Will, but its pointless to keep saying “Will Alstott?” because the answer is always “yes.”

In my opinon the Bucs arent going far enough with this tribute. They need to set aside a plot of land under the goal line at Raymond James stadium for Mike to be buried in when he dies, because “6 feet under” was a accurate description on just how much lower then his opponent he could drop his shoulder pads on 4th and 2.

I always say that some RBs are All-stats and some are Alstotts, and Iron Mike played in a day when the only metric that mattered was who wanted it more out there. Back when time of possesson didnt mean how long Chris Johnson could keep a kilo of coke in his trunk before the cops find out.

(pic via The Independent)

Also, it really calls into queston the priorities of the NFLs dispiline strategy when Ray Rice only got a two game suspension but this guy got a 45 mm artillery shell fired directly into his thorax in front of his family. Makes you think.

Reader Mike would also like to weigh in on a possible Intelligence operaton taking place in North Korea:

Roger Goodell and Kim Jong Un are both taking a little heat in the image department, do you these two old friends might do a tit for tat where we send the Titans to Pyongyang since they basically already play in a DMZ (Nashville) and they send back some of their infrastructure secrets?

-Mike

Mike makes a good point I call this Operation Dismember the Titans, but I think if were sending a franchise to North Korea though it should be the Redskins. There both run by a shitty little autocrat with a dumb haircut, they keep failing miserabley in there attempts to acquire a effective long-range aerial attack, and they both lost the South 55 years ago after a bunch of cowboys stepped in.

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

You havent really done Las Vegas until you’ve done it Flacco-style:

Heres Joe Flaccos Vegas Itenerary:

6:45 AM Wake up

7:00 AM Nap

8:00 AM Breakfast (dry wheaties and eating a tomato like a apple)

9:00-10 AM Call your mom

10:00- noon Lunch/bail Jimmy Williams out of jail again

Noon-2 PM Film study

2:00-4 PM Nap

4:00-5 PM Catch a hang at the pool and do oblivous laps of butterfly in a pool with no lap lanes surrounded by people who are partying

5:00-8 PM Use the bathrooms Dyson airblade to dry your entire body while questoning your own Eliteness

8:00-9 PM nap

9:00-6:45 AM- Sleep

In a interview with the Courier Post online, Flacco was asked about DeflateGate and lets just say that Joe dosent have a career as a sportswriter with takes like these:

It’s not something that I can have any opinion on or have any influence on the situation so I don’t really pay attention to it.

And you know what? Im ok with my quaterback not having takes. The final score is all that matters and Touchdowns are facts- not opinions.

This weeks rating is: ELITE

1. The National Enquirer gets it:

(h/t @hisdudeness16)

2. Thanks’ to all of your donations, the Roger Goodell Defense Fund GoFundMe has reached $20. We still have along ways to go to meet our goal of providing the Commissioner with $100,000 for his legal fees as he stares down a nasty appeal process with Robert Kraft, but its a good start.

3. Penn State Offensive linemen Anthony Zettel is beyond bluecollar at this point. He’s flannelcollar since his offseason training regement includes literally cutting down trees by tackling them:

Love the message this sends to his teamates and trees everywhere- At the end of the day your only measured by how many rings you have.

4. Brock Lesnar played football people forget that:

6. Shame on the Jaguars for paying Donte Fowler more money then the free market determines that he is worth. You cant play football with a torn ACL so why should you still be getting paid for it? We didnt keep sending payroll checks to JFK for the last 2 years of his Presidency, and if your a football player your knee is basically the medical equivilant to a Presidents frontal lobe. Hell if you want to pay a overated D-Lineman millions of dllars and get zero producton its almost like he’s updating his resume for that Redskins GM gig.

Cant imagine a organization like the Patriots or Steelers ever willingly paying a player like that. Hell the Pats would of cut Fowler off there big board back in July- better to get rid of a player one year to early then one year to late.

7. Coffeenerdness- Went to Starbucks this morning to get a “underwear destroyer” which is when you get a large cup of coffee then drop a 5-hour energy into it so that you can write your Monday football column. Anyhoo Starbucks has the Eurpoean style of ordering your coffees so that its not “small medium and large”- its “tall, venti, and something else.” So I asked for a “tall” coffee thinking that would surley be the large, right? Wrong. They basically handed me a cup so small that Brett Farve couldnt even wear it. Low marks for Starbucks folks.

