Sean Payton had an existential sushi crisis after the Broncos beat the Packers

Coaches are normally happy after getting a much-needed win, but Sean Payton instead started having an existential crisis following Denver’s win. What followed on Monday was one of the most bizarre quotes we’ve ever heard from a football coach — ever.

It also involved sushi.

I don’t know that there’s really a correct way to react to this. It’s a seriously weird way to address the media after a win. The only thing that’s apparent is that if Payton is driving around a parking lot wondering if he should get sushi while questioning whether he can ever be happy — dude, maybe get a therapist.

There was more.

It’s really cool of Sean to go out for sushi even if it’s not his jam, but my man — they have other things at most sushi restaurants. The odds of finding a true, dedicated sushi restaurant in Denver with NOTHING else on the menu is pretty slim. Get yourself some yakisoba, find a place that has a good ramen too.

I want to help Sean Payton, because he’s clearly a man in crisis. I can’t help with the crippling existential crisis — that’s for a therapist. I can at least assist with these sushi woes. Our friends at Eater have a list of the 15 best sushi restaurants in Denver, and a great option for the family is Bamboo Sushi. Their menu looks incredible, and here are just a few good options for Payton that don’t involve eating traditional sushi.

C’mon Sean. Even if sushi doesn’t bring you happiness surely a good ribeye or a wagyu burger will. Personally, I’ve got my eye on that spicy seaweed fried rice or the chili garlic chicken, but you do you my man.

I just want you to be happy.