Juice: shh

Ten: Who was talking?

Juice: shhhhhhh!

here we see the rare commodore

don’t capitalize, you’ll only frighten it

Juice: the vanderbilt commodores have been scarcely seen in recent times, but just months ago they sent a team of 57 up to michigan. they managed to pop a ball loose and now they’re tryin to creep back home with it

they’re in southern indiana now, which in normal conditions is a spaghetti dungeon so busy, most ball-carrying teams would prefer to avoid it altogether

Nine: You mean spaghetti junction.

Juice: oh yeah

actually you know what, i like “spaghetti dungeon.” that’s what it’s called now

Juice: just a bit northwest of louisville, the fields of Vanderbilt, Purdue, Miiddle Tennessee State, Notre Dame, Tennessee, Troy, UNC, Kentucky, and Ole Miss create this mess here

Vandy is now enjoying the same hospitable climate that’s benefiting San Diego State: damn near the whole country is bum-rushing Georgia Tech’s field, which is many miles east. they’ve encountered virtually no resistance on their way south

Juice: they’ve let their guard down

it’s the perfect environment

FOR A PREDATOR

Ten: You’re letting out a lot of David Attenborough energy. I like it.

Juice: is that the set it and forget it guy

Ten: …

Yes. Yes, that’s exactly who that is.

Nine: A 57-player offense against an eight-player defense is more or less what I’ve been waiting to see for weeks.

All I really want to see is whether those eight have a plan to not make it look bad.

Ten: If I were UAB and I wanted to actually take my awful chances, I’d probably just take my chances and call a zero blitz.

Juice: lol lady you can’t call a zero blitz EVERY TIME

Ten: Not with that attitude!

Nine: Then again, say you do call blitz and somehow create a turnover in the resulting panic. You’re then an eight-player offense against a 57-player defense. What then?

UAB doesn’t have to play Vandy here, right? As long as they don’t issue a challenge, they can just walk on through?

Juice: yup

but they’re gonna play. what’s important for y’all to know is this

the University of Alabama-Birmingham is the greatest team in college football. and it ain’t even fuckin CLOSE. they’re better than michigan state. better than everybody. it’s been this way forever. for a while they were the top-ranked team in the country.

UAB used to stomp all over the country in this giant 100-player offense. you never ever see offenses like that now. it’s like, you know how prehistoric creatures were big as fuck and got a lot smaller over time because being big as fuck wasn’t sustainable? well that’s what they were like

in the early days they’d pack up a couple of footballs and just go on tour all over the country, across everyone’s fields

Ten: That doesn’t make any sense. Just out in the open?

Juice: oh yeah. it was a damn parade is what it was

Ten: Sounds like an intimidation tactic.

Juice: eh i guess. i mean it can be useful to scare the fuck out of your opponent in some cases, but in this case it made everyone in the country get serious about carefully hiding the footballs they had. i think it kinda worked against em honestly

they did this for fun. they were the best and they wanted everyone to know it. they wanted to bully the fuck out of every other team in the nation

and you know what’s wild is, nobody could ever do anything about it. nobody could stop them and their hundred-player offense. not even with another hundred-player offense, no matter how many times they tried. Purdue sent the house after em. Wazzu. USC. Colorado. Michigan. Ohio State. everybody.

and it was like they were all part of a christening. just glass bottles shattered against a hull. they never forced a turnover on downs or a fumble or an INT

Ten: They all fall eventually, though. Every dynasty ends. Every superpower slips up. It’s inevitable.

Juice: no!

no it turns out it’s not!

UAB ran a hundred-player offense they called the Steamroller. they developed it for a couple hundred years. and when they were ready to show it to the world, you know what they did?

they didn’t keep it quiet

they didn’t make their opponents spend endless nights in the film room, studying maps, trying to figure out what they were doin

they printed out their playbook on posters and shipped em out to everybody. like “here’s what we’re doin. here’s exactly what we’re gonna do to your stupid ass. do something about it”

the DISRESPECT

Ten: JESUS CHRIST

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Juice: yeah it’s about the scariest thing i ever seen

Ten: GOD

Nine: Seven quarterbacks?

