Hello, NFL fan. You’ve barely heard of most of the following players, and that’s fine. We’re here today to familiarize you with some of the beauteous syllables enjoyed over the last four years by college football fans, so you don’t have to look up on draft night all, “Wait, there’s a guy named Barkevious?” Yeah, and he was pretty famous for years before he got drafted in 2013, with entire blog posts about his name way back in 2009.
The 2018 NFL Draft All-Name Team, led by Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep J. St. Brown and Dee Liner
It’s time once again to celebrate some wonderful poetry.
Photo by Elsa/Getty Images
Sorry! Anyway, let’s fill out a starting 22-ish of 2018 prospects.
QB: Jeremiah Briscoe, Sam Houston State
This is a Justified character, specifically a country dentist who gets in deep with the Dixie Mafia because it’s blackmailing him for distilling backwash. Like the QB, this dentist is from Sam Houston State.
RB: Boston Scott, Louisiana Tech
The No. 2 weekend morning AM sports radio host in all of Massachusetts. Since 2011, has been calling for Bill Belichick to be fired.
Team captain, head coach, owner, mayor, and WR: Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep J. St. Brown, Notre Dame
Equanimous’ brothers are named Osiris Adrian Amen-Ra J. St. Brown and Amon-Ra Julian Heru J. St. Brown. They are also wide receivers.
Other WRs: Marcell Ateman, Oklahoma StateByron Pringle, Kansas StateKeke Coutee, Texas TechJester Weah, Pitt
Wide receivers always carry all-name teams. If you give your child an excellent enough name, he or she will become a wide receiver.
OL: Will Clapp, LSUCole Boozer, TempleJoseph Noteboom, TCUBrad Lundblade, Oklahoma StateScott Quessenberry, UCLA
Will Clapp.
Defensive captain: Dee Liner, Arkansas State
He plays D line.
Other DL: Hercules Mata’afa, Washington StateDa’Ron Payne, AlabamaZaycoven Henderson, Texas A&MPoona Ford, Texas
LB: Trent Tanking, Kansas StateChristian Sam, Arizona StateJosey Jewell, Iowa
Now I wish Trent Tanking was awesome at basketball. Imagine the Suns and Hawks tanking for Tanking.
Christian Sam might not be that exciting of a name, but I like the idea of an Arizona State player being very outwardly pious.
“Hi, I’m Sam, and I’m so devout, they call me Christian Sam.”
“So why do you go to Arizona State, of all places?”
Christian Sam could have all sorts of answers.
DB: Armani Watts, Texas A&MSecdrick Cooper, Louisiana TechHolton Hill, TexasMinkah Fitzpatrick, Alabama
Not the strongest group of DB names this year, other than Armani Watts, the most electric man in fashion.
You’re welcome, NFL fan. Now you know about the best names.
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