Which Premier League managers would beat Arsene Wenger in a fight?

It’s been an unusually feisty Friday morning of Premier League nonsense, as England was rocked by the revelation that Jose Mourinho, back when he was managing Chelsea, got so annoyed with Arsene Wenger that he said:

“I will find him one day outside a football pitch and I will break his face.”

But if it really came down to facebreaking, which Premier League manager would prevail? Here are the definitive SB Nation Soccer rankings of Premier League Hardness, and if you disagree, well, you know what will happen.

[runs away]

The mean Mr. Hyde one that wears baseball caps and eats the raw flesh of injured Arsenal players. Not the pleasant Dr. Jekyll one that does bland interviews while wearing a suit.

If your name isn’t on the list, you’re not coming in.

So intimidating that nobody has dared tell him that the beanie hat looks a bit silly.

Always in a foul mood, and possesses a devastating roundhouse kick.

The honey badger of Premier League scrapping.

Looks mild enough, sure, but you don’t mess around with Argentine defenders.

Clever, wiry and a good long reach. Sorry, Jose.

Used to have a 1980s action movie mustache, which means he almost certainly has a large combat knife strapped to his calf.

Enthusiastic, but no technique whatsoever. Knocking one’s own glasses off mid-punch is a fundamentally flawed approach.

Whereas Karanka, we imagine, has lovely technique married to a glass jaw.

Definitely has a really big punch in him, but not much else.

Would have been higher up this list, but the spirit’s gone after Old Trafford.

Scrappy Doo.

Nerd.

The guy yelling “Hold me back! Hold me back!”

A tricky one, Koeman. We’ve stuck him down here because we’ve been swayed by his fundamentally cuddly aspect, yet if it emerged that he’d beaten the life out of a man in a car park, we wouldn’t be that surprised.

Rui Faria can’t help you now, Jose. Nobody can help you now.

Looks kind of nice, looks kind of sad. As though he was bullied as a child, but instead of focusing his rage into hot violence and applied revenge, just decided to ignore it, grow up, and become a pleasant person. Admirable, but won’t help him here.

Is, in appearance anyway, the Platonic form of Tired Dad, and so probably isn’t all that in a scrap.

Come on now.