Juice: yyyyyup. each one specializing in something different. like, let’s just take the five up top

Juice: Robinson was a dispatcher. she’d take the shotgun snap and immediately pitch it to someone else. never ever stood in the pocket with it, never tried a forward pass, never tucked and ran. her skill was in reading the defense, knowing who to pitch it to, and never ever fuckin it up

QB2 was Bev. if she got the pitch, she’d make literally one read, and if it wasn’t a home run she’d get rid of it. at QB3, Cox was the same deal, except in some cases he’d cheat right. lookit

Juice: to his right was basically a conveyer belt of receivers headin upfield. sometimes he’d just tuck in with them and use em as blockers to run up the right side. if the defense was lined up favorably, anyway

Nine: This whole thing is like a chemistry set.

How often did he do that?

Juice: probly like 1 in 20 plays. when it worked, you can imagine how tough it was to bottle him up. great option to have

now, QB4 and QB5

Juice: in a lot of situations they were dispatchers like Robinson, just shuttled the ball to where it needed to go. but they did some pretty fun shit in cases where they had two footballs.

Nine: I’m guessing in that case, two linemen just become centers.

Juice: yup correct and these centers were so good at long snapping that they could direct snap it all the way back there to em if they wanted. then these two could spend all day making their reads and poppin off a throw

ha i remember one time Astin had the ball, right? and they find a target, the receiver Walker, and throw. and then Morris pitches them the ball and they now get to try two completions on a single play, right? so they chuck it to Walker AGAIN and he catches it again. real funny to watch a receiver bring a ball down with his free hand while he’s already carrying one

Ten: QB7 looks like he’d have enough time to smoke a brisket.

Juice: haaaaa QB7 was the funniest part of all this

Juice: it was mostly built around Yamauchi and his particular skill set. this man was and is one of the best distance throwers in the nation

Nine: It says 300 yards here.

Juice: yeahhhhh

there’s a lot to be said about how we can’t expect human beings to change in meaningful ways. they still have marital problems and stub their toes in houses they’ve lived in for a thousand years, etc etc. at a point, expecting further improvement from people is like asking a tree to learn how to fly

but one of the things they DID get a lot better at over the last 18,000 years or so was throwing fuckin bombs. if you train and condition the right way, and if you develop the right mechanics, you can chuck it to goddam norway

Yamauchi’s longest completion traveled 587 yards in the air. trouble is, of course, it’s real tough to maintain accuracy over that distance. it’s dangerous and there are way safer ways to advance the ball that are just as effective. they didn’t let him throw all that often

but holy fuck was it a sight when it happened

Ten: That leaves QB6 as the primary quarterback.

Juice: yup Valentine’s incredible

Juice: Valentine’s like … name one of the old conventional football quarterbacks. any one

Ten: Troy Aikman.

Juice: no like a good one

Ten: All right. Aaron Rodgers.

Juice: yeah there we go. good pocket mobility, strong arm, extremely mistake-averse, terrifying accuracy. all things Valentine has in spades

but most important is her ability to make reads. the other six qbs on the field were very good at this but the way Val could make her reads, it was like watching someone sitting on a park bench on a nice day, leisurely reading analyze that cover to cover

i mean sometimes they would empty out most of the backfield. they’d send damn near every eligible receiver. the eight deep wideouts, the 19 standard wideouts, the tight end, eight running backs. that’s 36 reads she had to make

but she also had lots of pocket protection. even the biggest scariest defenses took a good 30 seconds to get to her. it should not be legal for someone like Valentine to have that much time in the pocket

she would just eat defenses alive. it wasn’t even a–

Ten: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It took me a minute, but I think you think Analyze That was a book.

Juice: uh

alright i’ll be honest, i saw an Analyze That lunchbox and just assumed it inspired a book at some point

Ten: There was a

Hang on

Tell me about this lunchbox

Juice: it was uh, it was like a lunchbox that had two guys on it and it said Analyze That on it

Ten: And you thought they wrote a book based off it

Juice: y–

yeah

Ten: So like the foundational work for an entire book would be a lunchbox

With two random guys on it

And the words Analyze That with no explanation or context

Juice: sure why not? seems like there’s a lot there

Ten: Nevermind

Nine: Ha, love it when you stop punctuating. It’s like you’re groaning. It’s endearing.

Ten: Fuck you there is nothing endearing about me

Nine: True. All the charisma in the Pioneer family was passed down to me.

Where’s Valentine now?

Juice: still there! she’s still on the team!

