Hello, and welcome to your first day as an employee at Newcastle United Football Club! You’re joining a great team with a great history in English football. Our famous black and white shirts are known all around the world, but that’s not the only thing that we’re known for!
Welcome To Your First Day As An Employee At Newcastle! I’m Your Fearless Leader, Mike Ashley.
Newcastle United F.C. has a long and storied history of impatience, incompetence, and falling mere centimeters short of our goals on a regular basis. This history stretches all of the way back to the 1930s, but there is a good chance that you first became aware of our organization’s history of losing all focus and concentration in the most important moments in 1996. Here is a video clip of one of our proudest moments as a club.
Kevin Keegan did not start our legacy of failure, but he brought is into a new era of unparalleled mental breakdowns and choking. We’ve been proud to carry on King Kev’s dreams of ineptitude since 1996 and have been largely successful, despite some hiccups along the way.
Mr. Keegan created a new mission statement for Newcastle, and today, his mission endures. Here at Newcastle United Football Club, it is our mission to find competence and eliminate it from our organization. Our company has two core values: A can-do spirit and having no idea what the hell you’re doing. Recently, we lived up to those ideals more than we ever have before.
In early 2009, Alan Shearer oversaw the most successful period in our club’s history. Never before had we experienced such an incredible period of incompetence. A truly vapid individual, Mr. Shearer was able to lift our organization to new heights.
Recently, we have lost our way with Chris Hughton. I take personal responsibility for his hiring and his despicable display of competent management has deeply saddened me. However, Mr. Hughton has been relieved of his duties after failing to live up to our company’s core ideals. We are moving forward in our quest to build the most dire club in English football by removing competence from our organization with surgical precision.
Today, we’re starting a new chapter in the life of Newcastle United Football Club. Our highly-skilled think tank is hard at work, brainstorming new and creative ways for us to alienate two of our worst employees, Andy Carroll and Kevin Nolan. Together, as a family, we can eliminate competence from our club once and for all.
I am grateful that I can share this new chapter of your professional life with you, and welcome to Newcastle United Football Club!
Sincerely,
Mike Ashley
Owner/Chairman, Newcastle United Football Club
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