We're halfway through the group stages now and there's only one question on everybody's lips: why on earth did Mario Balotelli take off his shirt and burn it in front of the Kop? No, wait. Who is going to win the Champions League? Well, we at SB Nation aim to please, and so we've not just got one answer. We've got five. All of these teams are definitely going to win the Champions League.
All 5 of these teams will win the Champions League
It’s science.
Alexander Hassenstein
Real Madrid: They've got the best player
By his own high standards, Cristiano Ronaldo had quite a quiet night at Anfield. But a quiet night for him means just the one goal (an absolutely gorgeous dink from an equally beautiful James scoop-pass) that should probably have been two (an uncharacteristic failure to slot home a one-on-one). That, along with the fact that Madrid effectively knocked off at half-time, sort of serves to illustrate quite how ludicrously he's started this season.
Bill Shankly once said that building a football team was like a running a small jazz club: you need one bloke to play the piano, two or three to work the bar, one on the door, a couple working the tables, a manager, a rotating cast of guest musicians, and maybe somebody to do a bit of advertising. We honestly have no idea what he was talking about. But while Ronaldo’s supporting cast is glittery, he is the glitteriest. If you needed one footballer to take apart any other team on the planet, he’s the one you would turn to.
Borussia Dortmund: They've got the greatest need
In Germany, Dortmund have played eight games, won just the two, lost five and have a goal difference of minus-4. In Europe they've played three, won them all, and have scored nine unanswered goals. Perhaps it's the futility of attempting to compete with Bayern over an entire season; perhaps it's the departure of Robert Lewandowski; perhaps Shinji Kagawa's turned up with loads of helpful tips that he learned from David Moyes. Whatever the reason, Dortmund are in trouble at home, and while there's still plenty of time for Jürgen Klopp's entertainers to clamber back up the table, it doesn't look like they'll be winning the title this year.
Indeed, Champions League qualification might even be in the balance, so it could well be triumph on the continent, or bust. Bust, here, being a wholesale raid on their playing staff by seductive big clubs with deep pockets; there’s arguably no side that needs European football more, since there are few sides as vulnerable to the songs of the sirens. Listen, Mats/Marco/Ilkay/Neven/Henrikh, you should be playing in the big time. Have you seen the size of this paypacket? Desperation is a powerful motive force.
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More Champions League
Barcelona: They've got the biggest improvement coming
Thus far, Barcelona have played like a team missing an important player. This is because they are a team missing an important player. Most of the familiar elements are present and correct, from the technically breathtaking forwards to the shonky defence, and yet something important is missing. Something vital. Something energising. The only way this side could be readier for Luis Suarez is if they’d covered themselves in ketchup.
Restricting ourselves for the moment to his footballing attributes — Barcelona obviously don’t give a toss about any of his humanitarian work, so let’s play this on their turf — there is, in theory, something more important than goals for Suarez to bring to Catalonia, and that’s the underrated footballing ability of ‘being a complete and total scrote’. This Barcelona side are brilliant but they’re almost embarrassingly polite, and that’s perhaps the one criticism that the Uruguayan has never had to wear.
Chelsea: They're quite good in a variety of ways, none of which are quite spectacular enough to constitute a reason in themselves, yet all add up to a team that could well win the thing.
Yeah. That.
Bayern Munich: They've got the best team
Narrow victories against European minnows like Manchester City and CSKA Moscow are valuable things, of course, but the Champions League has been waiting for the real Bayern Munich to turn up. And lo, they did, and in some style too. Rome sacked by the barbarians again, only this time with short passing instead of pillaging. Much more civilised.
Ultimately, everybody else has a weakness. Barcelona have a dodgy defence. Madrid have a soft-centred midfield. Chelsea lack depth up front, and Dortmund lack depth everywhere. Bayern, by contrast, are overflowing with more talents than the King of Persia's treasury, and there are only two ways they could fail to win this competition. One, they may not have quite come to terms with the vulnerability to pace and power that Real Madrid exposed so ruthlessly last time around. Or two, Pep Guardiola might take himself to his logical conclusion and pick Manuel Neuer in midfield.
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