It’s a three-day Premier League weekend! How crazy. The pick of the matches is probably the clash between Birmingham and Blackburn at Ewood Park, mainly in the ‘I can’t look away sense’, but there should be enough excitement at both ends of the table to keep everyone entertained, at least until Tuesday’s Champions League game between Manchester United and Chelsea.
Premier League Weekend Preview: Expect Wins For Top 2 As Relegation Battle Heats Up
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Saturday
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs. Everton
Time: 12:45 PM GMT (7:45 AM EST)
I’m not really sure why you’d watch this game, to be honest, especially if there you’re one of our North American viewers. If football was a map, this would be ‘Here Be Dragons’ except with something much more boring than dragons. ‘Here be the land of minimal entertainment’, perhaps?
Pick: 0-0 Draw.
Time: 3:00PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
In keeping with the cartography theme, this game was the bit of the map that ended up accidentally ripped off, eaten by a cat, and vomited up as part of a sad little hairball in the corner. Egads. On the plus side, at least these two teams are concentrated into one match.
Pick: Misery.
Bolton Wanderers vs. West Ham United
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Fun! At last! Owen Coyle's surprisingly stylish side face off against Scott Parker and his surprisingly stylish hair. On the map, Parker's the one killing the dragons. With his eyes. Legend.
Pick: 3-2 Bolton.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Considering that Wigan have lost by a combined score of 14-0 over the last two matches between these sides, I'm pretty sure Chelsea could field a team with a little girl in it and be just fine, which means we'll probably be seeing Fernando Torres.
Pick: 4-0 Chelsea
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
With Wayne Rooney banned, maybe Fulham have a glimmer of ho... wait this isn't April Fools' day. They're screwed. Our map has Old Trafford as Angband.
Pick: 3-0 United.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Sunderland haven’t scored for so long that I’m pretty sure that they’re going to go into some sort of stack overflow and emerge with 255 goals all at once. Poor West Brom.
Pick: 256-1 Sunderland.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Since Tottenham have been suffering from something of a European hangover effect whenever they’ve done well in the Champions League, I’m going to assume that a hang-under’s going to hit the Londoners hard and they’ll obliterate Stoke.
Pick: 4-0 Tottenham.
Sunday
Time: 1:30 PM GMT (8:30 AM EST)
If Arsenal were on this football map of ours, they'd be... France. Or, more accurately, they'd be a hospital in France dedicated to patching footballer up just enough so that they can play 70 minutes before succumbing to another injury, which I guess is kind of a long label to fit on a map and largely hypothetical in the first place.
Pick: 2-1 Arsenal.
Aston Villa vs. Newcastle United
Time: 4:00 PM GMT (11:00 AM EST)
I spy, with my little eye, another false dawn for Villa, who last played an excellent game of football in August. False dawns don’t appear on maps. Don’t be sillly.
Pick: 2-0 Villa.
Monday
Time: 8:00 PM GMT (3:00 PM EST)
This game reminds me of the Peloponnesian War. Back then everyone thought it was suck a big deal but look back two weeks later and all you have is a bloody mess that only Thucydides cares about. If this were on a map, it would be at Anfield.
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
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