Ligue 1 Preview, Week 1: Does Anyone Else Smell Oil?

Time: 19:00 CET/3:00 PM EST

Ajaccio make their return to the top flight for the first time since 2006, while Toulouse will look to build off of a slight bounce-back season, jumping to 8th in the table after finishing 14th is 2009/10.

Some fun facts about Ajaccio: When they first became a professional club in 1965, their crest featured an adorable polar bear which has long been since replaced with some dragons and a guy about to get shot or something. They also used to play their home games on a field build on top of a gigantic sand pit.

Some fun facts about Toulouse: the French health ministry has commissioned studies to determine whether watching their games can be prescribed as a sleep aid. Toulouse’s achievement of allowing the fewest goals against in the league and still finishing with just a +2 differential has been declared a miracle by the Archbishop of Glasgow.

Pick: Toulouse, 2-1

Time: 19:00 CET/3:00 PM EST

Lille surprised a lot of people last season, riding an excellent core of young players to their first Ligue 1 title in 57 years. They lost some very talented players, most notably Gervinho, Adil Rami and Yohan Cabaye, and though they were able to bring some talented players in as well (Dimitri Payet the most notable signing) it’s going to be a difficult task for them to repeat last season’s success.

Nancy ended last season on very high note. After looking for all the world like a sure bet for relegation they went on a fantastic run to pull themselves to safety over the last four, drawing away to PSG and winning their final three by a combined score of 9-0. If they can build off of that momentum it will be the first time any team in any sports ever managed to carry momentum through an entire off-season.

Pick: Lille, 3-1

Time: 19:00 CET/3:00 PM EST

Évian earned promotion by winning Ligue 2, and they did so by playing very attractive attacking football. If Caen is any example, this will confuse the mid-table Ligue 1 sides so much that relegation can be avoided.

Pick: Draw, 1-1

Time: 19:00 CET/3:00 PM EST

Caen are my surprise pick to burst into the top half this season, and I wouldn’t be shocked if they manage to make at least a little bit of a run for one of the cups.

Of course I also did a lot of experimental hallucinogenic designer drugs when I was younger. It’s probably just because their shirts are colorful.

Pick: Caen, 3-1

Time: 19:00 CET/3:00 PM EST

This looks like one of the more promising games on the slate, two very entertaining teams, both with designs on Europe and in Marseille’s case the league. Sochaux’s return to the top end of the table will give the club hope that their struggles are behind them.

Of course now that PSG have like a billion dollars it’s not like any of this matters anyway.

Time: 19:00 CET/3:00 PM EST

Nice scored 11 goals away from home last season. 11! I recognize that this game is being played in Nice, but man. How did this team not get relegated. If I were a Monaco supporter I’d show up at every single one of their games and just shout “SHAME!” for 90 minutes.

Pick: Lyon, 2-0

Time: 19:00 CET/3:00 PM EST

Manchester City: We are interested in Javier Pastore.

Palermo: Well, as much as we hate to see a player of such quality leave, that is the business of football. However, you will have to meet our valuation-and it is a valuation from which we will not be moved.

Manchester City: That is understandable, but you must understand that our days of being extorted are over. And since Pastore would be merely a nice addition rather than a core component of our plans, we might have some difficulty reaching a deal.

Chelsea: We are very interested in Pastore, and we are prepared to engage in very aggressive negotiation for his services. We feel that he is just what is needed at this time in the club’s history.

Palermo: Well, that is certainly welcome news. I think that a good starting point in negotia-

PSG: We will be buying Pastore.

Chelsea: lol

Manchester City: That is adorable.

Palermo: You are French.

PSG: Here is €43 million.

Chelsea: what

Manchester City: what

Palermo: Sold.

PSG: Meep, meep!

Manchester City: Well I’ll be damned.

Chelsea: This big money foreign investment is ruining football.

Pick: PSG, 3-1

Sunday

Time: 15:00 CET/11:00 AM EST

I know this is the ignorant American in me coming out, but Dijon should be ashamed for not wearing yellow at home.

Pick: Stade Rennes, 2-1

Time: 19:00 CET/3:00 PM EST

Oh yeah this was a great choice of fixtures to close out the weekend. Good job schedulers. Way to put the best of the best on display in a marquee slot.

Pick: Bordeaux, 1-0