Breaking down the 5 least watchable primetime games of the 2019 NFL schedule

The 2019 NFL regular season schedule is here, and it’s filled with exciting matchups. This fall will feature rematches of last year’s AFC and NFC title games, pit Aaron Rodgers up against Patrick Mahomes in a game that could have massive MVP implications, and give the world a potential Heisman vs. Heisman showdown between Baker Mayfield and Kyler Murray in December.

It will also give us a primetime showdown between a team that finished with four wins in 2018 and one that finished with three.

This year’s slate of Thursday, Sunday, and Monday night NFL games is mostly solid. The majority showcase the league’s top teams and compelling storylines. But they can’t all be winners, and some nights are going to be easier to detox from football than others. Here are the five least essential primetime games of the upcoming schedule, put in chronological order.

[Conspicuous from their absence on this list is the Buffalo Bills. Not because they’re entertaining and/or fun (they are not), but because the NFL couldn’t be bothered to give them a single evening game in 2019. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ]

Opening week always needs a West Coast game to anchor the back end of a Monday Night Football doubleheader. This year, that spinning wheel landed on two AFC West rivals who won 10 games combined last fall. The night of Sept. 9 will give the world a glimpse at the new-look Raiders, who followed up 2018’s bottoming-out by adding Antonio Brown, Trent Brown, Tyrell Williams, Lamarcus Joyner, and up to three 2019 first-round draft picks.

It will also give us the first look at John Elway’s revamped Broncos who, uh, added 34-year-old Joe Flacco at quarterback. They also doled out $51 million for Ja’Wuan James to shore up their offensive line. This would have been much more impressive had they not watched their best blocker, center Matt Paradis, sign with the Panthers one day earlier.

These two teams met on Monday night in Week 16 last season and put together a game that was effectively over by halftime. Week 1’s repeat has to follow a Saints-Texans between a pair of 2018 division champs with barnburner potential. The good news is anyone deciding to go to bed early will be able to catch up on all the important pieces of this one in an eight-second GIF Tuesday morning.

Behold, the AFC South’s least watchable rock fight. Jacksonville hasn’t scored multiple touchdowns in a single game against Tennessee in nearly two years. Last year, Blake Bortles and Cody Kessler piloted the Jags to 15 total points in two games against their divisional rival.

This year they’ll hope Nick Foles can return to greatness outside of Philadelphia against the Titans. If recent tradition holds, Marcus Mariota will only be mostly injured by Week 3.

This could be a great night for Derrick Henry, however. He gashed the Jaguars (and shocked fantasy teams across the world) with a 238-yard, four-touchdown performance the last time these teams met. We’ll see what he can do against a Jacksonville defense that isn’t held together by apathy and passive-aggressive tweets this year.

Sam Darnold has faced the New England defense once in his budding NFL career, losing by merely five touchdowns in a 38-3 trouncing. His third go-round against Bill Belichick’s defense — these teams meet on a regular Sunday in Week 3 — will come under the bright lights of Monday Night Football, but without Jason Witten to distract us from just how many open receivers Darnold shrugs off to fire the ball into a double-covered post route.

The Jets made strides to get better, ponying up big money for Le’Veon Bell and C.J. Mosley — both of whom have impressive track records of defeat against New England (0-6 combined). This was much more eventful than the Pats’ offseason, which saw standouts like Trey Flowers, Rob Gronkowski, Trent Brown, Malcom Brown, and Cordarrelle Patterson all leave via free agency or retirement only to be replaced by Michael Bennett and Mike Pennel (good), Demaryius Thomas (... OK), Bruce Ellington, Matt LaCosse, Maurice Harris, and Cedrick Lang (oh).

The upside for New York is it gets the Patriots early in the season, before Tom Brady and his new receivers have jelled and when the powerhouse franchise typically looks its most vulnerable. The downside is disjointed, undercooked New England losses are torturous to watch — see last year’s loss to the Lions in Week 3 or 2014’s Week 4 loss to the Chiefs or 2016’s Jacoby Brissett-led shutout defeat in Buffalo. The only lasting value will be whatever sad, pouty, or nose-picking faces Brady makes on the bench as the clock ticks down on an 11-point loss and columnists across the country prepare to ask the world if the Patriots are really really really dead, for real this time?

On one hand, you can combine these teams’ 2018 win totals and they still wouldn’t have enough victories to make a .500 season. On the other hand, they should be better in 2019. San Francisco will ostensibly have Jimmy Garoppolo back on two legs, and Arizona will either have an electric rookie quarterback learning the ropes (Kyler Murray) or a growing second-year QB one year removed from being a top-10 pick (Josh Rosen, who is conspicuously absent from Arizona’s schedule release video, hmmmmm).

There’s potential for this game to be watchable! But there’s much more potential for it not to be, as 2018 showed off in all its glory. The Cardinals’ top wideouts are a 35-year-old Larry Fitzgerald and some combination of Christian Kirk, Kevin White, and Trent Sherfield. Their tight end depth chart is just a list of old Dick Tracy villain names. If the club does indeed burn the No. 1-overall pick to let Murray run for his life behind one of the league’s least effective lines, that just means it won’t get the young defensive playmaker Arizona very much needs.

The Niners, on the other hand, are relying on a quarterback who has never started more than five games in a season. Their defense, which gave up more points than all but four other teams last fall despite playing the Cardinals twice, added veteran talent in Dee Ford and Kwon Alexander. If Richard Sherman’s experience in the Bay Area is any indication, their hamstrings will catch fire somewhere around Week 5.

This game could be a ridiculous shootout or a “so bad it’s good” contest. It will almost certainly not be “so good it’s good.”

The Jets have three primetime games in 2019 — a re-enactment of the 2018 game that flooded the streets of Cleveland with free beer, an AFC East showdown against the Patriots, and this battle between interesting but flawed second-year passers late in the regular season.

Sam Darnold will get the chance to prove himself against one of the league’s elite defenses, only we’re not sure how good the Ravens will be after losing contributors like C.J. Mosley, Za’Darius Smith, and Terrell Suggs this offseason. Lamar Jackson will get the chance to prove 2018 was no fluke, but he’ll have to upgrade his passing game and, more importantly, stay healthy after averaging 17 carries per game as a starter in his rookie season.

There’s a very reasonable chance the Jets are just a speed bump on Baltimore’s road back to the postseason by Week 15. There’s also a chance Robert Griffin III starts this primetime affair after Jackson hits the turf awkwardly after his 23rd carry against the Patriots in Week 9. Either way, it seems like there won’t be many passing yards to come by when Baltimore and New York square off in December.