UAB stopped doin their parades a long time ago. which sucks for her. that’s what she was good at

Nine: So what happened?

Juice: nothin

Nine: What do you mean nothing? Why don’t they have any footballs?

Juice: OH

yeah some important shit to fill you in on there

but first, i’m receiving word from myself that we have some live action now in indiana

the eight players from UAB have sprung up on vandy and are challenging them to scrimmage play

oh god

Juice: lol

Nine: I know I’m new here, but that offense looks hideous.

Juice: yup

Nine: Break it down for us, if you would.

Juice: well, this formation is known as the Leapfrog

Ten: The Leapfrog? Come onnnnnnnn.

I thought we put this to bed in the 14000s.

Juice: you know how people are though. can’t stop tryin stuff that doesn’t work. unfortunately, sometimes bad ideas work just often enough to stick around

the upside of the Leapfrog is that it’s easy to run if you’re lacking in talent, confidence, courage, ability, heart, ambition, those sorts of things

the main criticism i have of the Leapfrog formation is that it’s a bunch of stupid fuckshit. it’s run primarily by losers, scrubs, clowns, chumps, suckers, marks, herbs, and even by busters on occasion

Juice: what we got here is five centers, essentially. the one up top shotgun-snaps to the second center, who then pitches back to the third, fourth, etc., until it actually gets to the quarterback

this quarterback enjoys the protection of several offensive lines. in this case, seven groups of five linemen

he’s got eight wideouts on each side of the field, plus a tight end. so basically he’s got TONS and tons of time to choose between 17 eligible targets

Ten: It’s safe to the point of irresponsibility. Yes, the quarterback gets a pocket way behind scrimmage, and he could literally take a nap back there if he wanted to. It’s also totally passive. Your receivers will run out of stuff to do and routes to run. They have to improvise. You’re basically just hiding in your house, peeking through the blinds, waiting for the neighbors you don’t get along with to go inside.

To do this when you outnumber the defense 57-8 is scaredy-cat shit.

Juice: i mean if you WERE to be scared of a mouse, it’d be this one

UAB’s only got a rowboat’s worth of players here but the talent they’re puttin on the field here is several classes above vandy’s

obviously they kinda have to play zone here. that’s fine though because these are eight of the most menacing DBs you’ll find anywhere. terrifyingly quick, and they play all kinds of games with you too. they set so many traps for you that even if you do find a good look, you’ll hesitate. throwing into this defense is a nightmare

Ten: But hey. At least you won’t get sacked. At least you won’t get your precious little clothes dirty.

Nine: Unless …

Juice: you see it?

haaaaaa yeah you see it

YEAH YOU SEE IT

Nine: Is it legal?

Ten: Is what legal?

Juice: oh it’s perfectly legal. one hundred percent legal

Nine: Is Vandy that dumb?

Juice: well i’ll put it like this

they don’t get out much

and there’s a reason UAB picked this exact point in the map to take em on

Ten: Ohhhh I see it!

Yeah there, look, one of their prevent safeties is dropping back.

They’re gonna try it.

Juice: that’s Val

Nine: She’s still on the team?

Juice: oh yeah

almost everyone you saw on that 800-year-old poster is still on the team. few teams are as dedicated as this one. they’re in it til the end

Nine: So she’s a safety now.

Juice: yeah and she is not all that happy about it either. even still she’s great at it, you’d never even know she used to be a quarterback

it’s debatable but arguable that she’s the best all-around player in the country

Ten: She’s gonna have to sprint about … 225 yards to make it to the ball. Her teammates just have to divert their attention for long enough.

Juice: here she goes

watch the triangle vandy

WATCH THE TRIANGLE

Juice: THERE’S THE TRIANGLE

MAKE EM TAP

Juice: THE REFEREE HAS CALLED AN END TO THIS MATCH AT 17 SECONDS

Nine: Oh my GOD

She’s gone. It’s over.

Juice: LOL FUCK

I LOVE IT SO MUCH

Ten: All that pocket protection for nothing.

Holy shit, that’s so funny.

Juice: you like it! you like my game! see?

Ten: No no no no. There are things about it that I like. That’s different.

Juice: uh huh

Coach: Val!

Valentine!

Valentine: What took y’all so long to catch up? I’ve been here an hour.

Coach: Well, you know Perry can’t move as fast as you can.

Valentine: Perry! What the fuck?

