Most of the time, here at the Alternative Goal of the Week, we try to make at least a nod in the direction of quality. It’s not everything, but it is something, we think to ourselves. And good goals are nice.
Alternative Premier League Goal of the Week: Appealing for offside from behind the goal line
On what was a bit of a miserable Premier League weekend, we managed to find three goals that we loved. Well, that we felt were notable in their rubbishness.
Shaun Botterill/Getty Images
Sometimes, though, it’s just lemon after lemon, and nobody in the league has any time for making -ade. This weekend, Britain looked on in resignation as the rain washed the summer away. Here, then, are three exercises in futility, misery and humiliation, that — while individually quite amusing — combine to reinforce the existential horror of being a sentient mind trapped in a decaying body a universe that is trying to destroy you and doesn’t even care that it is trying to destroy you. It’s like they all knew it was transfer deadline day.
3. Bafetimbi Gomis vs. Manchester United
Credit: user Camaradona on r/soccer
OK, so they're not all bad: here, Andre Ayew conjures a frankly gorgeous through ball with the outside of his foot. One of those passes that creates space previously there was none. A beautiful thing. And Gomis' finish is ... well, it's OK. He hits it at the goal, at least, which is more than what Wayne Rooney managed for most of his day.
But oh, oh dear, oh no, oh Sergio Romero. One for the namesakes: a stop of such horror that George would have been proud; a save gibbed so bloodily it would have delighted John. It gets worse with each viewing, until eventually something clicks and you realize that he has performed the remarkable feat of jumping out of the way of the ball while simultaneously jumping over it. How he manages that without dislocating something is beyond our ken.
It’s trite to point out that of the five goalkeepers that Manchester United had on their books for this game, four — the other four — would have saved this. Chances are that most of the outfielders could have done better as well. In fact, if a father did that in the backyard to a shot from his kid, the kid would stop, put his hands on his hips, and say in a cool, calm voice: “Dad. Come on. There’s no need to be patronizing. Now, hold still while I pop your leg back in.”
2. Mark Noble vs. Liverpool
Credit: user Thankyouedge on r/soccer
But then, Sergio Romero was never meant to be the solution to anything; only a stopgap while Louis van Gaal sat David de Gea on the naughty step and threw every other keeper out of the club. Dejan Lovren, on the other hand, was brought to Liverpool as a defensive leader, only to spend much of last season clattering around like a man desperately missing a Jose Fonte-shaped comfort blanket.
Still, one shouldn’t be too cruel. Everybody has dodgy starts; everybody takes time to adjust. Liverpool are a big club with grand traditions and heavy expectations, and it’s not like the rest of the team were much cop, either. This season, the second; this was his time. And after a summer of reflection and regrouping, Lovren returned to the team in what looked like decent heart and form. Maybe, just maybe, he was beginning to feel quite good about himself, and about the prospect of being a Liverpool center back.
Not any more. Rather like Romero, Lovren manages to combine two mistakes into one; unlike the hapless goalkeeper, he stretches them out over a few seconds and a few yards, the better for the audience to appreciate the full spectacle. And over those seconds and yards, as he dithers and dallies and decides, for some reason, to attempt a stepover, you can see all that confidence and self-belief and fresh-start focus sloughing off his flailing, helpless body. You can see it peeling away, falling to the floor and melting into the Anfield grass until, as the ball goes in and he falls to the floor, there’s nothing left between Lovren and the world outside. A man entirely laid bare by his own decisions, naked to millions of judgemental eyes. No wonder the poor sod wanted to hide under a table.
1. Dusan Tadic vs. Norwich City
Best for last, though. It has long been a point of debate at AltGoal Towers whether footballers, when they wave their arms at the referee, actually and genuinely believe that the decision should have gone their way. Sometimes they’re knowingly pretending, of course; trying to con a crucial throw-in off their own shins. Other times, it seems as though they rise in concerted appeal, then howl in outrage, all over some tricky decision they couldn’t possibly hope to have computed. Do they really think it? Or is just instinct, the natural reaction of a competitor seeking an edge, any edge?
Now we know. Norwich's defeat away at Southampton won't live long in the memory of the neutral: the game was effectively done at half-time, when Graziano Pelle nicked the first goal after Stephen Whittaker had been sent off, and only commentator Alan Parry's cry of "Rodrigueeeeeeez!!!! Oh, er, I mean Tadic" livened up the second half. But when Southampton added their third, we were taken, just for a moment, behind the curtain of professional football, and gifted what we have no hesitation in describing as the single most desperate offside appeal in the history of the game:
Thoroughly enjoyed that Norwich appeal for offside. pic.twitter.com/QwcuEqqwb8
— Paul Forster (@pmforster) August 30, 2015 Fine work, Robbie Brady. Stick your arm up. Just on the off-chance. Stranger things have happened. But will you look silly? No, no, nothing to worry about. Worth a shot. You never know. You never know. You never know ...
Sometimes you know.
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