Thirty-seven down, one to go: the Greatest League in the World is nearly over. Ahead of England stretches a long, Premier League-vacant summer filled only with cricket, sunburn and dropped ice-cream cones; a sweaty and sticky purgatory that drags on until ... wait, the Community Shield’s on August 2? Wow, that’s early.
Why you should watch the Premier League’s final day
Boring? Already over? Nonsense. The last day of the Premier League has something for everybody.
Charles Pertwee/Getty Images
Before that, however, comes the final day of the season. A cursory glance at the table might suggest that this final day has very little to offer, and a quick glance back through the history books confirms that there hasn’t been a final day so apparently lacking in drama since ... oh, hang on. 2012/13 wasn’t much cop. Huh.
Anyway, never fear. We at SB Nation Soccer are here to help. Whoever you are, and whichever team you support, there’s something going on for you. This final day can be interesting. Here’s how you do it ...
1. Support Hull City or Newcastle United
Well, "interesting" was once a curse. Of the 20 teams that will jog out onto the 10 pitches this weekend, 18 already know which league they'll be in next season. Just one relegation place remains, and it's one of these two who will be joining Burnley and Queens Park Rangers in the strange, dark, secretly really fun world of the Championship.
Assessing their fixtures and relative positions on the basis of what's gone before and common sense, Hull are the clear favourites to go down: not only do they have two fewer points than their rivals, but they've got to play Manchester United, who are a bit better than Newcastle's opponents West Ham. But! This is the last day of the season, and odd things happen.
West Ham have, according to the Times, been excused from training for most of this week. Is that another advantage to a (presumably quite up for it) Newcastle? Or are the tired and emotionally bruised Geordies going to find themselves unpicked by some carefree, relaxed football? Probably the former, but you never know. There's also the complicating factor of Sam Allardyce on the West Ham bench: he was unceremoniously and (in his view) unfairly ejected from the Newcastle dugout back in 2008, and if there's one certainty in this chaotic universe, it's that Big Sam bears his grudges.
Over at Hull, meanwhile, there’s always the possibility that Louis van Gaal might spring a surprise or two: pick a couple of the kids, maybe, or stick the lady who plays the saxophone (so beautifully) up front. So Hull could be in with a chance. Unless, that is, Louis van Gaal’s been reading this ...
2. Support Manchester United or Arsenal (or Aston Villa)
... or looking at the table. Because Arsenal's failure to beat Sunderland on Wednesday (despite achieving 173% possession) has blown the Race for Third wide open. OK, so the Race for Third is perhaps the most contrived and miserable of all the Race for This, That or The Others that the Premier League have ever thrown up. And yes, it's not so much wide open and almost entirely closed. We'll take whatever we can get.
Three points separate Arsenal and United. The north Londoners are at home to West Bromwich Albion, and Arsene Wenger has intimated that he may rest one or two key players ahead of next weekend's FA Cup final. So if Arsenal lose — and remember that West Brom are managed by Tony Pulis, who is magnificently obdurate, and just dissected Chelsea, who are a significantly better team than Arsenal — and United win, then there's just the small matter of a seven-goal swing in goal difference to be made up. Improbable? Yes. Impossible? No. Get nervous, north London.
Aston Villa, Arsenal's opponents next Saturday, are also likely to get in on the resting players act. But given that a full-strength team got gubbed 6-1 by Southampton last weekend, there's always the chance that Tim Sherwood, noted free-thinker, considerable maverick and outside-of-the-box botherer that he is, might be auditioning for a spot or two in the Cup Final lineup. This is your chance ... [checks Villa squad list] ... Carles Gil! Get out there and show Tim what you can do!
3. Support Chelsea or Sunderland
In the blue corner, the side that ... oh, look, they’ve fallen asleep. Wake them up! Quickly! At the end of this game, Chelsea are going to receive a big shiny silver trophy, the validation of all their hard work. And they’re going to jump around, gurn, spray champagne over one another, and somebody’s going to put the lid on their head. Our money’s on Oscar. He’ll look good in a crown.
As for Sunderland, well, just think about how terrifying this game looked a couple of months ago. Then relax. You don’t have to do this again for a whole ‘nother year!
4. Support one of Liverpool, Tottenham and Southampton
Like many other aspects of the European project, like the single currency or the notion that individuals have inviolable human rights that should be protected in law above all else, the Europa League hasn’t quite caught on in England. Spanish clubs, Italian clubs, Portuguese clubs, German clubs ... all have put their heads down, rolled their sleeves up, and had a proper crack at winning the thing.
England’s mezzanine sides, however, tend to take the view that regular Thursday night football is a major inconvenience in their pursuit of next season’s targets. This frequently ends up being qualification for the Europa League, again, ensuring that these clubs are locked in an endless cycle of self-perpetuating okayishness, forever being weighted down by their own moderate achievements.
Anyway, Sunday. Liverpool are currently in fifth with 62 points and are away at Stoke City, Spurs have 61 and visit Everton, and Southampton have 60 and travel to Manchester City. If Aston Villa win the FA Cup final, then the team in seventh misses out; if Villa lose, as the odds suggest they will, then all three will qualify. So in that sense, the final order doesn't matter: chances are that all three are going to get Europa-ed.
But in another sense it does. The lowest-placed qualifying team in the league — that’s the team in sixth if Villa win; the team in seventh if they don’t — has to go into the qualifying stage of the Europa League. And that means an early start to next season. A very early start. The 2015/16 Premier League begins on August 8; the first leg of the Europa League qualifier will be played on July 30.
In short: whichever team finishes sixth has to hope that Arsenal beat Aston Villa, lest their holidays be cut short and their preseason plans thrown into chaos. Even Tottenham.
There is, finally, one other sense in which the final order is important. A month or so ago, once it became clear that Liverpool were unlikely to secure a place in the top four, Brendan Rodgers made the point that in his view, and despite the targets that had been set for him this season, fifth place was par. Arguable, but not totally unreasonable. But Liverpool is already an unhappy club set for a turbulent summer. and sixth or seventh — that is, the manager and the team falling short of their already downgraded expectations — will only make things more interesting.
5. Support literally anybody else
See all those words up there? All those permutations and possibilities and what ifs? You can ignore them. You can sit back, a glass of something chilled and pleasant in your hands, and watch consequence-free football unfold in front of your eyes. You can watch with tolerant amusement as your team, made up as it is of kids, reserves, and the soon to-be out-of-contract, ship four goals in the first half. Smile. Laugh, even. Have another glass of something chilled and pleasant. They can’t hurt you now. It’s over. It’s all over.
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