You are Ousmane Dembélé

You are Ousmane Dembélé.

[Obviously you’re not. Unless you are, in which case: Hello, Ousmane! Loved your goal on Wednesday. This piece is going to be a bit weird for you.]

It’s a Wednesday night in the Champions League. It is your first season at Barcelona. And you are feeling: pretty good, actually. You sustained a serious injury early in the season, and rehab has been long, tedious, and hard. But you came back into the squad in January, and there has been no relapse. You played at the weekend against Malaga and you did pretty well. Your teammates were encouraging, and your manager was pleased. And now you’re starting against Chelsea.

But you haven’t scored for the club yet.

Does this matter? Yes and no. You’re young, you’ve been injured, and it’s not like the club’s been short of goals in your absence. Lionel Messi is still Lionel Messi, and Luis Suárez is pretty useful as well. Barcelona are clear at the top of La Liga and reached the knockout stages of the Champions League in relative comfort. They don’t need your goals, clearly. They can wait.

Still, you’d like to score. Wouldn’t you?

> YES

Quite right, too. Now, you’re a goal up: Messi, being Messi, nutmegged Thibaut Courtois in the third minute. But Chelsea have responded well, pushing their wingbacks forward and generating a little pressure. You see Messi win possession just inside the Chelsea half. He has Suárez for support, while you are about 15 yards back in your own half. Do you sprint to join the attack, or trust that the little genius has things covered?

> SPRINT

Damn straight. Off you go, legs pumping. Meanwhile Messi, having skipped around Andreas Christensen, is now holding the ball up just outside the area. Suárez takes Antonio Rüdiger across the box, and you’re free. Messi, typically, knows exactly what he has to do, and rolls the ball across to meet you. You’re free, you’re clear, and you’re just inside the penalty area. Do you take a touch, or hit it first time?

> TOUCH

How very sensible of you. Still, the defence have seen you now. And the closest Chelsea player is N’Golo Kanté, The Smotherer, Blocker of Shots, He Who Closes Down. Here he comes now, scurrying over. You’ll have to finish. Do you smack it, or do you place it?

> SMACK

Are you sure? You look a little rushed. That was quite the sprint you just completed. Decent chance you’ll get under it.

> SMACK

You really don’t want to get under it. It’ll sail into the night and you’ll look a fool. And what if Chelsea score then? It’ll be your fault.

> SMACK

Thibaut Courtois is a pretty decent keeper, too. Big frame, sharp reflexes, no weak spots. Well, almost no weak spots. Sure you don’t want to try a nutmeg?

> SMACK

So, just to take stock. You’ve got a wonderful opportunity to score your first Barcelona goal, in the process almost certainly killing a two-legged Champions League knockout game, and you want to — stop me if I’m wrong here — smack it as hard as you can? Like you’re just messing around in the park? Like you’re Hot Shot Hamish?

> SMACK

Well, fine. Up to you. Don’t say you weren’t warn— oh. It’s gone in! You’ve scored!

> CELEBRATE

And fair enough. Congratulations! Level 1 of Ousmane Dembélé: Barcelona Goalscorer is complete!