During World Cups, even ones in which your own country is competing, it is mandatory to adopt another team. One that has nothing to do with you. In fact, it might even be more than mandatory. It might be something unavoidable, a bit like an allergy. “Oh dear, this always happens. I’ve come down with a nasty case of GET IN CAMEROON DO THIS LOT COME ON. Could you pass the tissues?”
Why you should adopt Japan as your second team at the World Cup
With the World Cup getting ever closer, it’s time to come to terms with an inevitable truth. You’re going to end up supporting Japan.
Mark Kolbe
Why this happens, nobody knows. However, keen observation of past cases have revealed that there are a number of contributing factors, the pollinating flowers that provoke this particular reaction, and we think we're in a position to predict precisely where it's going to happen next. We've crunched the data, we've consulted the oracle, we've pored over the entrails of a wide range of farmyard animals, and we can exclusively reveal that for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, your second team is going to be Japan. Why? Well, here are all the things that a second team need to be ...
Reason the first: They're pretty good. Here we turn to the wisdom of Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers. According to England's foremost expert in not winning things in an entertaining manner, "you can live many days without water, but you can't live a second without hope." So, like Japan, any second team has to come with a decent basic level of ability. Nobody's here to fall in love with Honduras that wasn't in love with Honduras already.
* Any lawsuits arising from failed attempts to exist on positive thinking alone should be directed to Mr B. Rodgers, Esq, Anfield, Liverpool.
Reason the second: But, at the same time, not one of the favourites. That's just tacky. Oh, you've gone with Spain, have you? Oh, well done you. Congratulations. Basically, if your second team has actually won the competition before, then you're cheating and should be shunned in polite society. Yes, France-boy, I mean you [ :( - ed].
Reason the third: They're in a reasonably friendly part of the draw. This means, realistically, with a decent chance of getting though to the knock-out stage, which is what we're all here for, after all. Rather perfectly, Japan have been thrown into a tricky but by no means impossible Group C, alongside a good (but Falcao-less) Colombia, a decent (but ageing) Ivory Coast, and a rubbish (and hideous) Greece. They could win all three games and top the group; they could lose them all and bomb out in disgrace.
Group C pairs with Group D in the knock-outs, so progress will likely mean one of Italy, England and Uruguay. Japan, while they would doubtless be second favourites against all three, have the capacity verve to get right up the noses of any of them. And the last time they ran into Italy in Brazil, it was brilliant and they were desperately unlucky. More on that later.
Reason the fourth: Comprised of a range of players, from the famous to the obscure. The ideal second-team squad should contain a broad range: one or two footballers attached to the world’s largest clubs, plenty more scattered around the mid-to-lower reaches of Europe, and then a couple of veterans and/or youngsters attached to clubs back in the domestic leagues. This allows you, the viewer, to connect with a couple of players straight off the bat, while still allowing space for somebody or other to emerge as a cult figure of affection.
So it is with Japan: Keisuke Honda and Shinji Kagawa ply their trades at AC Milan and Manchester United, who may have been utter dreck last season but still just about count as big clubs. They're the way in. But once the tournament gets going, you'll suddenly find yourself warming to the prolific Shinji Okazaki, currently of Mainz, or central midfielder Yasuhito Endo, veteran of over 400 appearances for Gamba Osaka and well over 100 for his country, or other central midfielder Hotaru Yamaguchi, one of the J. League's best young players. Don't resist. It's perfectly natural. You have so much love to give.
Reason the fifth: Fortunate in all the other stuff. Other stuff here means all the completely unimportant, extremely important things, and Japan punches well above average. Strong flag? Check. Attractive kit? Check. Decent badge? Check. Some recent moodiness against a local neighbour? Screw you, South Korea. And a sprinkling of sultry handsomeness? Why, hello there, Hotaru Yamaguchi.
If that wasn’t enough, here’s the anthem. It’s a beautiful, fragile little thing, one completely wasted on 11 tone-deaf footballers. “Until the pebbles grow into boulders lush with moss.”
Reason the sixth: Fun. This is the most important point. They must be fun. Watching them must be pleasurable. Because they’re going to become your second team not out of any attempt to look good, not to scratch some indefinable itch, and not because you read somebody on the internet saying so. Pleasure is both the provocation and the point.
And this Japan sde under Alberto Zaccheroni are definitely fun. In full flow, they are the very image of free-flowing, modern football, all quick-passing triangles, intricate movement and attackers popping up where defenders don’t expect them to be. Yet even as they can attack like dervishes, they can also defend like drunks, sometimes all at the same time. Here are the highlights of the last time they ran into Italy.
And there we have it. Essentially, the only other choice that fits all the criteria is Chile, and everybody did that last time. Forward the Samurai Blue.
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