I poured Tabasco in my eyes and tried to answer Cowboys questions like Mike Nolan

Mike Nolan suffered an unfortunate accident on Monday when the Cowboys’ defensive coordinator accidentally got Tabasco in his eyes and needed to call things early.

As someone with cripplingly low self esteem and a total lack of personal care, I decided to put this to the test and see if I could handle answering questions about the Cowboys’ defense, after putting a whole bunch of Tabasco sauce in my eyes.

It would answer a burning question: Am I tougher than Mike Nolan?

If the Cowboys were a character from Friends, who would they be?
I would say ... sorry, I have to keep my eyes closed because opening them hurts too bad [...] I would say Joey Tribiani, because they’re the lovable losers of the NFL right now. Everyone loved Joey, but he hurt himself as much as anyone else.

Is the Cowboys defense better than real-life cowboys?
I tend to think of Cowboys as going on the offensive, unless it was against cattle rustlers. We’re not talking about sherrifs here, who went after criminals. Cowboys are just trying to look after their flock, or whatever. This is one occasion where I think the Dallas Cowboys’ defense may be better. This was such a bad idea.

When a baby sea turtle hatches, they have to run down the beach immediately to the moonlit water to survive. If all 11 Cowboys defensive starters surrounded a nest of sea turtles and played Cover 1 man free, what percentage of them survive?
I don’t like the idea of baby sea turtles dying, so I’m going to say all the sea turtles survive. Sea turtles are just lovely. OH THIS IS JUST THE WORST! OH GOODNESS! I’m going to say they all survive. What eats sea turtles? Birds or something? I’m pretty confident that any human could scare away some birds from some baby turtles.

If the Cowboys defense and the Jets offense played and you had to pick one side to bet your life on, which one do you go with?
Oh gosh, that’s tough. You’ve got the worst offense in the NFL and the worst defense in the NFL. I’m still gonna go Cowboys, just because the defining factor here is whether Adam Gase gets to call the plays for the Jets. If he calls the plays, absolutely no way.

Okay, so my answers were kind of weak I know — but trying to look at a screen and parse text while your eyes are on fire turns out to be really difficult. Honestly, I don’t blame Nolan for tapping out because that really, really sucked. That said, I do feel extremely validated knowing that I could tough it out when Nolan couldn’t and that makes me feel good.

Don’t try this at home. Seriously. Allow me to make bad decisions for your entertainment, not for your replication.