WWE Night of Champions 2014: The full rundown and why you should care

Last month’s SummerSlam was a fantastic, transcendent show that threatened to change the status quo in the WWE. The episode of “RAW” the night after SummerSlam was similarly phenomenal, filling wrestling fans’ hearts with hope and glee.

And then the next four weeks of WWE television happened.

So now it’s time for Night of Champions, where every title in the company is on the line. (I guess the Money in the Bank briefcase is not a championship, so just ignore Seth Rollins brandishing it in the WWE.com graphic above.) It’s a night of rematches, why-is-this-happenings and I-swear-to-god-if-theys. The only reason I’m dreading this show with only most of my heart, rather than all of it, is because WWE has made great shows out of terrible-on-paper cards several times this year. In fact, every single PPV in 2014 has been great-to-amazing. Night of Champions will probably break that streak. But it might not!

Night of Champions begins at 8 p.m. ET on Sunday, with a kick-off show exclusively on the WWE Network beginning at at 7 p.m. The kick-off show features bonus coverage exclusive to the Network, including an installment of Christian’s “Peep Show,” featuring Chris Jericho. The best thing about this show? You can get it with a subscription to the WWE Network, which also gives you access to every episode of WCW Monday Nitro, every WWE, ECW and WCW pay-per-view ever, and -- soon -- “Hulk Hogan’s Rock N’ Wrestling.” The price point escapes me at the moment, but it’s an incredible deal.

Read on to find out about why we’re not terribly thrilled about this event, but will still be watching (and why you should be, too).

What am I looking at here? Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns were scheduled to wrestle in a singles match at Night of Champions, but Reigns has to go emergency hernia surgery on Saturday. So please enjoy the below paragraph, which was written before Reigns’ guts exploded but is still 100% applicable to the event.

Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns were members of dominant stable The Shield, until Rollins turns on Reigns and Dean Ambrose to join up (kinda) with Triple H, Stephanie and Corporate Kane, who comprise The Authority (kinda). Rollins feuded with Ambrose in a BLOOD FEUD, culminating in Rollins DRIVING AMBROSE’S HEAD THROUGH TOTALLY REAL CINDERBLOCKS and sending him to the hospital or “a movie” or whatever. Then, like two weeks later, Reigns showed up, glistening, suddenly caring about Rollins and Ambrose again.

Why you should care: Because Dean Ambrose might make his glorious return at Night of Champions and attack Rollins again, or be inserted into an impromptu match with Rollins to make up for Reigns being yanked from the event suddenly. Hopefully by jumping out of a closet marked “SUPPLIES.”

What am I looking at here? Chris Jericho is the coolest dad at Sonic, blasting ‘Tallica and comparing tattoos with the cool dad in the next car while his mortified kids duck down in the back seat and finish their tots. Randy Orton is a man who everybody thought didn’t own pants, then suddenly in the past month he’s fully clothed willy-nilly and we’re not entirely sure what to do. It’s like finding out your dad owns pants. Heartbreaking.

Why you should care: No clue. Not a clue. Well, that’s not true, because they’re both very good wrestlers (with Orton in particular being criminally underrated most of the time) and they will probably be a good match. But I have no idea why they’re feuding, other than that’s what the Upper Midcard Random Match Generator spit out. I think they’re feuding because Chris Jericho likes to wear a scarf.

What am I looking at here? Mark Henry is the world’s strongest man and he loves his mama country. Rusev is a Bulgarian Russian powerhouse who thinks Russia is great and America can pound sand, Mister. They’re fighting because of PATRIOTISM.

Why you should care: If you like hosses, this match is the hossiest. Also, I’ve typed this every month since WrestleMania, but maybe this is the match where Rusev suffers a non-countout loss for the first time! You’d think his feud with (ALSO-) American patriot Jack Swagger would have been the time to pull the trigger, but here we are. Still, two slabs of beef manhandling each other for like 12 minutes is a fine way to pass the time.

What am I looking at here? The Usos are Rikishi’s twin sons and they’ve held the Tag Team Championship for over 200 days. Goldust and Stardust (annoyingly ring-announced as “Gold and Stardust,” like it’s a 70s cop show featuring Elliott Gould and David Bowie -- HANG ON THAT WOULD BE AWESOME) are the face-painted weirdos in the rubber bodysuits who are the actual, real sons of Dusty Rhodes.

