A debate on Manchester United not signing Isco because of his supposedly large head

On Tuesday, Manchester United lost to Real Madrid in the UEFA Super Cup, with Isco being named the man of the match. On Wednesday, ESPN UK revealed that the Red Devils once turned down the opportunity to sign Isco because... he has a large head? Seriously.

Sir Alex Ferguson decided to look elsewhere when the scouting report reportedly read:

”He’s good, but not quite quick enough and his head is too big for his body.”

Does this sound a bit strange to you? Our writers can’t come to an agreement.

Firstly, players with large heads are more prone to overbalancing. This is not a problem in Spain, where the simple act of falling over while wearing a Real Madrid shirts leads to a penalty. But in the Premier League, foreigners that fall over too easily are mocked in the streets for their untrustworthy and suspicious softness. A colossal cranium could only have earned Isco the mistrust of the nation.

Secondly, there’s the question of footballing style. The bigger the head, the bigger the temptation to launch the ball at it. This is why United, ideologically committed to playing football taught by Matt Busby, cannot allow themselves to indulge in too many blimp-like brain cages.

Thirdly, it’s way too risky. Recall the precedent set by Gabriel Obertan and his spacious skull.

Fourthly, we don’t know the circumstances behind the scenes as the club at the time. Might a player with an stonking great skull have posed some logistical problems behind the scenes? Would Fred the Red have got jealous? Had Adidas cocked the order up and only delivered beanies in XS, S, and M?

Finally, big heads mean big egos. And as the whole world knows, Manchester United as an institution are devoted to the collective over the individual, and can be seen to assert nothing but loyalty, modesty, and togetherness. Why, haven’t the club just appointed Jose Mourinho, a man so self-effacing that when he moved to England, he refused to be called by his own name. “I am a special one among many,” he told the press. “As an individual, I barely exist.” Unlike Isco’s head, which frankly exists too much.

When I read the Isco story, my reaction was not to dismiss the idea that a player having too large of a head could be a liability. Instead, it was to wonder what the hell everyone was looking at. Isco clearly has a normal-sized head. There is nothing large about it.

I’ve spent that last 20 minutes sifting through photos of Isco, looking for evidence that he has an abnormally sized head for his body, and I’m stumped. For example, here he is going in for a challenge next to Antonio Valencia. Can you seriously look at them side by side and tell me one has a significantly bigger head than the other? You can’t.

It’s just... average. It’s an average head. Isco obviously has an average head. I am so mad about this.