Christian Pulisic’s favorite Chipotle order is a burrito of sadness

Christian Pulisic is better than me at approximately 100,000 things, but I obliterate him when it comes to having a good order at Chipotle.

Pulisic partnered with Chipotle to share his favorite order and invited people to make it theirs, to which I say, “No, thank you, sir — this is some basic-ass Chipotle ordering.”

For the record, this is “The Pulisic”:

First off, I embrace the basic ideal that you should eat what you want and not be swayed by what the rest of the world tells you. That said, I also embrace the ideal that you shouldn’t have tiny baby taste buds and should learn to appreciate the finer things in life. Pulisic’s order isn’t bad — it’s just hopelessly boring. Let me explain why:

I’m good with this. It’s the appropriate choice. I understand why so many people go for the burrito bowl because it’s inherently healthier, but if you say straight-faced that a bowl is better than a burrito, you’re lying. The tortilla provides necessary juice-soppage and makes the food relatively portable. This was a good choice.

It’s here where Pulisic’s order starts to go off the rails. Chicken is a bottom-tier protein selection at Chipotle with no discernible benefit. Fun fact: Chipotle chicken is the second-highest calorie protein on the menu and near the bottom in flavor. In my humble opinion, the proteins rate thusly:

God tier: Carne asada.
S tier: Barbacoa.
A tier: Carnitas, steak.
B tier: Chicken, sofritas.

In my experience, Chipotle always overcooks their rice into oblivion where it might as well be mush. There’s no doubt their white rice tastes better than brown, but lately I’ve been selecting the brown rice because it’s more al dente and better prepared. It gives more of a textural contrast to the burrito that I enjoy. I’m okay with this pick.

If you’re going to choose beans, I’m down with pintos. Black beans are fine too — but pintos give a little more flavor. I think Chipotle seasons them better. That said, pro-tip: don’t get beans at all. The slick move is to ask for a “Fajita burrito,” which used to be a menu item and now it’s a secret off-menu thing. You lose the beans in favor of grilled peppers and onions. It adds some necessary crunch and cuts down the amount of liquid you’re adding to the burrito itself.

Yes, cheese is good.

A contentious addition for sure. Personally, I like sour cream. I like it to add a little bit of richness and necessary food lubrication to my burrito. I’m good with this choice.

God-tier addition with zero negative words from me. Personally I don’t normally bring myself to add guac because of the hefty additional fee and I’m cheap.

This warrants seven exclamation points. I always put hot salsa on my burrito, but I’m not going to slam anyone for putting pico or corn salsa on their meal because they don’t like spicy food. I am, however, going to slam Pulisic for deciding to put NO SALSA on his burrito. Here’s the deal: Chipotle is, at best, vaguely Mexican food. It’s mass-produced American happiness rolled in a tortilla to make us feel like we’re eating ethnic food.

The only differentiating factor is the salsa options. I’m not going to say Chipotle’s salsa verde is transcendent or anything like that, but at least it makes you feel like you’re eating something outside of bog-standard American food. To rob yourself of salsa is to rob your taste buds of opportunity.

Nah, no thanks. I can’t get down with lettuce on a burrito. Perhaps it’s a personal preference, but I don’t need the texture and coldness that lettuce provides. Also, it eventually gets hot, and hot lettuce is gross.

Try it sometime and you’ll thank me forever.