Copa America Final 2011, Uruguay Vs. Paraguay: Diego Forlan Brace Guides Uruguay To Victory

Obviously, this would be an outrage, a disgrace, an abomination, and all the other synonyms for spluttering that-ain’t-rightness. It would also be exceptionally funny. But, more importantly, it would also be another triumph for the glory and horror of penalties: as compelling and brilliant an invention as football has ever offered the world.

Part of this is the fascinating thing that is the penalty itself. In a game as fluid as football, to be given a simple, straightforward, distinct moment is a rare and unusual thing. The agonies of the penalty for those involved - do I shoot left I always shoot left but he might know I always shoot left so I should shoot right but he knows that I know that he might know so I should shoot left - are well documented, and have been the subject of academic study as well as fiction and film. Two opponents, alone with one another, fighting in the autoclave. It’s almost gladiatorial.