Previewing the Champions League last 16 draw using telepathy

Here at SB Nation Soccer, we consider ourselves market leaders in the emergent field of predictive telepathy. And where better to use this awesome power than the world of soccer? So, here is a preview of every team in the last 16 of the Champions League, as described by the thoughts of their opponents at the moment of being drawn against them.

All this running around. Here, there, here, oh! Over there again. It doesn’t seem fair, somehow. Like they’re playing on fast-forward. Is it something to do with the colour yellow? In combination with the black, perhaps. Wasps are pretty nippy when they need to be. Annoying, too. Hmm. Must look into this.

What if it never ends. What if Diego Simeone stays with Atlético for ever, and what if the dark magic that animates the bones and sinews of Diego Godín never runs down, and they just keep on going, chewing and gnawing on the game until the sun goes dark and the seas rise and the Super League claims us all. Smile. Nod for the camera. Don’t look scared. They can smell scared.

After careful analysis of the group stage, we have come to the conclusion that there is no need to despair. Look at Spurs. Needed a result at the Camp Nou; went and got a result at the Camp Nou. As long as Lionel Messi doesn’t come on until 60-odd minutes have passed, we’re right in this.

Could have been worse. But thinking back to the scouting reports, there was this picture of Moussa Sissoko. Huge. It folded out, and then it kept on folding out. And it was covered in scrawled interrobangs. Bit weird, that.

So we have two options here. First, we try and mark Kylian Mbappé out of the game. And Neymar. And whoever else they’ve got in that silly, silly squad; kind of lost track, to be honest.

Or second, we try to keep things tight and hope the internal stresses of The Project, and the sheer weight of all the money that everybody’s carrying around, cause the entire business to collapse at crucial moments …

Option two does seem a lot easier. Let’s go for that.

They’ve got a proper goalkeeper and a proper central defender? At the same time? That doesn’t seem very on-brand.

[If not Manchester United] Well, thank heavens we didn’t end up playing Barcelona. Let’s concentrate on our preparation, make sure we don’t underestimate our opponents, and give ourselves a great chance of making the quarter-finals.

[If Manchester United] Great. Hooray. Another chance to get humiliated in public by The Narrative.

So, Schalke might seem like one of the easier draws, but you know this game. As soon as anybody sees you smile, or look pleased, or — god forbid — pull off a little fist-pump, then the whole universe turns against you. This is knockout football. The cameras are about to cut to you. Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Don’t sm—

Oh no. We’re doomed.

We’re not going to get carried away here. Sure, they’re all getting old, all at the same time. Yes, they’re underperforming in the league. And fine, there are shudders going through the whole edifice of German football. All that’s true.

But did you see Thomas Müller get up and kick that guy in the head? There’s life in this lot yet.

Right, we need to work out who is going to mark Frenkie de Jong. And we need to make sure that they know exactly how much we’re willing to offer him, and what we can do for his family and friends, and to tell us if he has any dietary requirements or allergies. And we should find out what colour he’d like his spaceship to be. We want this sorted before halftime.

Let’s just hope Pep Guardiola hasn’t yet worked out how to get All-Consuming Premier League City across the Channel, and we get to play against Sometimes Fall On Their Face in the Champions League City. They’re so much more fun.

Let’s have a quick look at the group stage, then ... wait, what? Four points from two games against Manchester City? But couldn’t beat Shakhtar or Hoffenheim? 12 goals scored, but 11 conceded?

How the hell do you put together a game plan for a team that is clearly drunk?

So the last time Real Madrid lost over two legs in a Champions League knockout game was May 2015. Which wasn’t actually all that long ago, but feels like a whole other phase of humanity. Sepp Blatter was still president of FIFA. Barack Obama was still president of the United States. And while life was a long way from perfect for most of humanity, occasionally a whole day went past when it didn’t feel like the world was ending in a new, interesting, and utterly stupid way.

But forget all that, Ronaldo’s gone. We’re in.

Gosh, what a handsome group of beautiful football men in beautiful football shirts. From Rome, too. Love Rome. And they’re pretty good, as well? Bastards. Absolute bastards.

So the last time Cristiano Ronaldo lost over two legs in a Champions League knockout game …

Bit confusing, this lot. They play better when they drop their strongest players. They have 217 second-choice central defenders. This season’s version of David de Gea throws the ball into the net occasionally. Romelu Lukaku’s broken. Paul Pogba’s broken as well. Nobody knows who that is wearing the no. 7 shirt, or where Alexis Sanchez’s body is buried.

That midfield is a state. The full-backs are all too old or too young. Marcus Rashford and Jesse Lingard are doing their best, bless them. Anthony Martial’s got an injury, which means Jose Mourinho is going to ask him to play before he’s fully fit, and Martial will refuse, and so he’ll go into exile again ...

Hang on, they’re not confusing at all. They’re just bad.