Blatter: FIFA Could Be Sucked In To Black Hole, Fans Rejoice

“The election of 1 June could cause a tectonic movement with irreversible damage. What is at stake is nothing less than the survival of FIFA. The issue of whether this world footballing organisation, developed with success over the years, will continue to exist after this date or, whether it will instead be sucked into a black hole.” -Sepp Blatter

Good ‘ol Sepp Blatter penned an open letter to the Italian newspaper Gazzetta dello Sport - you can read read the entire letter here - in which he equates the upcoming FIFA presidential election to the kind of stuff you’re more likely used to reading in the book of Revelation.

Seriously, are there any soccer fans left on the planet that wouldn’t get some level of joy from the idea of FIFA being sucked in to a black hole? I certainly don’t wish an early demise on any fellow human, but if anyone deserves to undergo “spaghettification” (it’s real term) and have their particles pulled apart at a sub-atomic level, it’s Sepp Blatter and the rest of those corrupt thieves (allegedly?) at FIFA. We can only hope that Sepp Blatter is actually a mythical prophet and his Nostradamus-like words will come true...but we all know better.

It’s really dramatic stuff, but it’s ultimately another expulsion of hot air from one of the world’s largest gas bags. How many other soccer related letters have you ever read that reference irreversible damage, plate tectonics and black holes? To be honest, the more interesting story for me would be where he, or whoever wrote this glorious bit of modern literature, came up with this. Did Blatter or his ghost writer fall asleep watching the Science Channel? No wait, I’ve got it, it sounds like someone has been drinking iowaska tea with Robin Quivers.

Here’s the truth of the matter, Blatter is getting re-elected on June 1st and I can only conclude that this apocalyptic soothsaying from our “favorite” footy figurehead is more about deflecting attention away from the allegations leveled in the British Parliament this week. After all, what better way to distract the masses from ugly suggestions of bribery and the purchasing of World Cup bids then by going off like a tent rivial preacher about the end of FIFA, and presumably soccer, as we know it.

Get our your sandwich boards people! The end is near!