Hearts Board Blames Mafia For Everything

Scottish Premier League team Hearts finished 3rd last season, meaning that they actually won the non-Old-Firm part of the league (they should hand out a trophy for that). However, a few of their players have gotten into trouble with the law recently, and apparently defender Craig Thomson being put on the sex offenders’ register after ‘indecent internet conversations’ with (very) underage girls was the last straw, and the Hearts board has been driven to insanity as a result.

Check it:

Over a short space of time 4 players at our club have been on the wrong end of the law. We note that 3 of them are represented by the same agent - Gary Mackay - who has been so vicious in his attacks against Mr Romanov. Taking into account the facts that have been omitted by the media it can be presumed that each of these cases is not a coincidence, but the result of targeted actions of a mafia that wants to manipulate the club and the results.

I really hope that they’re implying that Thomson’s agent (assuming Thomson is one of the three represented by Mackay) drove him to send explicit pictures of himself to thirteen year old girls. Because, while awful - and I certainly don’t want to make light of sexual predation here, because it’s clearly not funny at all - the thought process to get to that statement from what happened implies some deep, incurable insanity on the part of the board, and that can only lead to humour.

Every year Hearts fights to be in the top 3, but even last season in the last 12 games of the season it was almost like someone replaced the team with a different one. Whose fault is that? Players? Manager’s? Or it is mafia[?] Stealing players, bad games, problems with the law - all of that on top of record SFA [Scottish Football Association] fines. Problems are just shifted to another level.

We are seriously getting all illuminati here. I’d just like to point out that, as a soccer fan, the mafia is not my next choice in explaining performance after players and managers, unless I am watching Serie A*. And frankly, it’s a pretty weird mafia who’d try and incur fines that the SFA would pick up. Unless... the SFA... are... the mafia... Whoa, this problem has just been shifted to another level!

*Joke!

Plus, y’know, they did actually manage to finish third.

Mafia are dragging kids into the crime, in order to blackmail and profit on them. It is not possible to separate these people from pedophiles, and you don’t need to do that. Each year we are forced to fight against these maniacs harder and harder. We are standing in their way not letting them manipulate the game of football in the way they want. As such they undermine us in every possible way they can.

I literally have no idea what they’re talking about here. It could be symbolic. It could be absolute nonsense. Considering what’s come before, I’m inclined to go with nonsense. The pedophile line is particularly weird though, since Hearts are continuing to employ a convicted one.

All in all, I think we can probably conclude that Hearts are totally, totally insane.