Premier League 2014 schedule and preview

Manchester United vs. Swansea City

If you’re a fan of the Premier League, you’ve been somewhat deprived of real, serious football since the end of the World Cup. You might even have started watching friendlies. You might have tuned into the Community Shield. It’s all right. You can admit it. You’re amongst friends here.

But the madness of the offseason ends here, allowing a rather different level of madness to begin in its place. Manchester United versus Swansea City would be worth watching simply by virtue of it being the first meaningful match of the Premier League season, but beyond that there are a slew of other reasons to brave the early kickoff time and focus on the match.

First and foremost is Louis van Gaal. Last season’s managerial antics were dominated by Jose Mourinho at Chelsea; this year there will be a personality to match the Portuguese at the helm at Manchester United. Gone are the meek, tepid days of David Moyes (a manager who, coincidentally, kicked off his ill-fated season against these very same Swans), replaced instead by a manager widely regarded as one of the founders of modern football, with a wit and ego to match. Tactical astuteness, deep relationships with his players and brutal putdowns of journalists in press conferences will be the order of the day. There won’t be any public executions — this isn’t Felix Magath we’re talking about, after all — but we can certainly expect an intoxicating blend of insanity at Old Trafford this year. This match represents everyone’s first chance to see him in action.

On the other side of the managerial divide is Garry Monk and what looks like fairly rag-tag band compared to the glittering if slightly insane riches of United. This Swansea side is virtually unrecognisable from its first Premier League incarnation, and having lost a pair of key players in Michel Vorm and Ben Davies, will be hoping to integrate the likes of Jefferson Montero and Bafetimbi Gomis quickly enough to avoid getting thrown into the relegation fight. And what better place to get acclimatised than Old Trafford?

Much fun will be had by all.

West Ham vs. Tottenham Hotspur

It’s hard not to feel sorry for West Ham. A club most famous for boasting that they provided much of England’s 1966 World Cup winners have been something of a mess in recent years, enjoying an existence with virtually no highs and plenty of lows. It’s been like that for so much of the clubs history that one imagines that the World Cup win might’ve been the result of a Faustian pact by some patriotic supporter, forever dooming his team to mediocrity in exchange for fifty-year-old reflected glory.

West Ham’s transfers have usually resulted in them either buying cheaply and ending up with a load of dross, or buying expensively and ending up with a load of dross. The latter strategy is why Andy Carroll, Stewart Downing and Matt Jarvis are hogging much of the wage bill, although they did appear to have bought well this season and have a solid if spectacularly unspectacular manager in Sam Allardyce.

Unfortunately, this is West Ham. They lost almost every game in pre-season, have looked like a trainwreck, and there are reportedly tensions between the manager, the board, and certain players he intends not to play. They’re as much of an unknown quantity as one of England’s most depressing football teams could ever be, and they open the season against London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur, who are similarly unpredictable but far more stable.

Spurs have their traditional new manager, but haven’t really bought much so far. Ben Davies is an astute signing, but this is mostly the same squad that struggled under André Villas-Boas and Tim Sherwood. It’s been only slightly rebalanced, and still has both major flaws that need to be addressed and gambles that will need to pay off in order for them to achieve success. Most strikingly, Nabil Bentaleb and Harry Kane will have to really push on in their development, and Roberto Soldado will have to remember how to score from open play. This being Tottenham, the most likely result is that they all make feints towards greatness and then fall amusingly short.

So, this is an opening-weekend battle between two sides we know inside out and not at all. And beyond that it’s a match between two sides used to very different types of tragedy. Supporting West Ham is like watching your dad being beaten up once a year. Supporting Tottenham is like watching him get the million-pound question wrong on a daytime quiz show. And this, really, is what football is all about.

Liverpool vs. Southampton

Sunday kicks off with the sort of fixture every soccer fan is going to want to watch. Not because it's pitting two long-standing rivals against one another. Not because the match might be an early title-decider. Rather, it's a case of revenge, of a possible rivalry-in-the-making. Or, at least, the chance for Southampton to get their own back.

The Saints are a decimated side. Tottenham swiped manager Mauricio Pochettino, Manchester United dropped vast sums for fullback Luke Shaw. But it was Liverpool that shamelessly plundered the squad, taking forward Rickie Lambert, midfielder Adam Lallana, and defender Dejan Lovren. While Southampton may have received far more cash than they likely deserved, they've done little to replicate players lost, unless you count spending £12m on Shane Long.

But a result against Liverpool, particularly at Anfield, would go a long way to helping Ronald Koeman settle into his seat in the Saints' dugout. Finding revenge against the now-despised Reds will surely give the fans reason to adore their new manager, and build that all-important confidence amongst the team. Plus, the desire to win just may prompt Koeman to go all-out against Liverpool, a strategy that rarely fails to provide entertainment.

Particularly as Liverpool, too, should be on the front foot from the first whistle. They've been desperately trying to cover for the loss of Luis Suárez by bringing in new name after new name, but if no one's sinking goals, it'll matter little. Preseason suggests scoring won't be a problem, but when as preseason ever predicted a title? No, Liverpool have a point to prove, and the only way they'll do it is with a trophy. That means three points, right from the start -- and if not that, some hilarious slips that will leave neutrals clutching their sides.