Johnny Hekker is the Mike Trout of punting a football

Welcome to Gramatica Errors, SB Nation’s weekly kicking and punting column. As always, we will do our best to avoid any and all foot puns. Now let’s kick things off ...

I write about Rams punter Johnny Hekker quite a bit in this here column, and I’m going to do so again, because he’s so good it’s sort of hard to comprehend. He did something on Sunday that caused me to toss my arms up and just start laughing, a reaction that I only get from a few athletes alive. (Mike Trout is one of them, thus the suggestive headline, which I’m hoping convinced some non-members of the Shoe Crew to click and read this article. Welcome, suckers!)

In the third quarter of their game on Sunday, the Rams were up 19-13 on the Cardinals and pinned back near their own end zone on fourth-and-3. This is a moment the Cardinals were waiting for — a chance to get a good stop, force a punt, and set up a short field for their offense.

Then Hekker caught the ball in his own end zone and punted it 71 yards. The ball flew away from Cardinals return man Patrick Peterson and rolled to the Cardinals’ 21-yard line.

The play led to my favorite Twitter moment of the weekend:

The Rams would go on to win, 32-16.

“When you’re backed up, for Johnny to be able to make that play that he did, to be able to kind of pin them deep in their own territory is why you don’t take a great player like Johnny Hekker for granted,” said Rams coach Sean McVay, via The OC Register.

It really can’t be overstated. By having Johnny Hekker on their team, the Rams have almost eliminated the concept of “flipping field position” against them. If you can back a punter up in his own end zone and he can still get the ball to the other 21, what the hell are you supposed to do?

Apparently, you do what Patrick Peterson did after the punt, which is run over to Hekker and pay your respects. I see you, Patrick. Your appreciation for the Punt Posse will not be forgotten. I, along with the rest of the Uncle Tupa-bros, salute you.

San Francisco 49ers kicker Robbie Gould had a big day this weekend, going 5 for 5 and scoring every point for his team in a 15-14 win over the Bears in a game that can only be described as “one that occurred.”

Making the performance all the sweeter was the fact that Gould, 35, was cut by the Bears before the 2016 season. TOE BOY’S REVENGE!

From the Chicago Tribune:

“It motivated me. It drives me every day,” he said. “I have Ryan Pace and Jeff Rodgers and John Fox to thank for that. Because if I would’ve stayed here, who knows what my career would have ended like?

“But you never want somebody to tell you that you weren’t good at your job.”

I know that reads pretty tame, but from a 35-year-old kicker, that’s as heated and fiery trash talk as you’re going to get. Kickers don’t talk too much. Just not the Shoe Crew way. Like, Gould was never going to say “tell me how my kicks taste, Bears.” Or like, “I just toed you to death, you little shit stains.” He would never say any of that.

Raiders kicker Giorgio Tavecchio — who is an NFL kicker and, despite his name and looks, definitely not the head of a syndicate of international jewel thieves — had another strong outing on Sunday, making his lone field goal attempt from 39 yards and completing three extra points in a 24-17 win over the Giants.

Again, Giorgio Tavecchio is only the kicker for the Raiders ... and not an international jewel thief. That’s the end of the article. The rest of this is not for anyone to read. Please click away. Thank you.

Ah, Giorgio. You again. It seems that our fates have exchanged roses and we’ll tango one last time together, eh, you card? I’ll never forget that moment I first saw you in the spice market in Khartoum. Then again, it’s hard to forget when an Italian placekicker throws kala jeera in your face and puts a switchblade in your gut. Lucky for me, you’ve always been more accurate with your foot than you are with a blade. And Mercedes always did like a scar, didn’t she?

Now onto business: The diamonds. They’re located in the southwest truffle bed of the Marquis’ second estate. It’s marked by a medallion of Saint Janikowski embedded in the bark of an old Aleppo pine — forgive me this one time, Giorgio, but I couldn’t resist a little poetry. And if the pigs got there first, well, I can only offer my sincere apologies. Happy hunting, my old adversary.

One last thing: If you see Esmerelda, tell her the attaché case she gave me is with the ambassador’s pallbearer. She’ll know the one. And Giorgio? Make sure she knows I miss her dearly, but it would never have worked out between us. I think we all know the Baronessa would make sure of that. Also, nice conversion from 39 yards against the Giants.