Sepp Blatter Explains The Always-Reliable FIFA World Rankings

It’s time for the monthly release of the newest FIFA rankings! Who’s excited? You? Yeah, you look excited. Also excited are the students at the FIFA Institute For Intelligent Discourse, who are being lectured by FIFA President Sepp Blatter on the latest rankings.

Blatter: The rankings are a source of pride for FIFA and we know that the federations and teams around the world look forward to rankings day every month. In fact, several countries have legislation in place to turn it into a monthly holiday.

Student: Ummm, Mr. Blatter, what countries are doing that?

Blatter: HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT THE GRAND EMPEROR OF FIFA! But for your information, Luggnagg is one of those countries.

Now back to the matter at hand, Spain remains atop the newest rankings, but we have a new No. 2. Germany has moved to second, with Uruguay third and the Netherlands dropping to fourth place.

Among the big jumpers are Portugal, Croatia and Denmark, who each moved up two spots. Portugal are now fifth, Croatia are eighth and Denmark ninth. That means a one-spot drop for Brazil to sixth, England to seventh and a two-spot drop for Argentina to 10th.

Student: Wait. How is there all this movement when of all the teams you mentioned, only Brazil played since the last rankings were released. How do teams get worse or better when they’re not playing?

Blatter: I wouldn’t expect you all to understand it. It’s a complicated system and without having an intense background running the Swiss Ice Hockey Federation like me you just couldn’t make sense of it.

Student: Could you at least try to explain?

Blatter: Well, there were matches from four years ago that are no longer taken into consideration anymore and that can chan...

Student: So matches England, Portugal and the rest played four years ago are indicative of how good they are?

Blatter: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT INTERRUPTING THE GRAND EMPEROR?!

I will not speak about this anymore. If you have a problem, direct it to the ethics board and I will make sure to dispose of it.

You are students at the FIFA Institute For Intelligent Discourse. Where you learned to ask questions and think logically is beyond me, but I will ensure this never comes from this university ever again. This is a sham.

Student: Mr. Blatter, do you really expect us to sit here and take this?

Blatter: Of course I do. The rest of the world does. Now let us shake hands and move on.

April FIFA Rankings