WWE Elimination Chamber 2015: The full rundown and why you should care

The Elimination Chamber will return Sunday night. Two matches will take place inside the chamber, which is a huge cage that surrounds the entire ringside area. Two competitors will start the match in the ring, with four additional parties locked in “pods” inside the chamber. Every five minutes, one of the pods will open at random and introduce a new participant. The match is single-elimination until one survivor remains.

Full disclosure: the Elimination Chamber is one of my favorite match types in all of wrestling, up there with the Royal Rumble. When WWE initially appeared to retire the EC event this year, I was bummed out about it. Now it’s here, with only a few weeks of hype. Not only is it back, but on Sunday night, it will host the first-ever tag team Elimination Chamber match, as well as crown a new Intercontinental Champion. A good time may be had by all.

The event begins at 8 p.m. ET exclusively on the WWE Network. But before it arrives, let’s get you caught up on everything you need to know.

What am I looking at here? See the really, really, really, really wet guy? That’s Bo Dallas. He’s a motivational speaker, but he’s bad at his job. He’s also a complete shithead, just needling people and being condescending all the time. The short, jacked guy is Adrian Neville, “The Man Gravity Forgot.” They call him that because he jumps a lot.

Why you should care: These two are both former NXT champions, with a long history with one another. NXT, of course, is the WWE developmental system (more on that later). Bo is one of the most underutilized performers of the past couple of years and Neville is currently red-hot and building up a groundswell of fans as he continues to wow people on the main roster. He’s also got an “injured” knee and Bo is well aware of it, so these two should actually be on equal footing. They have a good chance to impress people with a showcase match here, so look for them to try to snatch that proverbial brass ring.

What am I looking at here? Nikki Bella is the current Divas champion and one half of the Bella Twins. Naomi is a former Funkadactyl (it’s a long story) and has a new mean streak and an imposing new bodyguard, Tamina. Paige is the pale one. (She’s also the best wrestler of the bunch, by some margin.)

Why you should care: This is the class of the WWE Divas division, until some of the NXT women get called up to the main roster. Paige is terrific, Naomi keeps getting better and Nikki has been one of the most improved wrestlers of the past ... ever. Nikki has also held the Divas title for what is relatively an eon, so I’m expecting a new champion to get crowned on Sunday night. Tamina is the wild card here.

What am I looking at here? You’ll be able to recognize John Cena as the guy from the Gillette commercials, or from the Fruity Pebbles box, or from The Marine, or as the guy who wins this match. Kevin Owens is the current NXT champion and looks like your unemployed high school friend who somehow always manages to get someone else to buy his beers for him. John Cena is the current United States Champion, but this is a non-title match, so all bets are effectively off. (lol jk Cena wins)

Why you should care: Kevin Owens is one of the best wrestlers in the world. Like Daniel Bryan before him, he just gets it. He fundamentally gets professional wrestling. Unlike Daniel Bryan, just looking at him makes you want someone to punch his teeth down his throat. He’s a fat, violent asshole and he believes in being a fat, violent asshole so he can support his family. He doesn’t respect John Cena and he doesn’t care about Cena’s U.S. title. He just wants people to know who he is.

This match has the added bonus of pitting Owens, the Internet darling, against Cena, the mainstream epitome of what a WWE Superstar is and looks like and wrestles like. This should be incredible and has the potential to be transcendent.

What am I looking at here? That is a lot of tag teams! This is, actually, almost every tag team that the WWE has on their main roster at the moment. The reigning champs The New Day is actually a team of three people: Xavier Woods, Big E and Kofi Kingston. They defend the belt under the “Freebird” rule, which states any two members of the team can defend the belts. It remains to be seen whether all three will be in the Elimination Chamber together. Their relentless positivity rubbed fans the wrong way, so now they’re trying their best to keep a straight face, otherwise they just might snap. Los Matadoes are masked bullfighters. The Lucha Dragons are masked, high-flying luchadores. The Ascension are basically the Road Warriors but with receding-er hairlines. The Prime Time Players are worth millions of dollars. Tyson Kidd & Cesaro are a team united by their love of cats, Beats headphones and uppercutting the mess out of people.

Why you should care: This is a tag team Elimination Chamber match, man. Even in the “no blood” era of WWE, this is going to be bonkers and incredible.

What am I looking at here? Daniel Bryan vacated his Intercontinental Championship due to injury. It’s not certain when, if ever, he will return. The winner of this match will become the new Intercontinental Champion. Surprisingly, of the six participants, only King Barrett (the guy dressed like a king) and Dolph Ziggler (the guy who looks like he’d be the boyfriend of one of Jem and the Holograms) have previously held the title. Rusev, the Bulgarian Brute, may not compete in the match due to an injury. He could be replaced with Bray Wyatt or any number of other people. If he stays in the match, look for him to go after Ziggler, because that’s who his current spat is with. R-Truth is just there to have a good time. Ryback might still have his ribs taped up from his last match with Wyatt. Just chant “FEED ME MORE” when he moves his shoulders. It makes him feel better.

Why you should care: Again, this is not only an Elimination Chamber match, but one to crown a new champion for what is objectively WWE’s second-most prestigious title. There’s supposed to be a renewed focus on the secondary titles, so look for whoever wins this match to be in line for a nice, high-profile run with the title. Unless it’s King Barrett. Then pray for him.

What am I looking at here? Seth Rollins, the guy dressed like an X-Man, is the current world champion and a former member of The Shield. He aligned himself with The Authority and stabbed his Shield brethren in the back multiple times en route to becoming the company’s champ and the “chosen one.” Dean Ambrose is emotionally unstable and is one of the aforementioned Shield brethren whose back was stabbed by Rollins. He has a chance to shock the world and become the new world champ, exacting revenge on his former brother-in-arms in the process.

Why you should care: BLOOD FEUD, dang it! A good old-fashioned blood feud. While Ambrose will NOT shock the world, he and Rollins should give everyone one hell of a world title match. Expect shenanigans, given The Authority will be prowling at ringside and the third former Shield member, Roman Reigns, is always liable to turn up when BLOOD FEUDs are happening. But this assumed main event should have everything you need to make compelling wrestling: two guys who hate each other and have a track record of putting on phenomenal matches. I’m all in.