Russell Wilson’s ‘dangerous’ sandwich at Subway is sadder than you can imagine

I really wanted to write a pithy lead in to set up this TikTok Russell Wilson posted as an ad to Subway, but there is absolutely nothing I can say that would do this justice.

Russ was quick to delete this masterpiece of awkwardness, and I’m still left gobsmacked that it was ever posted in the first place. I can’t tell you how many short videos I’ve recorded, watched back, then deleted and re-done because I flubbed a word, or made a mess out of a turn of phrase. Instead, this was put online with a rambling diatribe about danger, in which Wilson either admits to a crime, or is about to tell a story about a weird trip to Tijuana.

“Be careful though ... it’s spicyyyy. You ever done anything dangerous? [stares into camera for five seconds while biting sandwich] Oooh, that is dangerous. I’ve done something like that too. I won’t tell anybody. Listen, one time ... ah, nevermind... that’s too dangerous.”

Maybe I’ve been watching an alarming amount of Dahmer on Netflix, but this feels like an awkward confession he’d make about gnawing on a human femur. It makes me absolutely terrified of what is in Russell Wilson’s “Dangerwich,” so I had to find out. Thankfully “The Fast Food Post,” which blogs about Fast Food has the ingredients of Russ’ signature sandwich.

Now, keep in mind that he calls this “dangerous.” Fully absorb that he says this sandwich is spicy. Let the possible ingredients swirl around in your mind and create a imaginary tapestry of flavors and tastebud burning intensity. Okay, ready for what’s in the “Dangerwich”?

“The Dangerwich” comes with pepperoni, salami, black forest ham, provolone cheese and bacon on Italian Herbs and Cheese bread, topped with lettuce, green peppers, tomatoes, banana peppers, and finished with yellow mustard and mayo.

PEPPERONI AND BANANA PEPPERS ARE THE SPICIEST THINGS ON THIS SANDWICH! I AM IRRATIONALLY ANGRY AT THIS! Now look, I’m not going to give shit to people with a low spice tolerance, because that’s stupid gastronomical elitism — but don’t call something spicy is there’s nothing even spice-adjacent to this. Children’s second pizza choice is pepperoni, toddlers eat it — NOT SPICY. Banana peppers, also not spicy. When a pepper takes the name of a fruit it’s not going to be spicy, and it’s a vinegar vehicle, not a spice carrier.

Keep in mind that Marshawn Lynch also has a new sandwich, “The Beef Mode,” which is doesn’t brand as spicy, but it contains:

“The Beef Mode” features Choice Angus Roast Beef, melted pepper jack cheese and hickory smoked bacon served on Italian Herbs & Cheese bread and topped with lettuce, black olives, tomatoes, red onions, and jalapenos, and drizzled with yellow mustard and Baja Chipotle sauce.

The combination of yellow mustard AND chipotle sauce is a little icky, but I’ll forgive it, because. this sandwich actually attempts to find flavor in a hopeless place.

So, not only did Russ make an incredibly awkward ad, but his “Dangerous” sandwich put you at as much risk at tearing the label off your mattress when you’re not supposed to. Just sad.