Why you should care: Goldust and Stardust were recently given a mean streak and turned more-or-less heel and it is AWESOME. They’ve been grasping around for an actual purpose for months and months, so them winning the titles would be a good move. Otherwise, both of these teams need to move on and fast. Much like Reigns and Rollins, these two teams have been fighting each other every week on WWE television, which is ... not how you should build up to having to pay money to see them fight.

What am I looking at here? Paige is pale and mean, AJ Lee is tiny and “crazy” and Nikki Bella is the one who wears a hat to the ring.

Why you should care: Paige and AJ Lee have had a good feud going on. Nikki Bella is now a bad guy who is feuding with her twin, Brie. So expect Brie to get involved and this match to come down to Paige and AJ, who are both talented enough to conceivably anchor this match and make it entertaining. We’re currently on the cusp of having members of the NXT women’s division get called up to the main WWE roster, so if we just hang in there, like ... another three years or so, WWE audiences might finally take women’s wrestling seriously.

:(

What am I looking at here? Dolph Ziggler looks like a drenched Lhasa Apso. The Miz is a “legitimate Hollywood film star” who doesn’t like to get hit in the face and is accompanied by his stunt double “Damien Mizdow” (which is Damien Sandow in the role of a lifetime). Ziggler may be accompanied by R-Truth, who may be dressed like Ziggler. I don’t even know, man. Ziggler won the belt from Miz last month, so here they are again! Wheeee!

Why you should care: Again, this is a match featuring guys who have exclusively been fighting one another for the past month, so [sound of head hitting table repeatedly]. Regardless, Ziggler is one of the top-five wrestlers in the company and The Miz has never been better at everything that constitutes being a professional wrestler than he is right now, so this match will probably be very good. If all else fails, just keep your eyes on Damien Mizdow. You will not be disappointed.

What am I looking at here? Sheamus looks like a bodybuilding ghost got a Fiery from Labyrinth glued to his head. Cesaro is the bald guy. They’re both REALLY strong.

Why you should care: Another hoss fight! Only this one will probably be better than Henry vs. Rusev and very much has the potential to be the match of the night. Cesaro has been the unsung MVP of the WWE roster this past year and people are clamoring for him to have a meaningful role or feud, so maybe this could be it. Also, having Cesaro -- who is very European -- as the United States Champion is something that is always great. Either way, these guys are gonna knock the stuffing out of each other and Cesaro is gonna toss Sheamus around like it’s a rag doll and hooooo boy this is probably the only match I’m legitimately excited about ahead of time.

What am I looking at here? You know who these guys are, dang it.

Why you should care: Because this match is the point of the entire pay-per-view and has the ability to make or break the entire night, the entire past two months of WWE programming and might decide for you whether you want to keep watching the WWE until the Road to WrestleMania starts up again with the Royal Rumble in January.

Last month at SummerSlam, Brock Lesnar made good on his word and absolutely manhandled John Cena for 20 minutes in a brutal, one-sided squash to win the world title. It was amazing, it was groundbreaking and it was something we had never seen before. It was exciting. The possibilities were limitless. So naturally, WWE immediately booked a rematch and made John Cena look like an unstoppable bully for the past four weeks. Nothing can hurt John Cena. Nothing can stop John Cena. John Cena John Cena John Cena. When John Cena is offscreen, the other characters should be asking, “Where’s John Cena?”

John Cena has made it clear that he’s not out to win the title, he’s out to “beat Brock Lesnar’s ass.” So it’s possible that the match could end up in a DQ finish, which means Brock would retain the title. But that’s stupid. We need another mauling of John Cena. We need it, bad. John Cena needs it. So here’s hoping, by hook or by crook, Brock keeps the title and we continue the road to Brock vs. Reigns at next year’s WrestleMania for the belt. (Or maybe Brock vs. a returning Daniel Bryan, if pipe dreams are still allowed.)

Anything but John Cena winning the title back.

(Prepare for John Cena to win the title back.)