8. Rob Gronkowski is a pretty chill guy, as his high school laser tag login info confirms:

A PFTCommetner reader alerted me to the fact that Robs email address was “CHICMAGNET4EVA@YAHOO” as early as 2 weeks ago, so I sent him a email but it gronk-spiked back to me.

This raises some major flags here- why did Rob pull a Hillary Clinton and delete all his emails? Whats he trying to hide? Does Ted Wells know anything about this because it seems like deleting his account would qualify for obstructon of justice charges. And to be honest, Gronks email storage is probably the only server he hasnt tried to have sex with folks.

9. I think with all these ACL tears your seeing these days its time for the league to encourage players to have preembtive knee surgerys like we’re doing with High School pitchers now. They should replace ACLs with knee ligaments from Cheetahs and Gorillas, who are much stronger then humans. Matter fact, if I were a NFL owner I would immediately begin funding for a Jurrasic Park so that I could have a unlimited supply of raptor parts for my players. Its called innovation ever heard of it?

10. The new cool drug that has everyone in a tizzy these days? Its called “Flakka” and it sounds like a absolute blast. From a Vox explaner about the drug:

What does it take for a man to run naked through a Florida neighborhood, try to have sex with a tree, and claim to be the mythical god Thor?

Has the author ever even been to Florda? This is like wondering what it would take for a guy from Louisiana to mumble about ducks for a hour while drinking light beer. Its in there blood. Anyways Im pressing SBNations editorial staff to send me to the Bucs/Jaguars game this fall and let me attend it high on flakka to get the ultmate Florida Football experience to write about. Please everyone tweet to SB Nation Editoral Director Spencer Hall to show your support using the hashtag #NFLakka

11. I think I figured out how to solve the concusson problem and it was right in front of our faces the entire time. Try to follow me on this one folks. What are your syptoms when you have a concussion? Well according to Wikipedia they include:

-Blurred vision

-Sensititvity to bright lights

-Headaches

Hmm remind you of anything? Thats right- a hangover. Now I dont have a fancy 8-year degree, but I would submit that I have more hours of real world experence when it comes to battling hangovers then any “Doctor”. And in my medical opinoin, the best way to fight a hangover is via the “Hair of the dog” theory where you get a little drunk in order to trick your own body into not being hungover again.

So logic and medical science tells us that we should be applying the same theory to concussons. After sustaning a major traumatic brain injury, the best way to treat it should be to give yourself a small concussion the day after, thereby weaning your body off of it. Its litereally a no-brainer to understand that your going to continue to be symptomatic if you just try and quit injuring your brain cold-turkey.

Ive always said that someone should invent a bot that tells you whenver Darren tweets something with the word “actually” in it because its guarenteed to be assnine. Honestley I have no idea what Darrens talking about here:

As we all know , ur only as good as ur last take - and this fella went out on a scorcher folks. He literallygot fired for just doing his job - what kind of message does that send to the next social media manager? U better believe the guy runnoing the Chilis twitter is going too satrt thinking twice before sending off fire tweets bc this is in the back of his mind.

Adam silver needs to take action and give this man his job back. Heck, all he did was kill an emoji animal. I bet u Silver’s eaten a hamburger before, which means he literally killed a real animal, and not giving this fella his job back would literlly make Silver the worlds biggest hypocrit. U cant eat a dead animal then let someone get fired for killing one -- goes both ways.

- Via Mark E.

I agree with Mark here. Its discusting that the Rockets fired a guy for celebrating a win on twitter. If the Rockets twitter guy was around last night he probably would of celebrated the win over the Clippers by doing a iceberg and sailboat emoji with a quote like “Were the king of the world” and it would of been hilarious for a couple minutes.

Although on second thought I completely disagree with Mark here. Because this would never happen in the NFL because they run such a tight ship on there teams twitter accounts. They typicaly stick to a boring formula of basic stuff like tweeting out team news, special events, and blaming the victim when there players are accused of domestic violence.