The Steelers will now play at ‘Acrisure Stadium,’ and nobody knows what the hell Acrisure is

There are some NFL stadiums that are indelibly burned in your mind. The Packers play at Lambeau Field, the Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium — and when it comes to the realm of corporate naming I think any football fan would be able to tell you in an instant that Gillette Stadium belongs to the Patriots, and Heinz Field is the home of the Steelers. At least, that was true until Monday morning.

The Steelers’ stadium is getting a new name after Heinz elected not to renew its naming rights after 20 years. Now we know where the black and gold will play in the fall, but not what the hell this company does.

If you can tell me what Acrisure does without Googling, you’re lying. If you can tell me what Acrisure does even after Googling — you’re lying. This is the most confusing company on the face of the earth, and everyone is trying to work out what they do.

So, if you go to their website it’s clear they offer insurance. When you click to request a quote you’re met with this sentence, which I’ve parsed 100 times and still don’t know what it means.

“We combine the best of human and high tech to deliver the extraordinary outcomes you’d expect from a top-10 global broker. Tell us about your needs and get a quote.”

I don’t know what needs to be “high tech” about insurance. I’m unsure what the “extraordinary outcomes” would be in this case. I thought insurance was a pretty basic transaction.

The company says they offer home and auto insurance, which cool. There are hundreds of insurance companies in the United States, from Geico and their delightful British gecko, to The General, and their mascot: Sleepy Shaq.

What makes the Steelers naming their stadium “Acrisure Stadium” weird is that by literally every available source that isn’t Acrisure directly, they are not a very large company. Certainly not large enough to imagine them getting naming rights to an NFL stadium up against the other titans in the league.

So how did this upstart tech/insurance company get to name the stadium? It might be some good, old fashioned nepotism. In the write up from the Pittsburgh Gazette we start to see how the relationship between Acrisure and the Steelers is deeper than just a company buying naming rights.

“Two years ago, the company acquired the insurance practice of artificial intelligence company Tulco LLC, whose chairman and CEO is Mr. Tull.

Tulco became a significant minority shareholder in Acrisure as part of that transaction, according to a statement released at the time.

Mr. Tull, a billionaire film producer, also has an ownership stake in the Steelers.”

So, Thomas Tull had a company named Tulco, which he sold to Acrisure — making him a part-owner of Acrisure. He’s also a partial owner in the Steelers. So when Acrisure pays the Steelers, Tull is kind of paying himself. That doesn’t seem suspicious at all.

Hell, maybe this is all normal and I’m confused for no reason. I’ll own that. To be fair, I’ve been pretty confused about all this ever since I read this line from Acrisure’s website about their advantages for clients.

“Acrisure augments human intelligence with AI-powered technology. Our intelligence-driven approach enhances client outcomes and speeds decision-making in areas such as insurance, reinsurance, real estate services, cyber services and asset and wealth management. The result: better customer experience, faster decisions and more customized client solutions.”

I’m sure we’ll learn more about Acrisure as this progresses and the company is in the limelight more. Or maybe we won’t? Or perhaps we’ll come to find out that their diversification techniques using AI-sourced beta testing of fiduciary computations for asset growth and retention analysis is spurious. I just made up every aspect of that last sentence, but you thought for a second it came directly from Acrisure, I know it.

Ketchup was a lot simpler.