Harry Kane and Dele Alli are ruining the Premier League by having fun and being friends

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

Following the shameful incident that marred the recent Premier League weekend, the Society for the Protection of Appropriate After-goal Action (Incorporating Mothers Opposed to the Dab) have today released the following statement:

It is clear that the moral fabric of the nation is at threat. With every week that passes, the children of Britain are exposed to repeated inappropriate behaviour from their sporting heroes. It is shocking that these so-called athletes, who are role models to millions, choose to celebrate their goals in a manner that debases themselves and the noble sport they play. It is equally shocking that they are glorified by the television companies who profit from their debauchery.

On Sunday, Dele Alli and Harry Kane chose to celebrate their opening goal against Everton with a pre-planned, inauthentic, over-elaborate handshake.

In response to this, SPAAA(IMOD) has compiled a list of appropriate goal celebrations. It is our hope that this will prove the beginning of a dialogue that will end with our football pitches once again sacrosanct, and our children’s minds unpolluted.

— A firm, proper handshake. “Proper handshake” here is defined as a straightforward clasp with two or three shakes, such as might be appropriate at the beginning of a job interview or when arriving at a colleague’s wedding. SPAAA(IMOD) unambiguously condemns the recent trend in English football towards ‘gangster style’ handclasps.

— A moment of thought for (a) a deceased relative, (b) the heroes of the British armed forces, or (c) a recently departed member of the Royal Family. Please note that any supporting gestures should be kept to a minimum: a point towards the heavens is acceptable; tears or kneeling are excessive.

— A brief hug, with optional back slap. Ideally, the ‘clinch’ should last no longer than a couple of seconds, as children may be watching, but we understand that the arrival of other players may unavoidably extend this process. We have resources available for concerned parents.

— A quick ruffle of the hair. Interested parties may wish to confer with our sister organisation, the Society for the Preservation of Sensible Sporting Haircuts, or SPSSH.

— *RECENT ADDITION* A ‘high-five.’ Up above or down below, but not both.

— A short jump, followed by a fist pump. Please ensure that fist pumps are not too aggressive, as some husbands permit their wives to accompany them to football games.

— When losing a game by some margin: stoically jogging back to the halfway line, brushing off all attempted congratulations from colleagues.

— When playing against a former team: a muted version of any of the above.

— ‘The Tardelli’, or similar. Please note, however, that such delirious expressions are only acceptable if the game warrants such a response. Important goals in the World Cup: yes. Irrelevant goals in mid-table Premier League walkovers: no. SPAAA(IMOD) recognises that spontaneity is at the heart of all iconic celebrations, but insist that players first consider whether their spontaneity is appropriate.

To accompany this list, SPAAA(IMOD) present a non-exhaustive list of proscribed celebrations:

— dancing; pre-rehearsed handshakes; the ‘dab’ and similar; funny walks; kissing (with or without tongues); masks; shirt removal; somersaults, backflips, etc.; undershirts with personalised messages; mimes of any kind (including but not limited to air guitar, baby-rocking, boot-polishing, ‘deejaying’); sticking out one’s tongue; tearing apart a live pigeon with hands and bared teeth; corner flag misuse and abuse; damaging advertising hoardings.

SPAAA(IMOD) is currently engaged in fruitful discussions with the FA and IFAB regarding the incorporation of the above into the Laws of the Game. In the meantime, SPAAA(IMOD) strongly urge all footballers in England to consider the above lists going forward, and asks any concerned parents to visit our website, http://gonetothedogs.co.uk

Working for a cleaner and more honest game,

SPAAA(IMOD)