Perry: I got the wrong boots back in Evansville!

Valentine: What’s wrong with them?

Perry: They’re dress boots. I just grabbed a box, I thought they were hiking boots. Had the wrong boots in it.

Valentine: Well your stride is all fucked-up lookin’. You run like you were born with a dozen dicks. Get some new fuckin’ boots!

Coach: Who cares? You know they weren’t catching us anyway.

Valentine: Pff. No, they weren’t.

We need some real fuckin’ competition. We’re gonna get soft if we don’t.

It’s not even fun playin’ a team like Vandy. That shit used to be fun. Remember when that was fun? Slappin’ the shit out of everybody.

Coach: That was clean, though. That was clean what you did, you just put a hand out and, BLAP.

You even touch him?

Valentine: Nah.

What’s fucked up is, his blockers didn’t even turn around at first. I actually turned back and looked after a few yards, and most of ‘em were just standing around. They didn’t even know what happened. It was like I stole somebody’s purse on the sidewalk.

Some of these teams out here, man. They’ve got no heart. Does Vandy have anybody who’s been on the team more than a hundred years?

Coach: Don’t think so.

Valentine: We’re gonna get soft if this is the only competition we got.

Coach: Shit, I won’t complain. Easier for us.

Valentine: Fuck that.

Coach: You’ve been cranky all day.

Valentine: Yeah, no shit.

Coach: Cranky even for you, though.

Valentine: Well we forgot the boats. Every time we move through here we forget to pack the rafts.

Coach: What’s up, we got a lake comin’ up?

Valentine: Look. Past the tree line.

Coach: Ahhhhh.

Valentine: Quarry water’s so fuckin’ nasty. I don’t wanna swim through that shit. Just sits there like toilet water. Mosquitoes everywhere.

They gotta start killin’ the mosquitoes.

Coach: They’re God’s creatures! We can’t kill the mosquitoes. Don’t start this again.

Valentine: They’re nasty! What do they do for anybody?

Coach: Well, do you vote?

Valentine: No.

Coach: You’ve got no right to complain, then. If you want to get rid of ‘em so bad, cast your vote.

Valentine: I don’t do politics.

Valentine: Maybe it wouldn’t be such a problem if we didn’t have all this quarries sittin’ around.

Look at this! Look at all the stone they dug up! It was just minding its own business for millions of years in the middle of Indiana and they dug it up to build … what, a strip mall or something? You see any big majestic buildings around here?

Seriously, what the fuck do you think they even built out of it?

Coach: Hell if I know.

Valentine: And now we gotta wade through it so someone could build a Baskin-Robbins.

You know what we should do?

We should go up to Bloomington. We should play IU. Right now.

Coach: That ain’t in the playbook.

Valentine: I don’t give a shit.

Coach: I mean, what for though? They’ve got 80, 90 players up there. And you know they don’t even keep their ball there.

Valentine: Yeah, it’s perfect. We gotta get some reps in. We got one play against Vandy, it’s not enough.

Coach: You know how stupid that is. The job was to grab a football and bring it back north to the house.

That’s how we win. One ball at a time. That’s always been the plan. In the meantime, we run scrimmages to stay sharp. We scout out other teams and we plan for ‘em.

Valentine: It’s not the same, you know it’s not.

Look. We can take on ninety Indiana bums with our eight. You know we can. And you know Memorial Stadium’s a horseshoe. We won’t even have to grapple up the walls or anything, no turnstiles or gates or anything we’ll have to pass through.

Valentine: Come on.

Coach: No. I mean, no. It’s not the plan.

I hear you. I hear what you’re saying, and I know it’s an issue. I know we gotta stay in game shape. There are smarter ways to do that than this.

Don’t look at me like that.

Don’t look at me like that. I’m the coach of this football team and I’m telling you no.

Valentine: All right! All right.

Goddamn. I thought winning would be different.

Coach: You know this game’s all about waiting.

Valentine: I always knew that, but like.

I just ran up and stripped the ball without touching anybody and picked it up and ran a long way. That ain’t football. And now I’m about to go wade around in mosquito piss. And that ain’t football either.

Coach: It is now. Whatever it used to be doesn’t quite matter.

You could always quit.

Valentine: Ha. Yeah.

Every once in a while, I think about that.

And then I think, well, what the fuck else am I gonna do?