How to make a White House cabinet entirely staffed by pro wrestlers
Who should serve in The Rock’s White House?
Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images for Spike
Obvious. Next.
Vice President Triple H
The drama starts at the top, as President The Rock must constantly fear being booked out of the Oval Office by the scheming No. 1 contender.
Secretary of State Bayley
Her entire character is based around hugging people. Our international allies could always use a hug.
Secretary of the Treasury Goldust
A return to the Goldust standard. Also, a devastating blow to the political aspirations of Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase because this is an administration focused on the lower and middle classes.
Secretary of Defense The New Day
The record-holders for the longest-running tag team title defense will defend our country under the Freebird Rule, which means Russia will never know whether Big E, Kofi Kingston, or Xavier Woods is our acting SecDef on that particular day.
Attorney General Stone Cold Steve Austin
BAH GOD, KING, THE RATTLESNAKE JUST HIT THE COURTROOM HOTTER THAN A TEXAS HOT DAY AND CUT THROUGH CRIME LIKE A TEXAS KNIFE THROUGH CRIME BUTTER, AS GOD IS MY WITNESS
Secretary of the Interior El Hijo del Fantasma aka King Cuerno
Absolutely, we looked beyond just the WWE in order to build only the most qualified cabinet.
So what’s the Department of the Interior do? Parks and wildlife and stuff. King Cuerno’s résumé:
thepractitionerd.com
Secretary of Agriculture Hillbilly Jim
Hillbilly Jim’s résumé:
WWE
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development The Undertaker
What does he know about buildings? Buddy, he built The Hell in a Cell!
Secretary of Energy Ricochet aka Prince Puma
High-energy!
Secretary of Veterans Affairs Road Dogg
Did you know Road Dogg was a Marine for six years? Please say the words “Secretary of Veterans Affairs Road Dogg” out loud to yourself now.
Secretary of Homeland Security Hacksaw Jim Duggan
He’s armed at all times with a 2x4 and a giant American flag. Next.
Uproxx
U.S. Trade Representative Hacksaw Jim Duggan
As noted, he’s armed at all times with a 2x4 and a giant American flag.
Secretary of Health and Human Services John Cena
White House Chief of Staff Sasha Banks
She’s the boss. Says so on every article of clothing and piece of jewelry she owns. Can’t argue that.
Secretary of Transportation Mark Henry
Imgur
Director of the Central Intelligence Agency CM Punk
Our administration needs lots and lots of leaks to the media, so our CIA director must be willing to air out the rest of the executive branch in public at a moment’s notice. Let’s go even further here ...
Director of National Intelligence Vince McMahon
Decades of experience at scheming and meddling. Combine that with having to seethe at both ranking behind son-in-law Triple H and at working alongside major rival Punk, and we’ve got all the internal discord we could ever hope for.
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Daniel Bryan
He’s from the Pacific Northwest and has a beard. Next.
Secretary of Commerce Ric Flair
He’s wheelin’ and dealin’ and can’t really do all that much damage.
Secretary of Labor Dusty Rhodes
In spirit, so whoever serves as the acting secretary must abide by the following:
Representative of the United States to the United Nations Paul Heyman
GOOD EVENING, REST OF PLANET EARTH.
MY NAME IS PAUL HEYMAN.
MY CLIENT, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, CONQUERED WORLD WARS I AND II, AS WELL AS THE MOON.
Secretary of Education Mick Foley
He would, um, probably be pretty good at this job for real.
Director of the Office of Management and Budget Randy Orton
OMB AUDIT OUTTA NOWHERE
Administrator of the Small Business Administration Linda McMahon
Sure. Whatever. No change from real life. Fine.
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