English Premier League 2011, Week 6 Preview And Fixtures: A Basic Economics Lesson

Saturday September 24th

12:45 GMT (7:45 AM EST); Etihad Stadium

(Gym teacher) Hey everyone! It’s opposite day!

(*small children cheer*)

(Gym teacher) Now, those of you in dark blue, move to the left.

(*pitter-patter of wee little Merseysidian feet*)

(Gym teacher) Okay, children in dark blue, move to the right.

(*Traipsing of soot-covered proletarian tootsies*)

(Gym teacher) Very good children. Now, those of you on the left, you choose which team takes possession first. You’ll take possession? Wonderful. Well done! Okay, those of you on the right? Here is £300,000,000. Pick your team as you will.

(Underfed, waifish child in dark blue) But teacher, I thought you said this was opposite day?

(Gym teacher) What have we learned?

(Dark blue-clad child) That...life is the...opposite...of fair?

(Gym teacher) Very good!

Pick: Manchester City, 3-1

15:00 GMT (10:00 AM EST); Emirates Stadium

Arsenal has a fairly ridiculous amount of young talent at their disposal, but they’re seemingly unable to harness it all at once. But you know, at least it’s theirs. Bolton is the league’s depository of young talent that’s not quite good enough to feature for the big clubs, but they’re doing it right, or something.

Basically, these teams are indistinguishable aside from the fact that one club that will actually reap the benefits of the young players they are developing and likely return to glory sooner than later, but to keep pace with the terrible analysis of a shockingly high number of pundits I will tut-tuttingly say:

Pick: Bolton, 11-0

15:00 GMT (10:00 AM EST); Stamford Bridge

Here is where I say something about the failed methods of a club that dare reach beyond its standing and then here is another place where I say something about the bravery of another club or something or I don’t know Wales or somesuch or is anybody buying this?

Pick: Chelsea, 4-1

15:00 GMT (10:00 AM EST); Anfield

A certain neutral, Anglophile segment of the population is going to go blind if it keeps doing that. For shame.

Pick: Liverpool, 2-0

15:00 GMT (10:00 AM EST); St. James’ Park

Wait, this is an actual game of football that is actually happening? I mean, people are going to watch this? At what is likely a not insignificant cost? Man. Oh man. I think I’m pretty firmly against modern football now. Jeez. Thanks for sounding the alarm bells, Sweden.

Pick: Newcastle, 1-0

15:00 GMT (10:00 AM EST); The Hawthorns

I’m pretty sure this game is like eight different eras fighting against each other in the ether; Roberto Di Matteo vs. Martin Jol vs. Mark Hughes vs. Roy Hodgson vs. SUPER MECHA MARTIN O’NEILL AND ULTRA SUPER RAFA BENITEZ for some reason.

Pick: West Brom, 1-0

15:00 GMT (10:00 AM EST); The DW Stadium

If any team ever was going to be picked to lose to Wigan, it would probably be this Spurs team. I mean, come on dudes. Don’t you remember when you were the hope of like 140 English clubs?

Pick: Spurs, 3-1

17:30 GMT (12:30 AM EST); Britannia Stadium

This is such an annoying game. Of course Rooney could do it on a cold night at the Britannia. That’s like 90% of his mystique. But it’s so much worse now that Stoke are somehow flukily decent. I mean yeah, the odds are good that Stoke is going to beat United or City or Liverpool or Chelsea or Arsenal or something at home. Does that mean Kenwyne Jones is the next real savior of England? No, of course not. Kenwyne Jones is terrible. Come on everyone.

Pick: United, 7-1

16:00 GMT (11:00 AM EST); Loftus Road

Here is a free preview of the audio play by play!

*punt*

*punt*

*punt*

*punt*

*punt*

*KICK*

*punt*

*KICK*

*KICK*

*WHISTLE*

*punt*

*kick*

*kick*

*punt*

*GOAL*

*KICK*

*KICK*

*KICK*

*KICK*

*KICK*

*WHISTLE*

*punt*

Pick: Draw, 1-1