The vast world of NFL merchandise is a weird, occasionally scary place. Dig deep into the banks of your favorite team, past the jerseys and hoodies and you’ll find a plethora of weird, branded home items that are often tacky. However, distasteful as they may be, it’s rare that an NFL team sells something truly horrifying — that was, until the Packers decided this monstrosity of Aaron Rodgers’ face was okay.
This horrific Aaron Rodgers stump was crafted directly from your nightmares
I wouldn’t even accept this as a gift.
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
Yes, this item is real. The “Packers #12 Rodgers Carved Stumpy Eekeez” can be yours for just $17.95, assuming you’re okay having a literal evil omen delivered to your doorstep. There’s something especially awful about taking a poorly made wood carving, casting it in resin, then displaying it on your shelf the same way Jabba the Hutt was desperate to put Han Solo in carbonite.
That said, an item like this may have its uses. Has game day at your house become so over saturated that you’d like there to be less people, but you feel bad asking them not to come anymore? Put a Packers #12 Rodgers Carved Stumpy Eekeez on your mantle and watch as you gentle exfoliate your friends away through attrition. One look at this monster and they’ll say “I’m not going back to Steve’s house, that Rodgers stump is creepy AF.”
Did your kid get bad grades and needs a “scared straight” moment? Put the Packers #12 Rodgers Carved Stumpy Eekeez in their bed while they’re asleep. The next morning onwards you’ll be seeing straight A’s.
Pesky crows always stealing your corn? Put a Packers #12 Rodgers Carved Stumpy Eekeez on top of a hastily-dressed scarecrow and you’re guaranteed to be rid of your bird problems for good.
See, every cloud has a silver lining — and when it comes to this cursed object you need to put some effort in to find it, but it’s there. Please, rest of the NFL, don’t make more of these immortalizing your quarterbacks. 2020 is scary enough as it is.
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