Loser NFL players aren’t having enough sex

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There’s a new trend amongst modern NFL players and its consequences are leading to some of the worst football that I’ve seen played in the last 40 years. That epidemic? The concerning little amount of sex happening in the NFL, and it factors directly into the quality of play for many superstars and their teams. A quick glance down the standings tells me that through two weeks, the more prude you are off-the-field, the more booed you are on it.

Pretty obvious place to start here. Dating Ciara and then refusing to have sex with her is like going to a Golden Corral that dosen’t have a bathroom. Wilson is winless and sinless since Febuary when he revirginized himself. If I had a nickel for every time Russell Wilson didnt have sex maybe he could afford to let someone else on the team get paid and the Seahawks wouldnt be un-undefeated. You know for a Christian he spends very little of his time going in and out of vestibules.

If you needed any more evidents just look to the Sehawks last game against the Green Bay Packers when he faced off opposite Aaron Rodgers, who reportedly gets to have sex with Olivia Munn after every game. Pack smoked em. Remember back when I was in High School when probably the biggest reason for playing well in a football game was so you could impress someone enough to get sex with them later? Thats how the world works. Carrots and sticks, chains and whips. If you want a player to be motivated there needs to be a reward for him later and as far as I can tell , the promise of taking Ciara to a malt-shop with her Dad and getting to hold her hand at the Jars of Clay concert isnt exactley providing the intrinsic motivation that Russell Wilson obvously needs to carve up a defense. Maybe if he gets between the sheets with her he’ll finally be able to understand what Cover 2 means.

These guys work to hard to be losing games just because their gimmicky quarterback doesnt want to get under center with his girlfriend.

Watt recently admitted in a article for NFL.com that he doesnt have a girlfriend because he’s too focus on football.

Maybe its never occurred to JJ that he’s putting so much energy into not having sex that he’s disrupting his own abilty to get penetration on the field as well. Yes he’s putting up good numbers, but trying doing math in one hand and JOing in the other and see which one fills up first. Numbers are a theory- wins are tangible, and maybe if JJ Watt would subtract 30 from his jersey number the Texans would be on top instead of on bottom.

He also explains that he gets 10 hours of sleep each night- “Last season, I was in bed at 7 or 7:30. I’d get home and go straight to bed. ‘Cause that’s what I had to do. I’d look outside and it was still light out.” And folks you thought Rex Ryan was weird in the bedroom doing all that sex stuff with his wife.

I always say that if your getting 10 hours of sleep every night you’re not getting one. I’d rather have a guy who’s having targeted nonstop sex for 7 hours and getting a laser-focused sixty minutes of sleep then a guy whose soaking in a lazy 8-hour snooze with your body using up valuable energy fighting away wet dreams. Its about quality not quantity and a relaxed 30 minute catnap after a all night coke-orgy is medically better for your recovery then hibernating for 4 months without touching a private part. A bear has never won a Superbowl in 30 years and unless Jimmy Claussenova starts turning on the charm things dont look so good for them this year.

The knock against Tebow is that he hates losing so much that he’s undefeated against his own virginity. Theres a unmistakable quiet confidence that comes along with getting to sleep with a chick for the first time and finally finding out where all a women’s parts are, but Tebow just doesnt have that swagger. He spent his whole offseason trying to figure out how to shorten his release-time as if thats even going to be a issue for him. Kind of ironic that he’s a analyst on the SECs network folks.

I agree wholeheartedly with other people waiting until your married to have sex, but if your a leader your job is to make everyone around you look better which is only accomplished if they are exhibiting signs of arousal. The best “football” player in the world is Cristiano Ronaldo and he’ll be the first to tell you that threw balls>blue balls. Folks I call him the Republican Party because he’s going to be more effective once he gets rid of the Boehner.

Since he got caught having sex and slut-shamed by the media Tiger Woods has ironically been on the biggst dry spell of his career. If he wants to catch the Golden Bear he’ll need to get back to what got him there in his first place his up and down game.

Fact: Peyton Manning is too old to have normal sex and now isnt good anymore.

Meanwhile counterpoint Tom Brady probably has just a ton of sex since he turned into a real-life version of a John Grisham novel. Bradys managed to rebrand himself into a Bad Boy by beating the brakes off his boss, theres nothing a woman loves more then a guy who wins a court case on a technicality. You ever notice how Brady allways looks so relaxed in the pocket? Its because theres not a banana in there taking up all the space he needs to move around freely.

Literally turned 69 and now everything seems to be falling into place. Another counter point- Odell Beckham Jr spent the offseason heads down, ironically preparing for his detractors to eat crow. And the Giants miraculously started winning games once Eli stopped telling his running backs not to score.

So to recap-

2015:

Out: Filmroom and uptight fastidiousness

In: Netflix and chill

Any questions?